Page 97 of All's Fair in Love and Blackmail
“‘So you met the woman of your dreams,’” Felix reads as I hurry closer. “‘And then you messed everything up. What do you do when you only realized too late what a great person was standing in front of you?’”
I want to take that boombox and that microphone and I want to bludgeon Felix with them.
“‘This author decided to do a bit of research,’” he goes on loudly, darting out of my way when I reach him. “‘In hopes of winning back his beautiful’”—I swipe for him and miss—“‘patient’”—I reach for the boombox this time, and he spins out of the way—“‘highly forgivingdream girl?—’”
But he breaks off when I finally manage to smack the power button, plunging my little street back into sleepy silence.
We stare at each other beneath the harsh light of the street lamp, both of us out of breath, that stupid boombox still on his shoulder.
“You found my article,” I finally say.
He nods after a brief pause. “I found it.”
“And then blatantly ripped it off.”
A grin jumps to his lips. “I didn’t rip it off, Sunshine. I just put my own spin on it?—”
“And what about theLucky in Lovearticle?” I say. I hold out my hand, and Felix passes me the newspaper.
“It’s there too,” he says. “I just did another one along with it.” The laughter fades from his face, replaced by something more vulnerable. Then he jerks his chin at the paper in my hands. “Read it.”
He looks sounsure.I move further under the streetlamp and hold the newspaper out so I’m not casting shadow over it, and then I read.
How to Win Over Your Dream Girl
(After You’ve Already Wasted Too Much Time)
by Felix Caine
So you met the woman of your dreams…and then you messed everything up. What do you do when you only realized too late what a great person was standing in front of you?
This author decided to do a bit of research in hopes of winning back his beautiful, patient, HIGHLY FORGIVING dream girl.
Try these four easy steps to mend your ways and win back your lady!
Step 1: Be honest about what went wrong.
Was it your fault? Own it. Did she confess her feelings to you, only for you to freeze up and panic and say you don’t feel the same way? Don’t be defensive. Be open about your mistakes. Address any issues that need to be worked through. Show her you’ve learned your lesson—and make sure you do better in the future.
Step 2: Apologize to her.
We here at the Four-Leaf Gazette cannot overstate the power of a genuine apology. The catch? Don’t you dare apologize unless you truly, deeply mean it. If you find yourself wondering whether you really are sorry, then let this girl go. She can do better than you.
Step 3: Right any wrongs you’ve caused.
The second you’re done reading this article, pick upPride and Prejudiceby Jane Austen. Take extensive notes on the way Darcy undoes all the damage he’s unwittingly caused. If you’ve hurt your lady love, what can you do to ease her pain?
Step 4: Respect her decision.
If you go through all these steps and your dream woman still wants nothing to do with you, you have our deepest condolences. The best thing for you to do now is back away. Remember that she’s not just the object of your affection; she’s a person trying to live her life, and that definition infinitely outweighs whatever she might be to you. So step back, wish her well, and move on.
Best of luck from your friends at the Gazette, and remember: the best way to win back your love is to not lose her in the first place!
I stare at the little article for several seconds after I’m done reading, my thoughts swirling as I try to catch up. Then I look at Felix.
“Did you readPride and Prejudice?” I say.
He rubs the back of his neck with his free hand and barks out a little laugh. “Kind of?” he says. He grasps the boombox with both hands and lifts it, lowering it gently to the ground and flexing his shoulder a few times. “I read several chapters and then skimmed.” He shoots me an apologetic look. “I’m not sure the classics are for me.”
