Page 5 of Smoke
***
Ashley
My Little painfully flipped around in my heart as I packed our belongings into suitcases.
What about my toys?
“I’ve got them. All of your toys are in the pink suitcase, okay? All of your special items are already packed,” I promised her.
But we really love it here.
I knew we did, but I had gone almost my entire life feeling like I was never wanted. My existence disgusted my mother, inconvenienced my father, and almost caused Dawson’s dad to kill me. I refused to spend another day feeling like I was a bother to someone. I also refused to live with someone who acted like I owed them something for their help. Love didn’t have strings attached.
“I know, baby. It’s going to be okay, we’ll find someplace else that you love just as much.”
Where are we going to go?
“Back to Alabama, baby.”
No! She’ll find us.
My mother. Shewouldfind us. We’d never have any peace as long as we were there, but at least I still had a home there. I hadn’t sold my grandmother’s house yet, thankfully. I guess we could stay there until it sold, and use the money to buy a house somewhere away from my crazy drug- seeking mother. “I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”
“Ashley, can we talk?” Dawson asked, knocking on the frame of the open bedroom door. He sounded much less angry and much more unsure of himself. I was hoping he’d stay at work so I could leave without another confrontation.
“Don’t worry about it, Dawson. An Uber is coming in twenty minutes,” I said, not bothering to turn around.
I don’t want to leave.
My heart physically hurt. I’d worked so hard to keep my Little safe and I’d fucked it all up by chasing the dream of a family. How damn naive could I be?
“No, it’s not ending this way between us, Ashley. I fucked up, baby, and I’m so sorry. You don’t owe me anything. Ever. I’m sorry I made you feel like you do.”
Not bothering to answer, I kept packing. My heart and dreams were being torn to pieces and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“Ash, baby. We’re family…”
“Are we?” I asked, turning around to face him. “Because I’m pretty surefamilydoesn’t speak to each other the way you just spoke to me. I mean, I’ve never actually had one so I’m not sure, but I don’t think it speaks with disgust and ego.”
“Honey,” he said, stepping closer to me, “I fucked up. I was wrong in how I spoke to you and I’m so sorry I made you feel like I was disgusted with you. That wasn’t the emotion I was feeling at all.”
Swallowing my hurt, I asked, “Whatwereyou feeling?”
“Terror.”
“Terror?”
“Honey, you are the most important person in my life. The. Most. Important. I love you more than life and the thought of you getting hurt guts me. It makes me angry, and shaky, and scares me worse than any of the time I did in prison. Babygirl, I can’t lose you and when you do things that put yourself at risk… it just doesn’t sit well with me.”
“You were scared?”
“Ash, I was fucking terrified.”
I plopped down on the full bed in my room. “I thought you hated me.”
“Baby, no. Never,” he said, coming closer and kneeling in front of me. “It’s so dangerous for you to walk to Daddies Ink when you get off of work. I know Strickland is a safe town, but that doesn’t mean you are safe from injury. Anything could happen in the half-hour it takes you to walk to the shop, not to mention the effects the harsh sun could have on your skin. I’d never recover if anything happened to you, baby. For years, you’re all I’ve had to live for and I’m not sure I could live without you.”
His words brought fresh tears to my eyes. I hadn’t believed him at first when he’d told me he was worried about me walking. I just thought it was a nice thing he was saying. I’d been more worried about him having to leave work and get me at the drop of a hat. He was already doing so much for me. And he was right about my skin, since I’d been burned and because of all the skin grafts I’d received, my skin was extra sensitive to the sun… and, well, lots of other things too.
