“No, I don’t mean that. Just that…” She paused. Yawned. “Oh, I’m so tired I barely know what I mean.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay. And we’ll be okay.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”Lord, help me.
CHAPTER4
“Go. I promise I’ll be fine.”
“But—”
“I’m sorry, babe, but the longer you sit next to me watching all these girly shows, the more I can feel your muscles withering away.”
His mouth tweaked up. “Wow. Harsh.”
She offered a smile as fake as his. “Go catch some fish. I can always call you if I need you, but I’ll be fine.”
“You sure?”
She nodded. “I’ll be okay.”
He kissed her, and she watched as he exited onto the back deck then down to the dock.
Dan wasn’t okay. She’d sensed that a little more each day. Sure, he was grieving, and Sarah knew not everybody grieved the same way, but she sensed he was distancing himself from God. She understood that only too well, and was determined not to make the same mistake again. God was the only thing she could cling to right now. Dan was great for reassuring hugs and cuddles, but right now, despite his muscular physique, he seemed to have little else. She hoped fishing, something he’d always loved, would help, even though he’d be alone with his thoughts. Maybe God could speak to him on Lake Muskoka. Heaven knew Dan needed God. Just like she did. She really needed God to be her strength, because neither she nor Dan had much of their own.
She moved to the living room, to the piano placed in the corner. She sat on the piano stool and placed her phone on the top of the piano. After opening her recording app, she swished through until she found the recording of the song she’d started to sing at the apartment’s mini studio in Toronto. Oh, how poignant were the words now. How much more did her spirit now need those words to be true. She pressed play, closed her eyes, and listened to the song she’d begun a week ago.
“I know You love me. I’ve seen Your grace so many times.
Your faithfulness surrounds me. You gave me this hope I feel inside.
I will not worry. Because I know that You’re always there.
Nothing can come between us. Because Your love is…”
She listened to the joy in her voice, recorded only a few days ago when everything had been going well. Were these truths still true today?
Of course they were. Technically. But she didn’tfeellike it was true though. Her heart was like a stubborn rock that refused to move. Not encased in ice like it was the first time she’d escaped Australia and come to Muskoka. Things weren’t that bad yet. Which was exactly why she needed to sing these words again now.
She pressed pause, then played the recording from the beginning, this time joining in, in a tentative, raspy voice. Then she sang it again, this time without the music, just her voice, in a version that was slower, more raw, more real, where every word felt like another sword against the emotions that threatened to sink her to the bottom of the lake.
“I know You love me.” She did know that. Sheknewit.
“I’ve seen Your grace so many times…” Oh, how true. She had seen God’s grace, over and over again. Grace with her salvation, grace with the accident, with her family, with Dan, over and over again.
“Your faithfulness surrounds me—” Amen.
“—You gave me this hope I feel inside.” Well, maybe she didn’tfeelmuch hope right now, but she knew it resided within her all the same. That’s what the Holy Spirit did. He lived inside her, feeding and fueling hope when she had none of her own.
“I will not worry.” Her voice sounded so weak as she said that. But it was true. God said in the Bible not to worry, to be anxious for nothing.Lord, I give You all my worries. Worries for Dan, for our marriage, for my health. Take it all.
“Because I know that You’re always there.”Thank You God. You never leave us or forsake us.
“Nothing can come between us…” According to Romans chapter eight, neither death, nor life could separate believers from God’s love, so not even a miscarriage could.
“Because Your love is…”
