Page 7 of Joy Guardian
“You know what? I’m feeling fine, everything considered,” I blurted out.
“I’m glad to hear—” he started, but I didn’t let him finish.
“I think it jump-started something in my head. I’ve been trying to understand how it happened, and I think I’ve figured it out.”
“What have you figured out?” He looked confused.
I set my empty plate on the ledge of the fountain and patted the bench next to me.
“Sit down, and I’ll tell you.”
I realized that listening to the ramblings of my troubled mind wasn’t such an enticing proposition. But he sat down and turned to me, looking ready to absorb whatever I threw at him.
“You see,” I said, “when you experience everything there is to experience, I mean like the entire range of emotions from the deepest despair to the most wondrous euphoria, there’s nothing left to wish for and nothing left to fear. I felt it all, and I survived. There’s nothing that life can throw at me now that I hadn’t already felt. Do you know what it means?”
“Maybe,” he said slowly. “But I’d like to hear it from you.”
“It’s comforting. Because now I know for a fact that I can live through anything. It makes me feel strong—strong enough to finally be able to think about the time when I felt very, very weak, small, and insignificant… When I didn’t think I mattered at all…” My voice broke, despite my best efforts.
I inhaled deeply again, then realized that this man might have no idea what I was talking about.
“Do you know what happens when they put this thing on a person?” I pointed at the black ribbons circling my neck, chest, and arms.
His long eyebrows rose in surprise, and I noticed how intensely green his eyes were, like true gemstones.
“I do,” he said. “I was in the room with you too. Do you not remember me?”
I took a closer look at him, but it proved useless.
“No, sorry, I don’t,” I confessed. “But I don’t remember many things. Hours and even days seem to have disappeared on me. I think it’s because I didn’t put much effort into remembering them while I was living through them, just wishing they’d pass by quickly.”
“You didn’t care to remember?”
“I didn’t care…” I echoed. “I remember being scared when the shadows grabbed me. I screamed. But I don’t recall what happened next, not the travel to the queen’s palace, not our arrival to thesarai. I only have a very vague memory of the harness fitting. The memory of waking up the last morning…I mean the lastevening,is the clearest recent memory I have. And now, I’m trying to go back in time and sort through all my past memories too.”
“Why?” he asked with a wince, as if the very idea of remembering one’s past repulsed him.
I pondered his question. When it came to my past, I’d probably be better off not remembering some things. But oblivion felt like a numbness trapping my mind, when I longed to be free.
“Because I’ve lost myself over the years, Kurai. And now, to find and pick up all the pieces of me, I feel like I should retrace my steps along the same path.”
“I’m afraid I don’t fully understand,” he prompted. “How?”
“Like, I’ve just remembered that when I was in school, I used to talk so much that people would joke about me never shutting up. But now…” I rubbed my throat. “Now, I often have to make a conscious effort to even make a sound. I used to laugh a lot. And now, I can no longer remember what made me laugh. I used to smile so much?—”
“You still do.”
“What?” His words shocked me.
“You still smile quite often.”
“I do?” I became suddenly aware that I was indeed smiling right now too.
“Yes. A smile rarely leaves your face, and I’ve been trying to understand why. Humans usually smile when they’re happy. But Councilor Terent couldn’t find a single positive emotion inside you when he tried last night.”
I wondered what the councilor would find in me now. Because I didn’t feel that bad at all. I believed I actually enjoyed Kurai’s company.
“Like right now.” Kurai pointed a finger at my face. “You’re smiling again, but you’re looking rather sad, not happy. Why?”
