Page 61 of The Bordeaux Book Club
‘Look, I’d’ve got a bloke, a male counsellor or whatever, if I could. But she can speak English, Leah. And I know I’m working on my French. But when you’re talking about feelings… It’s hard enough to find the words as it is.’
She looked up then, met his eye. ‘OK,’ she said, slowly. ‘Say I believe you. That there’s nothing going on – then why the mystery?’
He shrugged, looking for a moment almost exactly like his daughter. ‘I was embarrassed, I suppose.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Yeah. I dunno. It feels… well, pathetic. Needing help like that. It’s not very… sexy.’
‘Nathan!’ she said, reaching out for the first time. Touching his hand, just a fraction. ‘It’s not pathetic at all. Come on, we’ve talked about mental health before – we talk about everything. You really couldn’t talk to me about that?’
The shrug again. ‘It sounds stupid now,’ he admitted. ‘It’s just, you’re doing all that work online, and helping with the garden. And what am I doing? Waving a spade around and failing to grow anything. I didn’t… I just hoped I could find asolution to it all without causing you any stress. I wanted to find a way forward.’
She snorted. ‘Safe to say, you caused more than a little bit of stress.’ But she could feel herself relax slightly. It felt true. But if he was depressed, how serious was it? Was he just revealing the edges of something much deeper?
‘I didn’t want you to know I wasn’t happy, after it was me that more or less suggested this,’ he said. ‘I wanted to find a solution.’
‘And have you? I mean, is it helping? The therapy?’ she said, cautiously.
He nodded. ‘I think so.’
‘And you’re… you don’t think you need to see a doctor?’
He shook his head once, briefly. ‘I told Dr Leycure,’ he said. ‘Told her what I was doing. She offered me some stuff to take, but I haven’t yet. She gave me her number in case I’m ever… I ever feel… well…’ His cheeks reddened.
It was a lot to take on. And after so much time suspecting, Leah was finding it hard to fully accept his reasoning. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘I mean, that’s awful and I’m glad you’re getting help. But what I don’t… what I don’t understand is – why didn’t you feel you could talk to me? Seriously?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘So what do we do now?’ she said. ‘Do you want to sell up? Move back?’
‘Well, carry on,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to quit this life. I don’t think. I’m just working through – working out why I feel the way I do. It doesn’t mean this isn’t the right life for me, for us.’
She nodded again. ‘OK,’ she said uncertainly. Then a thought. ‘Hang on,’ she added. ‘If this woman…’
‘Adeline.’
‘Adeline,’ she said. ‘If Adeline is a life coach, then how come you’d always go out so “last minute”? Why didn’t you tell me you had an appointment? Why all the rushing off?’
He blushed. ‘It wasn’t really so last minute. I knew. I just wanted… I guess I didn’t want you to insist on coming. If I waited till we both worked, got dirty… I knew I could get a head start and look like I was just rushing out and you wouldn’t, couldn’t come with me.’
She gave a deep sigh. ‘For God’s sake, Nathan.’
‘I know.’
‘You’re an idiot, you know that?’
‘I think I’m in agreement there.’ He said, a half-smile on his lips.
‘OK,’ she said.
‘OK?’
‘OK. It makes sense. All of it. I suppose. I’m just a bit hurt you didn’t feel you could tell me.’
‘Typical man?’ he offered.
‘I guess so,’ she said. She held his hand now, properly. ‘But seriously, Nathan, this has to be the end of it. Promise you’ll tell me if you feel… well, how you feel from now on?’
