“Princess,” her father said, “We just want you to be okay and give your baby the best chance possible.”
“I know,” she said. “And like I said, if the doctor is happy, then I don’t see why I can’t.” And part of her also felt a little fatalistic, especially after the last few times. Chances were that she’d have another miscarriage andque sera sera, whatever will be would be. “God has got this sorted, whatever happens.”
Silence followed that, then Dan sighed. “I’m sorry. I need to go soon. We’ll have to continue to talk about this later.”
She faked a smile as her family quickly agreed, then turned to him as soon as the screen went black. “Why did you have to do that? I hate when we argue, especially in front of my family.”
“Sar, I’m concerned about you. I understand you want to see your family, but it’s a long way to travel when you don’t feel well.”
“I know, but I’d sleep on the plane—”
His look of skepticism took the puff out of that.
“Okay, I’d sleep as much as I could on the plane, then when I arrived, I’d be staying with them.”
“For a few days until the tour begins. Then what? Long bus trips, late nights, more plane rides. You’re already exhausted and you haven’t even left. I’m worried about what this would mean for the baby.”
Guilt stabbed. She’d once thought she could give up Heartsong in a heartbeat, but now, the thought of losing a certainty for something that still remained a little nebulous seemed like an overreaction. But saying that felt impossible, especially when she knew Dan’s comments came from a place of love and concern. She couldn’t admit that she couldn’t get too attached to this baby. Not again. Not if it wouldn’t even be born.
“Dr. McKinnon said I was fine to travel.”
“Yeah, I don’t think he realized you meant a trip around the world.” Dan hauled in a deep breath, exhaled, calmed. “Look, I know you want to go, and it’s not good for you to get agitated. Can we please just talk to him and explain the situation fully, and make a decision based on what he has to say?”
What choice did she have to say but, “Fine”?
She averted her gaze, shifted away.
But Dan-the-persistent moved back into her personal space. “Why do you want to do this so much, anyway? It’s not like you haven’t toured lots of times before.”
Tears trickled from her eyes. “I miss them.” Missed her Heartsong friends, missed feeling strong and capable and like she had purpose, missed her family most of all.
“I know, honey.”
She let him wrap an arm around her shoulder. “And they’re myfamily, Dan.”
His face sobered. “I thought I was your family now.”
Her heart hitched.
“Me, and this little one.” He pointed to her stomach.
Her bottom lip quivered, and she covered her face. “I’m sorry.”
Oh, she was an awful wife. She knew Dan wanted a baby more than anything. And yes, she wanted this child too. Shedid. Yet fear had crept in so insidiously, sucking away joy, even as she prayed, and praised, and tried to cling to hope. Dr. McKinnon might mean well, but the constant tests and cautions was having the opposite effect, spiraling her anxiety into levels even she could feel was unnatural.
She wiped away more stubborn tears. “Everything feels so out of control,” she finally managed. “I just wanted to feel like I could plan something and see it through. There’s just been so much disappointment lately.”
“I know, Princess.”
“I don’t know if I can take much more. And,” she swallowed, but honesty meant she had to be truthful, “and part of me is even questioning whether this will even come true. How do we know it won’t end the same way as the others all did?”
“Oh, Sar.” He smiled softly. “How do we know it won’t be different this time around?”
Her tears expanded into sobs, and he enveloped her in a hug.
Trying to walk by faith wasn’t easy.
And as he held her, and murmured of God’s faithfulness and love, Sarah wondered again at the wisdom of waiting to tell Dan’s parents, especially after this fail of an encounter with her family. Sure it was only two weeks away, but doing the whole Thanksgiving announcement thing had the potential to backfire.
