Page 46 of Arseni
I slowly turn my head his way, silent tears spilling onto the newspaper, smudging the ink.My jaw is dropped a centimeter in remorse and an inch in shock at what he’s saying.“This is a mistake,” I say, a whisper all I can manage.I pick up the paper with a trembling hand.“Nothing about this is true.I’m not… I don’t have akink.I have a lunatic who plantedhorrificphotographs in my house because I pissed him off.I would…” I suck in a breath.“I wouldneverdo what you’re suggesting.”
Nikita scratches his shaved chin for a moment.He doesn’t look like he’s thinking as much as collecting himself.“You’d never, what?...Fuck a juvenile?Haven’t you already crossed that bridge with my young cohort?He’s as child-like as it gets.”
I shake my head, my arms wrapping around my cramped stomach.“That’s different.That… That wasn’t myfault.Hemademe?—”
Nikita holds up a hand.“Okay, this is getting boring.”
I close my mouth and watch as a palm sands his forehead before moving into his hair, disheveling locks.He slams his palm on the table, rattling glass and making me jump.“You know what, it’s fine.”
When he smiles, all friendliness is gone.I’ve disappointed him.I’ve let downeveryone, but he’s currently the only person in the world I’m disappointing for the right reasons.
My heart is too broken to let fear of this mobster take first place in my mind.It’s there.I can’t ignore my current situation.
But part of me hopes he sinks a bullet into my head while I’m not looking.I wish he’d done it before showing me the newspaper.
“I’m always looking for a new maid.”Nikita picks up my plate and chucks it at the wall.I gasp as the ceramic shatters, its pieces clattering on the tile like rain.“Start now.”
The anger in his voice pushes me from the table on autopilot, bunching the clothed napkin in my hands.
“No.”My heart leaps at his voice.“Don’t dirty my serviettes.Make use of your tongue if you wish to keep it.I don’t want to hear you speak again.”
Breath shaking, I set the napkin down and walk around the table toward the broken plate.As I pass Nikita’s chair, my arm is hugged to my tense side, as if he might reach out and snatch me.But he doesn’t.He watches as I drop to my knees and begin gathering shards of ceramic.
Every sharp piece I collect makes me think of cutting my wrist, even as I shake with fear of pain.How can I still be afraid of suffering while too mortified to live?
“Cleanthe wall, slave.”
My lips parted, I slowly lay the shards on the floor and turn to the splattered grease stain, bits of watery egg clinging to it.I can feel his impatience behind me, the energy so violent I know he was serious about cutting off my tongue.It would be fitting for him to choose today, of all days, to commit such a symbolically cruel act.No one will ever believe I’m innocent, but without a tongue, I won’t even be able to speak the truth.
I wouldn’t put it pastHimto have given Nikita the idea.
Rising onto my knees, I close my eyes and lightly run the tip of my tongue across the wall.Bits of egg collect on my taste buds, but it’s only sour shame that registers.
“What’s going on?”
Arseni’s voice.Cautiously curious.
I whimper at his arrival but don’t turn my head towards him, though I want to.I desperately want to.
My lungs wheeze as pain twists, and it’s stupid, but I want him to fix it.I want him to ask me if I’m okay.To kiss my tears away.To cradle me on his lap and talk to me like I’m a human being.
After his harsh desertion on Thanksgiving, I resented his presence.I’ve been grateful for his neglect.
But now, his rejection hurts.It hurts like an all-new wave of agony rushing over me, and I want desperately for him to understand.Because it occurs to me that he’s the only person in the world who might.
It’s Nikita who speaks next, his voice bunching my shoulders.
“Oleg!Take the slut back to the basement!”
17
ARSENI
Idon’t look at Margot as she leaves.
My eyes stay trained on Nikita, my face blank.I don’t know if this is some sort of test or if he’s just gotten bored and decided to bring out the new toy.But I won’t chance it either way.
Once Oleg and Margot are out of the room, I step closer to the table, my hands clasped behind my back.
