Page 94 of The Outsider
“That’s none of your business.”
“Isn’t it?” I said, folding my arms over my chest. “She’s my future sister-in-law, and she deserves better than to be strung along. She cares about you, but if you’re not into her, why not just tell her? Save her the pain of worrying about you all the time.”
“Butt the hell out, Claire,” Asha shot back, her hands clenching into fists on the tabletop. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Not everyone can moon over mediocre men and suck Wastelander dick every five minutes like you can. Some of us have self-respect.”
The words hit like a blow, and I stood up abruptly from the table. I took a deep breath, trying to remember that Asha tended to lash out when she felt attacked.It’s not personal, I told myself.
“I’m trying to help you,” I said, and I hated the tremor in my voice.
She shrugged. “So am I. How do you think the people here are gonna react when they realize your uterus is useless to them? That’s what they want, by the way. They need to keep their population up, and there’s no way to do it anymore without new blood. If they let you stay after six months, it’ll be because they think you’re going to pop out a few babies for Farmer Boy.”
“It’s not up to them,” I replied, but I didn’t sound certain even to my ears.
“Have you even talked to him about it?” Asha asked, raising an eyebrow. “Surely, he knows that you’ll never be able to give him kids. That kind of thing creates resentment over time.”
Truthfully, with everything that’d been going on lately, my fertility was the last thing on my mind. Asha was right, however. My implant effectively made me unable to get pregnant, and only the Cave leaders—whoever they’d been—knew how to deactivate it.
“He loves me,” I said simply. “And I think if you would let her, Kimmy would love you, too. But if you keep pushing her away, or ifyou’re still hung up on someone else, you’ll ruin any chance you have with her. I want you to be happy.”
She deflated a little, her shoulders dropping.
“I know,” she said, in a much milder tone. “I want that for you, too. Sometimes I think about how much better it’d be if we could just go home. Leave the Wasteland behind. Maybe I could finally feel safe again. Be more like myself.”
“You don’t need walls to feel safe,” I answered softly. “And without freedom, you can never really have safety.”
Asha sighed. “I wish I believed that. I’m sorry for what I said to you before. It was rude and uncalled for.”
“I know.” I forced my face into an understanding expression.
“But,” she continued, “I still don’t want to be a teacher. If you say I have freedom here, then I want to be free to choose a different path than the one I was assigned at home. I like scavenging. I’m good at finding things, and I don’t mind being alone. That’s the only time I feel even somewhat normal nowadays.”
I nodded slowly. “Okay. I can accept that.”
Asha went to bed shortly after, leaving me alone with my worries. The following morning, I was surprised when she joined me and Kimmy for morning chores. Unfortunately, John had been called in again that morning to pull a double patrol shift because one of the other outriders had fallen ill. I worried about him getting enough sleep, but he reassured me, as always, that he’d be fine. The dark shadows under his eyes didn’t make me feel better, though.
“You can’t burn the candle at both ends forever, Wastelander,” I’d said at the door.
John pecked my lips. “It’s alright, baby. Just part of the initiation process. It won’t always be like this.”
He headed back out into the frigid morning with Ghost. I sighed, still worried. I hadn’t seen him for more than an hour at a time the past several days. He kept pushing himself, doing more, trying to prove himself—as though he hadn’t done it a thousand times over already.
“Stubborn man,” I muttered, then went to bundle up before heading out to the barn with Kimmy and Asha.
It was a freezing, blustery February day. I enlisted Asha’s help in feeding the cattle, while Kimmy went to the stable to take care of Bella. The cows needed milking, which apparently disgusted Asha.
She did her best to help, but after seeing her shudder, I said, “It’s alright, Ash. I’ll do it.”
She gave me a grateful look. “Thank you. I don’t know why it bothers me so much.”
“How about you skim it after I’m done?” I replied, taking a large ladle from the tools hanging on the wall. “Separate the milk and the cream.”
She flashed a rare smile. “Deal.”
I started on the first cow, slipping a metal bucket underneath the udder and adjusting my stool. The cows were well-trained, so my first time hadn’t been as difficult as I’d feared. It was almost meditative now, and I narrowed my focus to the task at hand. When I finished, I handed the bucket to Asha and started on the next cow.
The second bucket was nearly full when the barn door burst open and the howling wind blew in. I jumped up, startled, and the bucket clanged as it toppled over. Milk spilt all over my boots and the concrete floor, and the cow gave a very unhappy moo.
“Great job,” a young male voice jeered from the door. “That’ll definitely convince everyone you belong here. Idiot.”
