Page 73 of Knot Gonna Give You Up
He carries me upstairs, inciting giggles from me as we go. Having Henry on my side is everything, and I refuse to let the rest of my Matches back out of this.
This Omega is going to kick some ass. After she gets dicked down.
thirty-two
JESSE
I’ve done this to myself. I know. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. At the moment that Josie was completely vulnerable, I panicked. They all wanted to be Pack and bond, and I chose not to trust them instead of asking for boundaries. Thinking back, I’m not even sure if I tried or not. If I had tried, I know the words would have gotten stuck in my throat.
New people take me a long time to work up to, and as quickly as Josie and I have clicked, it’s not the same with the guys. Regret sits heavily in my stomach, but the anti-social part of me is relieved we made it out. We didn’t have to have any awkward conversations, the guys didn’t have time to give me odd looks, and I would look like a fool in front of Josie.
No, you just looked like a jackass instead.
My inner critic gets a mental middle finger from me. It’s annoying when my inner critic is right, especially when I don’t want to face my problems. So, I have been doing what I do best: burying myself in work. Today, I surface fully, realizing that I’ve been operating in a haze. I know I’ve gotten up and eaten, taken care of myself, but I haven’t really registered my surroundings.
My coffee is cold, it probably has been for a while, so I head to the kitchen to pour in some that’s hot. When I get there, I findthat I’ve left the pot to sit, and the light is off. Fuck, now I gotta make more coffee. My problem with that is that Josie’s house is entirely too visible from my kitchen. The last thing I want is more reminders of my epic fuck up.
Seems like I’m a masochist, though, because as the coffee brews, I can’t help but stare out the window that faces her place. After zoning out, I hear the coffee maker beep, indicating that my life-saving fluid is ready for me. Grabbing my mug, I fill it with black coffee and inhale deeply. Second-best smell in the world.
As I turn to go back to my cave of work, I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Josie is leaving her apartment with Henry, who is holding a few of her bags. I’m rooted to the spot as I watch her nuzzle her nose into his chest while he holds her. I should be the one holding her. She should be here withme,not him. Fuck everything.
My eyes follow them to the car and watch as they climb in. I get a few glimpses of Josie’s face, her eyes red from tears and something weighing her down. Our eyes meet for a long beat, and I can see how beat down she really is. I did that, I contributed to that. She breaks contact and looks down at her lap before Henry pulls out of the driveway and takes her away.
Self-loathing creeps in to reside nicely with the guilt in my gut. I need to suck it up and figure out how to get past my social issues… later, I’ll do that later. Work is calling my name right now, so I go bury myself in code again, trying to figure out what needs fixing.
A couple of days later, my boss kicks me off my laptop at noon, threatening to take away all my access if I don’t comply. I may have been working 14-hour days the last few days, so maybe he has a point. I’ve landed myself on the couch, watching daytime judge shows. Some of the judges are badass, and I find myself hooked more than I want to admit. The problem withthis situation is that I can’t ignore my Alpha instincts. They’re loud and angry, making me more torn up inside than I was when I had work to focus on. Now I’m focused on keeping them contained, although my Alpha is not happy with that. There’s a demand to wallow in pain and go into a rut to fight out the aggression and disappointment over missing our Match’s first heat.
My phone rings next to me, and I look over, noting the time, surprised that so much of my day has gone by. Seeing her name on the phone sends a zip of anxiety through my body, but I can’t keep hiding. Not if I really want to be in Josie’s life, and I really do want to be. I watch the phone ring for another moment, picking it up at the last moment.
“Um, hi,” I answer, eloquent as ever.
“Hey Jesse,” her voice is soft and gentle, I wish I could listen to it all day.
I clear my throat, “What’s… what’s up?”
“I was hoping we could talk. Are you busy today?”
“No, day’s wide open. Anything you need,” I say, probably too eagerly.
“Okay, I’ll be over to your place in a little bit. See you soon.”
“Yeah, see you.”
She hangs up, and I find myself a little bit thrown. The conversation wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t comfortable either. Is she going to cut me out? Why would she bother doing that in person? Either way, I realize I’ve left a lot of trash lying around, so I make a point to quickly pick up what I can and toss it in the trash bin. At least then my place doesn’t look entirely like a slob lives here.
It only takes about ten minutes for the doorbell to ring. Quickly, I make my way to the door, opening it to see Josie standing there, waiting for me, and also glimpse Henry parkedin her driveway. He catches my eye and holds up a hand in greeting. I do the same and step back so Josie can come in.
“Make yourself at home,” I tell her, trying for casual.
She steps in with a small smile, but doesn’t sit down. Instead, she paces around the living room, noting my sparse decorations and furniture set up. With the door closed, I take a seat on one of the chairs and wait for her to start. Finally, Josie turns, her hands on her hips.
“What the actual fuck, Jesse?” she asks.
I stare at her wide-eyed, trying to think if I just did something wrong, or if she’s talking about her heat? Maybe something happened after? Shit, what did I do?
Josie paces, hands still on her hips, “I’mfuriouswith you. I don’t think I’ve been this mad in years. YEARS, Jesse!”
Hopefully, my choice to remain silent for the moment is a wise one, because I’m not sure I should interrupt her right now. Josie’s eyes nailed me in place for a moment, narrowed and accusing.
