Sighing, I closed my eyes. “I can’t promise forever, Don. I can’t be with you.” Looking right at him, I continued, “This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. You’re amazing, but I’m a mess. I would only hurt you.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“What you believe doesn’t matter,” I said, squeezing his fingers. “I know me, and me? I’m not good enough for you. We’re not meant to be. You deserve much better.”
“I wantyou,” Don said, reaching for me. I didn’t fight him when he pulled me onto his lap. “I want you, Vince.”
I buried my hands in his hair, kissing his neck. God, I loved him, but it wasn’t enough. “This is my choice. I need to go home. I need to forget. What was done will never leave me, and I don’t know if I can live with it. I shouldn’t have to. I can’t be the burden you have to lug around for your entire life.” I laughed like it was a joke, but neither of us had a lick of humor.
“It would never be like that.” His arms trembled, and he burrowed his face in the crook of my neck. “I will always choose you.”
My heart was breaking, but I’d made my decision. Not saying anything, I kissed his temple.I will always love you more than anyone else in this universe, Dontilvynsan. I promise.
“You can’t promise that,” he whispered.
I smiled, recalling when he’d promised no one would ever touch me again without my permission. I repeated his words, “I can, and I am.”
I stared at the bedroom door. Don had left over an hour ago. He’d held me for a while, then without a word slipped out of bed, got dressed, and left. I didn’t blame him. I’d broken his heart. But what he didn’t know or refused to accept was I was protecting him from me. While I hated—no, that was too weak a word for what I felt—the thought of someone else touching him, Don deserved more than I could give him.
Sliding out of bed, I went to the living room to wait for him, though I wasn’t sure he was going to come back. There was also the possibility that one of his brothers or Seth would ask me to leave Don’s rooms. None of them would be dicks about it—Donwouldn’t let them—but it would be more than fair of him to want me to vacate his space.
My eyes ran over the living room that I’d made my own. Most of this stuff was from the dispenser, but some I’d picked up at the station. The bright beaded pillows, the blankets, Don’s harpsichord, my tarot cards—this space felt more like home than anywhere in my entire life. I didn’t want to leave, and I was far too selfish a person to abandon this apartment or Don unless I was forced.
Once again, my gaze settled on my tarot cards. My feet moving of their own accord, I stopped in front of the low table. The deck was harmlessly sitting on the edge in a neat pile. I’d brought them with me when I moved from my room to Don’s, but I hadn’t done another reading for him or one for myself. I wasn’t able to. I was afraid.
I scoffed. What else was new?
My lips curled into a deep scowl. Grabbing the useless cards, I chucked them across the room with a scream. What was the point? Nothing mattered. I was a fucking coward who couldn’t get over my damn issues. I grabbed one of the pillows and threw it. Heat pulsed in my stomach. It wasn’t enough.
Screaming, I threw every stupid thing I’d gotten out of the dispenser or from the station on the floor. I ripped and threw and destroyed the room that had become my home, just like I’d destroyed everything else.
I should’ve fought. I should’ve screamed. I should’ve fucking died on Xome and then none of this would be happening.
When I reached the harpsichord, I seized it and lifted it above my head. The fragile crystal would shatter into a million pieces without the slightest provocation. My grasp trembled as I simply held it aloft. One motion. One flick. One tiny inconsequential movement and I would break one of the few remaining things that tied me to Don and this place.
“Fuck,” I yelled, sliding to the floor and clasping the instrument to my chest. “Fuck it all to hell.” I bent over it, tears streaming down my cheeks. I sobbed, shoulders shaking, as grief rolled through me like an endless fog, drawing me back into the void of darkness that I thought had vanished.
No matter how much I cried, the door didn’t open, Don didn’t come back, and I remained alone.
Chapter 38
Is this truly goodbye?
I folded one of my shirts and dropped it into the bin with the same fervor as one preparing for a funeral. I’d collected an impressive amount of shit that I had to now pack up. I mean, it was utterly pointless because I couldn’t take any of it with me when I returned to Earth, but I refused to leave Don with this mess, like the one I had the other night. I’d passed out before he returned, and he had put me to bed and cleaned everything up without a word, much like how he’d left.
A sudden dark cloud surrounded me. It really hadn’t left since… well since I’d fucking destroyed Don’s living room. I clutched the rocks I’d taken from Inogga. When we’d left, I’dwanted to take a piece of paradise. I dropped them into the bin. I should have just left them there.
Paradise wasn’t a real place.
I shoved more clothes into the bin, ones that Don had bought me. After I’d made my decision, I should’ve gone back to my room, but like an asshole, I’d offered to leave, and Don, being the fucking saint he was, had refused to let me go. I hadn’t even fought him or tried to insist, because the thought of not seeing him made me sick. It had been quiet, though. He hadn’t been mean or passive aggressive about my choice, more sad than anything.
Unlike Zoltilvoxfyn, Serlotminden, and Caleb—they wouldn’t talk to me. Teddy had continued to act the same, as had Seth. But the aforementioned people scowled and growled. Don had told them to stop; he was still protecting me.
The one who shocked me was Kalvoxrencol. He’d merely watched me with a cocked head like he was trying to figure something out, but he’d been polite. It made me hate him more than ever. I deserved every harsh word, and the rat bastard wouldn’t give it to me. I swore he wasn’t being a dick just to mess with me. I wanted to punch him in the face with a knife.
I sighed, folding another shirt before dropping it into the bin. It hardly mattered. I wouldn’t be staying in the palace with them. The emperor had secured a building for the humans to live in while the moon settlement was being built. Those who were returning to Earth would travel on theAdmiral Ven, and the rest would eventually move to the moon if they wished or stay on Tamkolvanloknol.
The door opened, and Don walked in. I gave him a sad smile, gripping the thin gold chains around my neck. I should probably give them back, but I didn’t want to. He brushed a hand through my hair, and like the shameless whore I was, I leaned into the touch.
