Page 124 of The Outsider
She shook her head. “You’re doing what you always do, making excuses for these Wastelanders who act exactly like Wastelanders do: they’re willing to do anything to keep even the tiny bit of power they’ve carved out for themselves.”
“Our compound was no better,” I argued. “We killed not only Wastelanders, but our own people, ostensibly to keep the peace.”
“But at least we lived in safety!” Asha burst out, folding her arms. “Safety and comfort. Here, we make do with what we’ve got, but this’ll never stop being a backwater bit of nowhere, Claire, and you know it.”
I clenched my jaw. “Summerhurst isn’t nowhere. It’s our home.”
“Yeah, sure, it’s you and John’s home. It’ll never be mine.”
The words landed like a blow. After months of trying to fit in, I’d finally found my place in the Valley…but Asha hadn’t. Asha, who was gone as often as she could be. Who’d made no real friends and seemed to have no desire to.
“If that’s how you feel,” I said, rubbing my eyes, “then how do you expect to stay here?”
Asha bit her lip. “What if there was a way to go home? And that we could go—you and me.”
I balked. “What do you mean? Home is gone.”
“Just answer. What would you do if you had a real choice—if you and I could leave, go back to something like our old lives?”
I tensed at the suggestion. For the first time, I felt true disgust toward Asha. She would throw away what we had for the half-life we’d once lived?
“How could you ask me that?” I said, unable to keep the indignation out of my voice.
“Before you get upset, think about it,” Asha replied, holding up her hands defensively. “You’d finally be safe again. No more looking over your shoulder for the Order, or for backward Wastelanders who feel threatened just by your presence. Imagine walking down the street without worry. And having all the things you miss—libraries, stores, proper school supplies for your students. Imagine going grocery shopping again instead of slaving away in a field, for God’s sake.”
As she spoke, my old life came alive again in my mind’s eye, filled with all the modern conveniences I couldn’t deny I sometimes missed. In many ways, daily life was certainly easier in the compound. But it came at a steep price of freedom and autonomy, and of the kind of love that I had with John.
Even if I had to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life, I wanted to be with him. He was part of me now, and he made me stronger. He was the one who taught me what it meant to be brave.
“I love John,” I said softly, leaning back against my pillow. “And I love the Valley.”
“But—”
“I’ll always choose them, Asha. You were right that you’re not the friend I remember, but here’s something you missed: I’m not, either.”
Asha stared at me with genuine hurt in her eyes, but I held fast. I wouldn’t entertain any more fantasies about a place that was gone, and a time that was dead and buried. More than that, I’d found my true family outside the Walls. With them, I was finally free, and maybe that also meant it was time to let go of the person I kept wishing Asha would become again. That person had died along with the Cave.
“I’m sorry you haven’t found your place here,” I continued as I stood to leave, “but I have nothing left to give you.”
It was evening on the first day of May, and there was a knock on the front door. Kimmy and I sat in the living room again, this time alone. John was once again on patrol, and for whatever reason, tonight I felt his absence more keenly. I wished he was there to cuddle with me on the sofa and make me laugh. Since the conversation with Asha days before, a gloom had settled over me that I couldn’t shake. She hadn’t spoken to me since, and she’d left us behind again on a scav mission.
Kimmy frowned as someone knocked for a second time; we hadn’t been expecting anyone. Shooting me a look that told me to stay put, she left. A moment later, I heard the door open.
“Scott! What a surprise,” Kimmy said, her voice floating down the hall. “What brings you here?”
“I wanted to let Claire know that I finally managed to decrypt the drive she brought me months ago. Is she home?”
My heart leapt. Neil’s drive, addressed to me. In truth, I’d forgotten all about it. I jumped up from the sofa and padded down the hall to the entryway.
“Hello, Scott,” I said brightly. “I heard what you said. Did you manage to open the drive?”
He smiled pleasantly at me, his glasses on his nose.
“I did,” he replied. “There was only one file on it. It’s a document. A letter, I think. Addressed to you. I didn’t read it.”
“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Alright.”
“I can show it to you, but you’ll have to come back with me,” he said.
