Page 46 of Five Stolen Rings
“I don’t?—”
“And how youwantto feel is just as valid as how youdofeel?—”
“Nobody has feelings for someone they haven’t seen in years!” I say, the words exploding out of me. “The last time I saw her was at the prom in high school. It was just a stupid crush then—there’s no way I still have feelings for her.”
“Maybe; maybe not,” Dr. Barb says, musing. “But all the things you liked about her are probably still there, to some degree. Yes?”
I grunt but don’t answer, forcing myself not to think about her smile, or the way she helped her elderly neighbor,or the way she looked Lucretia and Sophronia right in the eye and told them she was working at her parents’ market instead of some fancy architecture firm.
She still has some of the qualities I liked—but now she has qualities that she was lacking in high school, too. She no longer seems desperate to make a good impression or be universally adored.
But it doesn’t matter. She could have the best personality in the world, and Istillwouldn’t fall for her again.
“Do you think your resistance to any romantic feelings comes from your desire to be in control of your life?” Dr. Barb says, interrupting my thoughts. “Or your fear of being abandoned?”
“This was a bad idea,” I mutter, and she laughs.
“Just think about it,” she says. “You know this about yourself, Jack. You have a deep-seated desire to control your life and your circumstances. You also worry about allowing people into your life because you don’t want to lose them the way you lost your mother and then, emotionally, your father.”
I don’t answer, but she doesn’t need me to.
“You’re under no obligation to love this woman or marry her or even so much as take her on a date,” Dr. Barb continues. “But if she could make you happy and you think you’d be a good fit, it would be a shame to miss out on that relationship.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in control of my life,” I say.
“Of course there isn’t,” she says. “We need to be in control of certain things. But other things don’t need to be controlled. You need to look deep inside and ask yourself if your feelings for this woman are something that need to becontrolled or not, and you need to be honest with yourself.”
Yeah, this was a bad idea. Dr. Barb knows me better than I know myself. Why would I want to talk to someone like that?
Oh—right. Because sometimes I’m a real mess.
She’s wrong about this, though.
“All right,” I say with a sigh. “I’ll think about it.”
“Will you?” she says, and I can picture the exact expression on her face—one penciled brow raised over kind eyes, a little smile on her lips.
I clear my throat. “I will,” I say. “Eventually.”
She laughs. “You’re accountable to yourself, not to me,” she says. “But I think this could be a productive path for you to take. Give it some thought.”
I thank her, even though I dislike most of what she said, and then we hang up. One thing I’ve learned, unfortunately, is that when I dislike what Dr. Barb says, it’s usually because she’s right, and I’m in denial.
The thought makes me uncomfortable, so I set it aside for later examination, taking this time to ground myself in the present instead.
The bell peppers on my cutting board are crisp and colorful even though we’re in the dead of winter; I cut them slowly and throw out the seeds, then load them all into a bowl and drizzle a bit of ranch dressing.
I’m not always the most mature man in the world, but part of growing up for me was discovering that I feel better when I eat healthier. I’m nothing like Benny, but I try to incorporate more vegetables and fresh foods into my diet—veggies and eggs and fewer processed foods, along with lots of water.
It’s a start, anyway.
I make myself do my dishes when I’m done eating, and then I return to my couch, feeling unusually lazy. I guess I could go for a run or something, but…I let my eyes drift shut instead.
I’m asleep in no time.
STELLA || FOURTEEN YEARS AGO
I should be having the time of my life right now.
