My therapist’s name is Camila, and I’ve felt like I can open up to her so far. Today, I’m sitting across from her in her office, watching as she nods in understanding of what I’ve just said.
“Sometimes it feels like a betrayal to her if I get new friends. She’s irreplaceable in my life.”
“I can understand why it may feel like a betrayal. But, tell me, what do you think Katie would want you to do?” Camila asks.
“She was the most selfless person I know. Katie would want me to be happy, to meet new people, not close in on myself. But I don’t know how to do that without her. She always pushed me out of my shell.”
“Have you gone out with your team? Made any new friends?”
“Katie and I became friends with Alexa and Brooke when we trained with them this spring and summer. Brooke and I have become closer recently. She lost her brother three years ago, so she’s been talking me through the waves of grief and guilt I’m feeling.”
Camila adds notes to the legal pad that’s always in her lap during our sessions while I recount one of the conversations Brooke and I had that’s been weighing on me.
“Brooke said the first year will be the hardest. I’ll be filled with moments where I think I’m okay. Then I’ll see something, experience something new that makes me want to call her up, and grief will pull me right back under. There will be times when I’ll be reminded that something was Katie’s last. Or firsts that I’ll experience that I realize she never will.” Brooke’s words really hit their mark with me when we spoke earlier this week.
I continue, “Typically, I love going back to school, so my first day of classes would have been something I looked forward to. I was looking forward to them before the accident. Instead, on my first day of classes, I not only felt unbearable sadness and heartbreak, I was riddled with guilt for being alive—for being able to attend classes when Katie never got the chance. Will it always be like this? Will I feel guilty when I’m proposed to, get married, or start a family?”
“I can’t answer that for you. Each milestone may bring a wave of grief and possibly guilt. But instead of letting those feelings take hold of you, I want you to write in your grief journal what you would have said to her had she been there with you. Write what you would have texted her, or called her, and said.”
Hearing Camila bring up texting triggers me to look down at my phone sitting on my lap. It makes me think of my text thread with Griffin—at the weeks of unanswered texts I’ve sent him.
Me:
Did you make it back alright?
I miss her so much.
I miss you.
It feels like I lost bothof my best friends that night.
Say something, Griff.
Griff hasn’t returned any of my texts or calls. I haven’t been able to bring myself to stop trying, though. It makes me feel more pathetic each time my attempt to reach out goes unanswered.
“McKenna? Where did you go just now?” Camila questions.
I shake my head, knowing we don’t have enough time to dive into my feelings about Griffin in today’s session.
“These sessions are yours. Remember, we go at your pace,” Camila reassures me, giving me the courage to speak about what’s weighing on my heart.
“I’m already grieving Katie, but it feels like I need to grieve Griffin, too. I haven’t moved past the denial phase of grieving him. I’m not even angry with him. After what he said to me—what he believes—I should have already accepted that we will never be together again. But I can’t.”
I wish he would give me something. A drunk text. A drunk dial in the middle of the night. Anything. I hate that I’m so desperate for an ounce of his attention. If it weren’t for me being able to see that he’s on the ice for each of his games, I’d believe he died that night, too.
Today was dark. I woke up, and grief kissed me with a feeling of despair I hadn’t been able to shake. I wished I could cry inconsolably, but I couldn’t. Instead, emptiness took hold of me.
I knew I needed to get out of my own head, so I called Brooke to see if she was free, and now we're currently grabbing dinner at The Eatery on campus before our late classstarts.
“Do you want to come out with us for Halloween? We’re doing a team costume theme. I guess they do it every year, and this year, the theme is Disney Princesses. You’d make the perfect Rapunzel,” Brooke suggests. “Please come, Kenna. You can’t leave me on my own. Alexa is visiting her boyfriend that weekend, so I’ll be the only freshman.” She folds her hands together, pleading for me to give in.
“Where are you guys going?”
“We’ll probably hit up Greek Row.”
I manage to hide my cringe. Drew pledged for a frat last year, and I hated every one of the parties he dragged me to until we broke up.
“Fine, I’ll be your sober companion. I don’t drink at frat houses,” I tell her.
