It probably depended on their relationship, but was I okay with that? I’d never given much thought to whether I’d like to be in an open relationship or not. Sex, love, all of that had been a hazy maybe-in-the-future problem. Now, the future had met my present, and I didn’t know.
I liked Serlotminden. I would admit that. He was funny and sweet. He had this air about him that drew me in and made me want to stay next to him. I’d never met someone as magnetic as him. It was hella hot. Though I worried he didn’t think things through. He was asking for trouble half of the time, but perhaps I thought about things too much.
Like right now. Perhaps going along with what I desired, if Mindy was open to it, was the best thing, but at the same time, I wanted to contemplate the consequences. If we did startsomething physical, how would I feel when he returned to his boyfriend? When he was with both of us or him alone?
I frowned as something stabbed my heart. Yeah, I didn’t think I’d like that. Maybe open relationships weren’t for me.
Also, did I deserve to be happy? Did I deserve to be with Mindy when so many others were dead while I’d stood by and done nothing?
Footsteps sounded on the metal floor moments before the tent swished open, flooding the dark space with light. I swallowed as pressure built in my chest. I hadn’t spoken to him, and Mindy didn’t deserve my silence, but I couldn’t make myself say anything. Nerves, fear, self-loathing, and unnamed emotions strangled me.
I needed to be a fucking adult and have a real conversation with him. It wasn’t that hard.Open your mouth and fucking talk to him.
He lay next to me, not touching. “I fixed the lights.”
That explained why it was so much brighter. The lantern only illuminated so much.
“Bartholomew.” The blankets shifted. “I’m sorry. I messed up.”
No. He hadn’t. I took a deep breath and tried to say something, but the words clogged in my throat.
“Tell me what I need to do to fix this.”
Nothing, because he hadn’t made a mistake.Ask about Dontilvynsan, I screamed at myself. We needed to talk about our boundaries, or permissions, as he called them. That was all. All I needed to do was be a goddamn adult and talk.
“Please. I will fix this. I will do whatever you need to fix this,” Mindy said, practically begging.
Nothing came out. Literally nothing. How did I explain what I didn’t understand? The unfounded anger that my first kiss had been so mind-numbingly perfect, and that it was with someoneI had no future with. The hurt that he was with someone else when he didn’t know I’d existed not that long ago. The soft hope that maybe he might choose me, which was completely unfair. The worry that I wasn’t good enough or that I didn’t deserve him.
I tightened my hold on my knees.
He moved as close to me as possible without touching me, but I felt the heat of him.
With a deep breath, I opened my mouth to calmly and logically discuss what we needed to do. “What about that Dontilvynsan?” I asked, voice harsh. Fuck. I hadn’t meant to say that. This was not fair to Serlotminden. None of this was.
“What?”
“That drakcol guy you're dating. Did I say his name wrong? What would he think about what happened between us?” I silently swore. I was screwing this up.
A half-laugh escaped him, and he started to talk, but I wouldn’t let him.
“I know I have no right to be mad, but I am,” I said. “I understand we’re friends, but… Shit, Mindy. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t think I want something just physical—not that you're offering. Maybe there’s a cultural difference happening between us, but it feels like you’ve been coming on to me. But you and that Don—” I cut off, unwilling to say his name, then sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’m trying to figure everything out. I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad and embarrassed and frustrated with myself and that damn kiss.”
“Bartholomew, look at me please.” His beaming tone made me peek at him. He smiled so softly as his long hair hung around him like a cloud. He gently clasped my damaged chin, turning me all the way toward him. “Dontilvynsan and I are not courting.”
“I heard what he said.” God, I sounded like a jealous idiot, which I was. I was jealous of the drakcol that got to touch Serlotminden, who got to hear him laugh, to see him smile, or receive his concern.
“He’s my older brother, my Flower. He’s very protective of me. All of us, each of my brothers, are very protective of each other. They will stop at nothing to find me.”
My pulse picked up. “What?”
“He’s my older brother. Has that been bothering you?” He licked his lips, bending closer. “Is that why you were upset when you reached… happiness or satisfaction?”
I looked away, heat slamming my cheeks.
“I care about you, Bartholomew.”
“You said we were friends.” I hated the neediness in my voice.
