“Griffin. What are you talking about?”
“Well, I’d only live here full-time in the off-season. But my rookie contract is only through next season, so who knows where we’ll be at that point. But you and Cadence deserve a home that’s entirely your own.”
“We can’t live together, Griff. We haven’t even figured out how to co-parent yet. We-we’re barely even friends.”
Ouch. I rub my chest, trying to ease the ache from her words.
“You’re right. Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. I bought this house to have a place to live when I’m here in the off-season. That’s not for another six months, so we will cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, I wanted to show you the place and let you know my intentions. You may think we’re barely friends, but that’s not how I feel. In fact, I’d say you’ve quickly become my best friend again.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. We’re friends. But we’re also not. Sometimes, the way I still feel isn’t friendly.”
“Look, I know there’s probably still a lot of hesitation or resentment on your end that will take time to work through. It just makes me want to try that much harder to prove that I’m in this. That I will never turn my back on the two of you again.”
Kenna doesn’t respond with words. She brings her hand to her mouth to cover a sob, tears falling down her cheeks as she shakes her head in acknowledgment.
I may only be half a man, but these two girls—Kenna and Cadence—have picked up the pieces and made me want to be the best version of myself.
I intend to show her just how much they mean to me. Buying this house, which I’m hoping they’ll help turn into a home, was the first big step in doing so.
Later that night, after we put Cadence to bed, Kenna and I are wrapping presents in the living room by the fireplace. I’ve just finished wrapping a book for Cadence when Kenna breaks the tense silence that’s fallen upon us since we got back.
“Some nights are like tonight—harder, I mean. Especially when she’s thrown off her schedule like she was this week,” she explains. I can’t gauge Kenna’s emotions right now. I’m not sure if she’s anxious, stressed, upset, or angry. Maybe all of the above. After we left my house to come back to Carson’s, Cadence became inconsolable, and Kenna didn’t want my help trying to soothe her.
“I understand not every day or night will be easy, Kenna. But I can’t help but feel inadequate in those moments. How am I supposed to learn what will soothe her if you shut me out?” I question.
She pauses her wrapping and looks up at me. “How do I know you won’t push us away again? When things get hard, or if one of us gets hurt, how do I know you won’t just bail on Cadence?” Her eyes fill with unshed tears, making me curse myself for putting off this conversation.
Pushing aside the wrapping paper, I scooch closer to Kenna. “I understand where your concerns are coming from. I know I need to prove myself to you. But I promise you, I will never leave you or Cadence willingly ever again. I’m in this, McKenna.”
Kenna’s posture stiffens at my words. “Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep, Griff,” she whispers. “You can’t leave us again if you get scared that we’ll get hurt. What happens if something happensto me? Will you be there for Cadence, or will you get scared again that everyone you care about dies? You said a lot of awful things to me; whether you remember them or not, I do.”
Closing my eyes, I try to take a calming breath to ease the emotions threatening to take over. When I open them again, Kenna is blurred from my watery eyes. I take another deep, shuddering breath before I say, “After almost two years of therapy, I’ve developed coping mechanisms. My therapist has taught me ways to work through and express my fears and concerns. Once I found out about Cadence, one of my first few calls was to my therapist. I still attend therapy sessions regularly, and it not only helps me be my best self but a better hockey player, father, and hopefully partner to you.”
I pause before continuing, “I know the things I said and did to you were awful. I won’t try to excuse my behavior. I’ll never be able to express how sorry I am for pushing you away and for hurting you. I broke what we had because I was scared to lose you. In doing so, I not only lost the love of a lifetime, but I missed out on every step of your pregnancy and our daughter’s first year and a half of her life.”
Kenna reaches out, placing her hand in mine. “I have things I need to apologize for too, Griff. After seeing you in Boston, I was hesitant to reach out to you about Cadence. Even though I tried to contact you, in my heart I know I should’ve tried harder. Part of me knows I could’ve done more. But I was not only trying to protect Cadence but protect myself as well. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for not trying harder. I robbed you of so many nights with her. I let the hurt I was feeling cloud my good sense.”
“We both made mistakes in the past, but we can’t keep rehashing them. We need to move on and move forward together, Kenna.”
She just stares back at me, tears now streaming down her face.
“Sunshine, please don’t. You were right to think I wasn’t in the right place to bring a child into the world. I wasn’t. Just know that I needed time to work on myself. While I hate that I missed so much, I wouldn’t have been able to work on myself if things didn’t work out the way they did.”
Kenna just nods her head in response, hiccuping as her tears slowly stream down her cheeks.
“I know we haven’t had a chance to talk about the future yet—but you’re it, Kenna. You and Cadence are my future. I’m in this all the way. I’ve learned to be patient in the time we’ve spent apart. I understand that I need to prove myself to you.”
“I just need some more time, Griff.”
Squeezing her hand in mine, I reassure her, “We’ve got nothing but time, Sunshine. I’m not going anywhere.”
One day at a time, I will prove myself to her by continuing to show up for them and support her. I meant what I said, I’m not going anywhere ever again. My world now revolves around my Sunshine and Little Ray.
It’s my first Christmas morning with my girls. I stayed at Kenna’s place last night since my new house isn’t furnished yet. I asked Kenna if she would be willing to go furniture shopping with me tomorrow before I need to leave town the following day.
I didn’t tell her this, but I want her to help pick out the furniture, so I know she likes what goes into what I hope will eventually beourhome.
After our talk last night, we finished wrapping presents, watched a Christmas movie, and drank spiked hot chocolate. Even though Cadence is still far too young to catch us in the act, we still tiptoed around and acted as if she was going to come out of her room at any moment.
