Page 83 of City of Love
If I go to Lydia now, I’m going to have to commit. I’m going to have to be all in. And even though she was right—relationships do scare me—it’s worth it to be with her. Because I’m lying to myself if I think I can live in a world where I don’t love her, where I don’t get to make her laugh, where I don’t get to kiss her.
So, if she’ll take me, Lydia Alexander is mine. But if she turns me away—as she would be well within her rights to do—at least she’ll know how sorry I am. At least she’ll know that someone out there besides Marcus wants her.Lovesher.
Because I do. I love her more deeply than I ever thought possible.
Chapter 29
Lydia—three days later
Iknow my bedroom hasn’t changed in the last few weeks, but it feels different. It’s not the way it looks—it’s still bright, still cheerful. Everything is in the same place I left it three weeks ago.
But it doesn’tfeelthe same. I’ve been trying to figure it out, and I’m starting to think the problem isn’t my room at all. I’m starting to think thatI’mthe one who’s changed.
Which is ridiculous. Going to Paris for a few weeks can’t possibly have changed who I am at my core. I’m still Lydia.
But…maybe a different iteration of Lydia? Maybe a version of myself who better understands who she is and what she wants.
Even if she can’t muster the energy to want much right at this very moment. Even if part of what she wants is still galivanting around Paris somewhere, wooing unsuspecting women and then telling them friendship might be best.
Being home is definitely restorative, though—being back with my family and friends. I’m still in pain, and there’s still a residual sort of numbness inside, but I’m comfortable here in a way I wasn’t in France.
I’ve also been wallowing in anger a bit.
I know anger might not be the healthiest feeling for me right now, but it hurts less than the despair and self-doubt, so I’m leaning into it. Besides, I have a right to be angry. Because how dare he kiss me if he’s just going to rescind it later? I don’t think Noel would deny that I’m justified.
Just like I can admit—reluctantly, perhaps—that this isn’t entirely his fault. My issues aren’t his problem. He acted rashly, yes, and he’s clearly scared of a woman having any kind of power over him. But I can’t fault him for being honest after he kissed me. The other alternative was him dragging things out and leading me on when he actually didn’t feel that way about me. So, yeah; I get where he was coming from.
I’m not happy about it, and he really shouldn’t have kissed me, but I get it.
The second these thoughts cross my mind, the pain rears its head. I try to call back the anger, but it slips through my fingers and gives way to a hurt so deep I almost can’t breathe. I lean forward, curling in on myself as I sit on my bed. Once again, Marcus’s words return:
No one but me will ever want you.
He is the demon that lives in my head, and I feel weaker than ever.
My anger twists, as it does so frequently. Because as angry as I might be at Noel, I’m more angry at Marcus. And I’m angrier at myself than I am at both of them.
I reported him. I turned him in. I took control of the situation—or I thought I did. And yet somehow he’s still in my mind, affecting how I feel about myself.
I can see all of this logically, as though from the outside. I know my worth isn’t tied to what someone else thinks. I know that the interest of a man isn’t what defines me. Iknowthat. But I can’t seem to change what I feel.
And that makes me feel weak.
There’s a knock at my door, which startles me out of my unpleasant thoughts. It’s Jade; she said she was coming over.
“Yeah,” I say.
She pops her head in, red hair swinging in curtains around her face, before slipping inside and closing the door behind her.
“Hi,” she says. She must be able to read the vibe in the room, because she sounds much more subdued than usual. Ever since I filled her in on everything that happened in France—Noel’s dubious lifestyle choices included—she’s been by my side, as supportive as I could ever ask. So has Mina, although I haven’t told her everything, since I don’t want her to feel like she’s keeping something from Cohen.
Because, yeah, I amsonot telling my brothers all about Noel. They know I came home early, and they know I’m not feeling great. They’ve deduced that Noel is the reason, because they’re not stupid. But other than that, I haven’t told them anything else. My parents got a slightly more in-depth version, but only Jade knows everything.
Including all the stuff about Marcus. That was a rough conversation. But you’d better believe that if he runs into Jade in a dark alley, she’s not going to let him walk away unscathed. Jade is an itty bitty person, but she’s so angry about him that I’m sure she’d figure out how to do some damage anyway.
I give Jade a little wave when she enters, but I don’t respond, because there’s suddenly a knot in my throat that won’t loosen.
“So how are we doing today?” she says without preamble. “Do we hate him, or are we hopeful for the future, or…?”
