Words churned in my gut like poison. I had never said them out loud, for they made me sound arrogant, but I couldn’t hold them back any longer. “I was meant to be emperor until I tested as a creator soul.”
“You were the leading candidate after your birth. Everyone from the emperor to Hallonnixmin thought you would be the next emperor. You had the right gift and temperament.”
“Then I was declared a creator soul by the Crystal. The same day, Hallonnixmin was chosen to rule. It tasted me and deemed me unworthy,” I bit out. “If I hadn’t indulged in my desire to paint or the like, maybe I would’ve been a warrior soul.”
He chuckled. “You were always who you were.”
“Maybe so.”
“I think I can accurately guess why you didn’t become the heir, a burden Hallonnixmin wouldloveto pass onto you by the way.”
“Why?”
“Your Seth Harris. He would never choose you if you were the heir to the throne, and if he did, he would suffer. When you touched the Crystal, it knew who you were,andwho, if you had one, was your soulmate. Now, you didn’t have to end up with Seth, but if you did, what would he need?”
My mouth fell open.
“Would you rather have Seth or the throne?”
“Seth,” I said without pause. There was no question. I would always choose him.
“Then there’s your answer. Stop hiding, Kalvoxrencol. There is no shame in being who you are. Is Pimtimzol weak for being a creator soul? Is Talvax for being a seeker soul?”
I opened my mouth to say that was different, but he asked, “Am I weak for being a spiritual soul who decided not to join theRanks along with the other priests and priestesses and instead followed my dream to travel the stars?”
“No,” I whispered, but my mind rebelled. Monqilcolnen was different. Cousins of the royal family had tested other than warrior souls, yet I was the first royal child to be anything but a warrior. I wanted to be like my older brothers.
“No,” he repeated, tightening his hold on my wrist like he could sense the war in my thoughts. “I am the strongest spiritual soul ever tested—almost pure white. It was assumed I would join the Ranks. But I knew who I was. I'm a wanderer, not a priest. We are who we are. There is no shame in your love of fighting or painting. Both have merit, and both are a part of you. It doesn’t have to be one or the other, Kalvoxrencol. A person can be more than one thing. I’m still connected to the Crystal, understanding it, but I am also an excellent commander. I am both and more. So are you.”
Chapter 29
Breaking shit is therapeutic.
I grabbed a hoodie, not the one Kal had taken since I hadn’t spoken to him yet. I felt petty, ridiculously petty. Kal shouldn’t have to tell me what he struggled with when he wasn’t ready. This wasn’t tit for tat, or I showed him mine so he would show me his. I hadn’t revealed my past because of that. I did it because I trusted him.
Nevertheless, the anger and insecurities persisted. I needed him to tell me, and it frustrated me that Kal wouldn’t share.
“Seth,” NAID said. Last night, she’d tried to get me to speak with Kal while, simultaneously, defending him.
“I know I need to talk to him, and Edith Smith says ‘Anger is corrosive’ and shit, but I’m mad.”
“I wasn’t going to say that.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I was going to say you’re allowed to have your feelings.”
“Thank you.”
“But so is Kalvoxrencol. Just because you’re ready to open up, doesn’t mean he is.”
She was right. I wasn’t owed his secrets or past because we were together. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be upset or that I can’t decide I’ve had enough of this shit.”
Her mouth fell open. “You’re giving him up? You’re going to go home? Leave us?”
My very heart revolted at the thought. I couldn’t imagine leaving Kal, NAID, Urgg, or Wyn, though needing them scared me. It hadn’t taken much time for so many people to become important to me.
“I’m saying I’m allowed to be frustrated,” I finally answered.
