Mari takes a deep breath and sighs it out. “Yeah, I don’t like that one, either,” she says. “I mean, nothing is forever. We all leave this world eventually, and sometimes we leave people we don’t want to leave behind. But that’s not a good reason not to live, right? Being human is a giantfuck youto everything that can go wrong. Putting one foot in front of the other and justshowingupis so hugely brave. And don’t get me wrong. It’shardto be brave when shitty things have happened to you. When the people who were supposed to love you sucked at it. But the choice is, basically, shrink or grow. You can stay safe, but it will always make you smaller. Or you can be brave and get bigger. Let in more people and more light, and yeah, it’ll hurt sometimes, but sometimes it’ll be the best thing you ever did.”
I stare at her. And then, unexpectedly, I start to cry.
She puts her arms around me and holds me until I manage to stop. Milo shoves his face between us.
“You want to talk about it?” Mari asks.
I tell her about the book my mom didn’t make for me and the moment of stupid hope that I allowed myself before I figured it out.
“I’ve been there,” she says. “My mom is still pretty useless. I let her see the kids from time to time because I want to model forgiveness and generosity for them—but she and I will never have a real relationship again. It never stops hurting, but it’s a lot better now that I can be the kind of mom I wish I’d had.”
“I like that,” I say. “I’m not sure if I ever want to be a mom or not, but I could still try to be the kind of person I wish she was. The kind who would show up for her daughter’s wedding and make her own damn book instead of having her assistant do it.”
Mari smiles. “I definitely think you’re that kind of person.”
“So I just…what? I just don’t tell him to leave me alone?”
“Yeah,” she says. “And maybe someday you’ll feel like you can tell him you want him to stay—but there’s no rush.”
“And in the meantime? What do Ido?”
Mari tilts her head. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” I admit.
She smiles at that. “When I don’t know what to do, I don’t do anything at all.”
“That sounds…hard.”
“Yeah, it can be.”
“Like you do literally nothing?”
“I let things happen.”
“That sounds boring.”
She shakes her head. “The amazing truth is…it never is.”
52
Eden
The next day, Rhys brings me lunch.
The door of the shop chimes, and he’s standing there, two paper bags from Spa Day Sandwiches in his hand.
He hands me mine. “I had to guess,” he says. “I went with ham and brie, but?—”
“That’s perfect.”
“You can tell me to leave you alone. I can go eat mine on a bench on the green. Or—anywhere else.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to leave.”
His eyes flash to mine.
“Today,” I clarify and bite my lip.
