I sighed. It didn’t. It was ending because of my choice, and yet at the same time, I couldn’t stay. I’d only hurt Don. He deserved better than me.
His fingers dug into my back. “I want you. Only you and no one else.”
“I know.” We’d had this conversation, and nothing had changed from the last time.
He kissed the top of my head and didn’t say any more, for what more was there to say?
This was death. I truly felt as if I was dying. Yesterday, we’d docked at the Varjuntet Station. In a handful of days, Vince would disembark from my ship, and I would never see him again. I could not even imagine it. The mere thought was enough to send me to my knees.
My brothers wanted me to tell Vince he was my mate, but Vince had made it clear he didn’t want to stay and that he would be happiest returning home. How could I guilt him into remaining when what he wanted was to leave?
Hallonnixmin had been furious, though, so in an effort to force me to speak, he’d told our younger brothers. All of them had sided with Hallonnixmin and Monqilcolnen—they wanted me toforce Vince to stay. They all feared that I’d wither when Vince left.
Some drakcol survived the loss of their mate, but most did not. They faded. It was hard to keep breathing when your reason for life was no longer by your side. Vince would still be alive, but he’d be out of reach and separated from me forever. Those mates who weren’t bound by the Crystal could travel and live apart due to work or life circumstances, and some did, but it was different—they were still together.
Vince would be gone, unattainable, lost to me.
I didn’t think I would survive long. The grief would shred me, but perhaps I’d surprise myself and find the will to continue on. I doubted it. The moment Vince returned to Earth, I was fairly certain my days would be numbered.
Of course, my brothers didn’t want that, nor would my parents when they found out. I wouldn’t be swayed, though. Vince and his needs were far more important. He didn’t want to remain with me, and I’d let him go.
I tried to force my thoughts from Vince as I looked at the many notes regarding the offloading of passengers and the few repairs we needed done before we left. The communication dish and long-range sensors had continued to act up, but the nodes we needed were in short supply currently.
I stared at the request form to up our importance on the restock list, but my brain did not wish to cooperate. My thoughts and senses flew to Vince. He was in our room, packing. I felt his general melancholy, the gaping void had returned, nearly consuming him, but not his individual thoughts.
Vince loved me, and he wanted to stay and he didn’t at the same time. Part of me wanted to take advantage of his indecision, but I wouldn’t. I wanted him to choose me for me. I didn’t want guilt to drive him to my side. I wanted to be loved and chosen for who I was.
A chime sounded at my office door. I resituated on the stool, dropping the screen onto my metal desk with a loud clack, and called, “Enter.”
The door opened, and Kalvoxrencol stepped inside. I swallowed an annoyed growl. Every single one of my brothers and Monqilcolnen had pestered me about speaking to Vince. So far they’d honored my wishes to remain quiet, but I didn’t trust them to continue that silence.
Kalvoxrencol’s thoughts were oddly quiet. All I caught was low-level concerns about Seth, their child, and about how he was hungry. I wanted to snarl. No one was better at evading me than Kalvoxrencol. I contained it, though. I would never injure him, no matter how annoying he was.
“Pest,” I greeted, keeping my expression bland.
He took a seat on one of the stools in front of my desk, his jewelry jingling. A gold necklace with a rough purple stone the same shade as his eyes stood out from the rest of the silver jewelry. Seth had gifted it to him not long after they were mated, and Kalvoxrencol never took it off.
Kalvoxrencol snorted, tail flicking. “You can hide your emotions behind this calm facade all you want, Captain, but I see through it. It’s destroying you. The thought of Vince leaving is killing you.”
I tilted my head in concession, offering my throat. I wouldn’t lie about it, at least not to them.
“I remember when I was wooing Seth. The thought of us separating was enough to send a shard of agony to my soul, and he never actively planned to leave as your Vince is.”
I swallowed, struggling to keep my calm. I’d painfully thickened my usual static shield over the last couple of days to the point I barely perceived the others around me, because I didn’t want Vince or my brothers to become victims to the agony encasing me.
“Talk to me,” Kalvoxrencol said, and I wanted to laugh. How many times had I begged him to talk to us throughout his life, and how many times had he spurned us? Nevertheless, he’d changed, and I refused to bring up his past.
I pushed a hand through my hair, letting my wings slide out, keeping them in a relaxed position. “He wants to leave, Pest. He told me this.”
“But he doesn’t know that he’s your mate.”
“He does not,” I replied. “But does it truly matter? Vince wants to go home. He says he’s not forever.”
Kalvoxrencol crossed his arms, eyes narrowing. That was his thinking face. I’d seen it many times in my life. His thoughts bounced, and I didn’t try to track them. I was too tired. Sleep had been torture. Vince had been draped over me as usual, and I had simply lain beneath him, tracing the line of his spine and savoring the feel of his cool skin against my scales because it would soon be a thing of memory.
“I cannot say what you should or shouldn’t do, Dontilvynsan, but don’t give up. Vince cares for you, that is obvious. Tell him exactly what you need. He won’t know unless you tell him. You need him to stay, and maybe he needs you to need him.”
I looked away.
