He shut down that thought. No, this was a declaration of faith, a faith song, for sure. She wasn’t finding this easy. Those catches in her voice as she struggled to sing said so.
Then the music changed as she sang another section.
He closed his eyes, listening to Sarah’s beautiful voice struggle through the rest of the song, feeling a faint something whisper an invitation to join her in seeking God.
Nope. Couldn’t. Not yet, anyway. He sat still, ignoring those little promptings, waiting until Sarah finally finished and sat, shoulders slumped. Was she praying?
Her stillness seemed almost unworldly. Concern creased his chest, and he carefully got up and slowly made his way over to the piano stool, touching her gently on the shoulder.
She jumped.
He nearly smiled. “Hey, Sar.”
“I didn’t know you were here.”
Good.
She reached up and grabbed his hand, pressing her face into his palm. “You know He does, don’t you?”
His heart tightened.
“Dan, you know that God loves us right now?”
No wonder she’d turned what should be a statement of fact into a question. He hadn’t been acting like it. How could a good God allow such a bad thing? How could the Creator God allow the tiniest, most innocent part of creation to die? How could a God who said He was Love do something so unloving as let their baby die? How could God ignore their prayers?
She stared up at him, green eyes watchful, piercing through his confusion to the truth.
He cleared his throat. “I know He’s supposed to be.”
She pushed up one side of her mouth. “Youknowthat God loves us right now.”
Statement. Truth. Fact. Part of him still did believe.
She gingerly moved around on the seat to hug him, and he leaned over, burying his face in her hair, before her gentle tug on his t-shirt pulled him to the seat. She wrapped her arms around him, and he could feel the old tingly rush at their touch.
She pressed his head into her shoulder, then whispered in his ear, “Dan, I need you to hold me, but I don’t need you to hold me up. We can be as weak as we need to be right now, as long as we know God loves us. Goddoeslove us. His love is the full stop, the period, the end point, regardless of our circumstances. But if we don’t know that, ifyoudon’t know that, you’ll keep trying to be Superman, but will come crashing down. And I don’t want you to fall. I need you, Dan. Please don’t fall.”
Trying to hold back the tears was futile. He tucked his face into her neck, and clung to her like a life preserver. She might say she needed him, but right now he felt like he was drowning, and he needed her. Oh, he needed her. Her words, her touch, her faith, her prayers had reached that part of his spirit that was still alive, touching a chord that now hummed. He could feel her fragility, emotional and physical, as the shoulder of his t-shirt dampened, and her brokenness encouraged him to finally be real. With a sudden sob that seemed wrenched from his gut he let the wall fall, as they held each other and wept.
No, he didn’t have to have the answers. He didn’t have to be strong for her. He just needed to be real, to admit he was struggling and needed God’s help.Oh God, help us. Help me to trust You again.
Finally, when it seemed his emotions were wrung dry, he released her, swiping his hands across his face. Man. His wife might be the emotional one, but he’d never cried as much as he had in the past year. Good thing nobody apart from her was here to see him now.
Outside, a sudden breeze sang softly through the trees, as inside, a sweetness borne of shared pain, flowed between them. He felt closer to her again. The two were one again, thanks in no small part to the reminder that the third strand of their union—God—was here too, reminding them of His presence, and His power to bring healing and restoration.
He drew in a shaky breath. Released it. “I love you, Princess.”
“I love you too.” She squeezed him tighter. “And God loves you even more.”
He hung on, his soul wrestling with her words. It might be true, but he still struggled with believing it. Sometimes he wished he had his wife’s certainty. Maybe that came from a lifetime of putting scriptures into song, that the verses dug deeper into her heart so she knew them on a deeper level than he ever could.
Regardless, he knew he was going to need it for when they resurfaced in the real world.
The topicof returning to the real world was one she broached that night over dinner.
“I think we should return to the city.”
“What? No. It’s too soon.”
