The soundof the front door opening made her switch off the light, and pretend to be asleep.
“Sar?”
No. The heart was a messy place, and she couldn’t play nice with him. She was too tired from the past three weeks of playing nice with everyone else that she had nothing left for her husband. Her husband, the traitor, who had insisted on her cancelling her tour, then gone off on his own road trip not five days later.
Her husband, the impossibly patient, who like the doctor, didn’t seem to understand that she was good for more than just being a baby incubator. She wanted to argue with Dr. McKinnon, but he was always warning her about high blood pressure, so she liked to save that for when she and Dan were in the car.
She huddled in the bed, tugging the blankets up to her ears so she didn’t have to see or hear him. Why couldn’t Dan understand her perspective? She’d never once canceled on a tour. Not once. So when she’d tearfully announced it on her podcast, her fans had been devastated.Dev-a-sta-ted. She felt like such a fraud. People had bought tickets to see her, and now they wouldn’t. Tisha and the rest of the crew had been upset, forcing her to explain more of the reason why. They’d understood, then offered congratulations, and agreed to keep her reason for not touring limited to ‘health issues.’
Not that Dan appreciated the sacrifice she was making. Sometimes she wanted to scream at him, their arguments such that she hoped none of the neighbors could hear. But how could they not, stuck in this stupid too-small apartment? But any time she raised her voice he simply repeated the line: “Stop yelling, Sarah. It’s not good for the baby.”
Sometimes she wanted to hurl more than just words at him, but he turned and walked away. Why couldn’t the man fight for once? She was tired of being the only one who did.
No tour. No career. No travel. No family. Dan had said he’d pay for her family to come visit for Christmas, but it felt too much like a handout, something designed to shut her up, that she’d snapped and said she’d rather wait until April when the baby would be born.Ifthe baby was born. She placed a hand on her stomach. There were still no guarantees.
Dr. McKinnon had been cautious in Sarah’s last visit, noting the baby’s heartbeat was weaker than he liked, advising that she attend another scan as soon as possible to investigate the issue. “We want to rule out things like congenital hearts defects, hydrocephalus, water on the brain, or other birth defects.”
Birth defects?
She placed a hand on her stomach, prayed for the tiny one inside. Surely God wouldn’t let them get this far to have something like birth defects? And yet, plenty of people had children born with medical issues. There were no guarantees. Just like Dr. McKinnon had cautioned that there were no guarantees that she would make full term.
And it was that fear that lurked in the background, refusing to let her fall in love with this child. She couldn’t have her heart ripped away. Not again. Even if this was the furthest she’d been able to carry a child.
These emotions were like a rollercoaster she couldn’t get off. Up one minute, down the next, never anything calm and in the middle. She’d always struggled with moderating her emotions, of letting the Holy Spirit calm her, and lately, it felt like these extremes were growing into normality.
Which wasn’t fair to Dan. Which made it a hard habit to change. Why did she have to be the one who changed, anyway? Oh, that’s right. Because she was the one who always had to give up everything – her life, her career, her family, her country—to support his dreams.
The bedroom door opened. “Sar?” he whispered. “Are you awake?”
An opportunity lay in the air. She let it float to the floor. Feigned a snore.
He sighed, and closed the door.
CHAPTER18
The sonographer frowned, peering at the screen.
Sarah’s heart clenched. “Is something wrong?”
“Excuse me for a moment. I need to get my supervisor in.”
Sarah glanced at Ange, who reached out a hand. Sarah clutched it.
“It’s okay,” Ange soothed. “Whatever is happening, God is still here with us.”
Sarah nodded, as a savage longing rose for her husband to be here too. Oh, shewishedshe was a better wife. Wished she hadn’t let offense creep in and crowbar them apart. Suddenly all her petty behavior was held up to the light. Her heart might be caked with anger and frustration, yet this man,thisman, kept loving her through her imperfections. Dan’s love was like a beam of warmth that tugged her from this prison of disappointments and scars. She didn’t deserve him. Her eyes welled.
A moment later, their sonographer returned along with another man. They murmured to each other, then asked Ange to leave. “We need to speak to Mrs. Walton alone.”
“What?” This wasn’t good news. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ll be right outside, praying,” Ange assured.
Lord God. Help.Sarah nodded, her fingers clasping her belly.
The older man sighed. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Walton, but there seems to be some irregularities with what we’re seeing on the scan.”
“What do you mean?”
