He swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
I moved closer and touched his cheek. He leaned into my hand reflexively, and true to his word, he looked vulnerable in a way that tugged at the edges of my heart.
“Silly John,” I chided gently. “You think that your incredible, bone-deep capacity for love is your weakness? When it’s really your greatest strength?”
John frowned. “What I did—what I’ve done—”
“—is protect the ones you love with a ferocity I’ve never seen in anyone else,” I interceded firmly. “It’s why I’m alive. If you have darkness inside of you, it’s no worse than anyone else’s. At least you harness yours for good.”
He shook his head again. “That’s not the problem. I’ve accepted that part of me…and I didn’t care about whatever darkness I had until I met you.”
I stroked my thumb along his jaw, seized by the urge to soothe him.
“You think I don’t know what kind of man you are?” I asked softly.
John fixed me with his amber gaze. “I never cared so much before if anyone thought I was a good man until you. Don’t get me wrong, I always had a conscience, and tried to live up to what my grandparents taught me was right.”
He paused, seeming to wrestle with emotion before continuing. “But…if you didn’t think I was good, I don’t know what I’d do, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m fucking crazy about you, baby.”
I smiled. “I’d heard something like that, yes.”
He covered my hand with his and brought it to his lips, and my heart ached anew.
“And that night a few weeks ago, when I said it was a weakness,” he said, “it was because in that moment, I felt perfect, and I thought,if anyone ever took this from me, I’d just…die.I wouldn’t want to keep surviving without it—without you. And that scares the shit out of me. I never felt like I had something so good that it would destroy me completely to lose it.”
He blew out a breath. “When my grandparents died, I thought that was the worst pain I could feel. But now I know that it’s not. And ifI pulled away that night, it’s because I don’t always know how to deal with that.”
The overwhelming tenderness in my chest wouldn’t let up. I moved in and kissed him—slowly, gently, like he might break at the slightest mishandling.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I murmured, our lips an inch apart. “And how you could doubt that I adore you, exactly as you are, is a mystery.”
The hint of a smile tugged at the corners of John’s mouth, but he still held back.
“You didn’t always feel that way, though. With how scared of me you used to be…”
I kissed him again, cutting him off. “I was raised on lies about Wastelanders, and I was wrong. Besides, that was before I knew how charming you could be. And the heart of gold hidden underneath that gruff, sexy Wastelander exterior.”
He couldn’t hold off anymore; he laughed. “And before I knew that a lion’s heart lived inside that little mouse, hmm?”
I rolled my eyes. “That remains to be seen.”
He chuckled but then turned serious again.
“I promise I’ll be more open with you…or at least, if I have a good reason to keep something to myself, I’ll tell you.”
I nodded, satisfied, and he pressed his lips to my forehead and held them there. A halo of warmth surrounded me, and despite the fact that I felt weak with hunger, I was perfectly content.
“Claire,” he murmured against my skin after a beat, “I wanted—”
The cabin door banged open, and Kimmy and Asha bustled in, a dead turkey and a cooking pot full of snow between them.
“Dinner,” Kimmy said briskly, holding out the carcass. “Found this guy nesting near a lake.”
I gasped in delight and took it, reflecting on how much I really had changed, that the sight of a dead turkey was cause for celebration rather than disgust. The thought of eating a hot meal made my empty stomach growl audibly. John sighed, shooting me a look that said he regretted ending the conversation. I shrugged and gave him a small smile. We’d said all the important things.
John and I prepared the turkey while Kimmy set up the cooking supplies. Asha set the pot of snow on the woodstove to boil. She gaveme a pointed look, and I knew she wondered what had passed between me and John. I wasn’t sure she’d be pleased by the happy resolution, but I resolved to give her time. We all needed to be patient with each other and work harder to trust—even when it was painful or difficult. We wouldn’t survive this trip otherwise.
Chapter 15
