“Commander Monqilcolnen. He could help.”
“Cousin to the royal family and part of the peerage? I’m sure he could, but he will not be easy to contact.”
I slammed my fist onto the bed and swallowed a groan.
“I shall seek this Ensign Wyn, but the doctors are not going to release you.”
“One thing at a time.” Just one thing at a time. But if I didn’t see Fyn soon, I worried I was going to lose my mind, and worse, I feared how he was coping with my loss. I needed to see him; there wasn’t a choice.
Chapter 41
So that’s not red.
My fingers plucked the wilted blooms off the plant with mechanical precision. Eight weeks and three days had passed since my Caleb had vanished. I was still meeting with Doctor Jalnin almost daily, and my family didn’t leave me alone yet either. Now, though, I spent a good amount of time with Seth in my greenhouse. He was an easy companion. He didn’t pester me with questions or try to get me to talk about Caleb or what I felt—we simply existed.
I also provided a shield for him. The Ranks had been increasingly pressing Kalvoxrencol, Father, and Mother to see him. Seth didn’t want to, and Kalvoxrencol was bristling about anyone coming near his mate. Seth wasn’t to be left unguarded,and Kalvoxrencol trusted me to protect Seth when he could not, and I would. Nothing would harm him physically or otherwise while I was present.
He stared out the glass windows, sweat coating his red face, as he fiddled with his touchstone. Kalvoxrencol was currently speaking to the Cohort to relate Seth’s desire to be left alone. The two of them hadn’t been spending much time together, because of me and this new issue, but it was mainly my fault.
A sudden wave of darkness crashed over me, pulling me under. I was so pathetic. I dragged everyone down with me. No one was safe from my gravitational pull. Even Caleb. Especially Caleb. I’d hurt him most of all. Everything was my fault. My poor mate. He’d deserved far better than me.
Tears burned the backs of my eyes, and I lowered my head, allowing my hair to form a curtain around me. I ripped a withered bloom off the bush so hard that the leaves rustled and the branch cracked, threatening to break. I was a pathetic excuse for a warrior soul. I couldn’t keep anyone around me safe. I couldn’t keep my mate safe. My mate. Oh, my Caleb.
“Stop.”
I jolted.
Seth stared at me. “Stop.”
“What?”
“Hating yourself. I recognize the expression.”
“I must apologize that you and Kalvoxrencol cannot spend as much time together.”
“That’s not your fault,” he said.
“It is.”
“No,” he repeated, “it’s not. None of this is.”
My mate-brother was wrong. “Caleb is. All of this is.”
A long rush of air came out of Seth. “I’m going to say something mean, but I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“What?” “
“Not everything is about you, so stop acting like the weight of the world is on your shoulders or that everything bad is your fault.”
A tear slid down my cheek.
“I know your brain is fighting you, Fyn, making you feel less than, but it’s lying,” Seth said. “Blaming yourself and saying everything is your fault is belittling and undermines other people’s choices. Kal and I are here with you because we love you. We choose to spend time with you.
“Caleb chose to stay. He loved you, and you blaming yourself is making Caleb’s fading about yourself. He knew the risk, he knew the cost, and he chose to stay. He chose to stay because he loved you. Not because you loved him or needed him, but because he chose to be here with you. Not your fault.”
He grabbed my arm. “All the problems in the universe are not your fault.”
I looked away, tears streaming down my cheeks.
