one
Wandering fingers traced the neckline of my silk bodice. I half-heartedly pushed them away, but Deric pulled me closer in protest.
“Stop that, I have to go soon… I-I need to get ready,” I stammered as calloused hands continued to roam, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
He murmured in my ear, “You’re not presenting yourself until this evening—we still have time.” I felt his teeth against my throat as he nipped me playfully, before kissing his way to my mouth.
For a month now, we’d savored the rush of sneaking about. Currently, we were in an abandoned stall in the stables. His lips met mine and my resolve wavered. My body was desperate to go there, to feel his skin against mine, but I wouldn’t—couldn’t—allow it.
I groaned in self-pity as I shoved him off. “No, Deric. I came here to end this. Starting tonight, I’m a bargaining chip for the Crown. I can’t afford to be debauched by my stable hand.” I stepped away from him, fluffing my heavy skirts before smoothing them down.
“Marigold, please. Don’t do this. Fuck the Crown—run away with me. We can pave our own path. I’ll provide for you, keep you safe. Ipromiseto make it worth it…” His fingers brushed along my cheek, tucking golden strands behind my ear. “The only thing that separates us is a few layers of clothing and your title. We don’t need them.” His blue eyes pierced right through me as he waited for my answer, while I gathered the courage to break his heart.
“You know thatIdon’t care that you aren’t of noble birth,” I told him. “Society, on the other hand,does. The Queen, the advisors—they do. I’m only one person… there’s nothing I can do to change the rules of an entire empire. Of course, it’s tempting to shirk my responsibilities, to run away with you. But I can’t. Please don’t seek me out again.” I didn’t shy away from his gaze. He needed to understand that this was over. But his eyes… his smile… they had disarmed me. They always did.
I was a debutante, officially eligible for marriage as of this evening. There could be no more rocks thrown at my window.
Deric pulled his hand from my cheek like I’d burned him with my cold response. I hated hurting him, but a sterile slice was the kindest way to cut him. I lifted my chin and set my mouth into a thin, determined line.
“You live such a sheltered life,” he said. “You have no idea what lies beyond these castle walls—what you’re giving up by letting them mold you into what they want you to be. I could show you so much more—”
“I will miss this,” I interrupted. “And I’ll miss you. Please don’t beg for something that I can’t give you.” I looked at him with pleading eyes.Don’t make this harder than it already is.
“Very well. Enjoy your duty. I hope it keeps your bed warm.” His face was etched in pain, so I let the jab slide. I came closer to him, allowing him time to push me away, but he didn’t move as I clasped my arms around his neck.
I gave him one last kiss—a thank you for keeping my loneliness at bay… if only for a short time. It was sweet and tender, as he had been to me—always willing to take any scrap I gave him. He deserved more.
He didn’t see me break down as I flew back to my gilded cage. Once I was forced to marry, my wings would be permanently clipped, and the bittersweet memories of Deric—of what could've been—would fade until forgotten.
I stood at my window, peering down at the crowded courtyard below. I tried my best to push Deric from my mind, but a melancholy dread sat hard in the pit of my stomach. He represented all the things I’d never have: Freedom, choice, love. It made me wonder… what was the point of life, if I wasn’t allowed to live?
A kaleidoscope of colors danced to no particular beat, as people exited carriages, greeted each other, and made their way into Aurelius Castle.It was May 1st—the official start of social season. It was also the day that I, and other young women, would be displayed like prized pigs ripe for the butcher at the formal Debut. A day when aristocrats came from all over the country to court each other—to judge each other.
Thea, my lady’s maid, was tightening my corset while I watched the circus unfold below. I held my breath like a fat pony resisting the synch of the saddle as she pulled at the laces. A loud-trumpeting sound pierced the air as Royal blue peacocks performed their mating call on the straw-thatched roof of the stables, oblivious to the people below. They were too focused on announcing their presence to the peahens to be bothered with such trivial matters.
I noted the parallels between the heavily costumed noblemen and the birds that defied laws of survival, with their extravagant tail feathers and bright plumage. Impractical courtship rituals were not confined to one species, it seemed.
I’d been in those very stables earlier today, ending the only courtship I’d ever known. All said and done, it hadn’t added up to much; a few stolen kisses, whispered conversations while we laid in the haystacks, and empty promises we both knew we couldn’t keep. I’d wanted to give him all of me, but it was a risk I couldn’t afford to take. My body was not mine to give away. It belonged to the Crown and always would. The thought had me clenching my jaw in simmering frustration.
A sea of vivid textiles shimmered in the sunlight below: Pink silk, blue satin, yellow chiffon. I looked for other women wearing white, closely followed by their chaperones—the other debutantes. We would present ourselves to the Queen today in a ceremony that welcomed us into society.
Deric would be mucking out stalls, while I was ogled by men with moral fiber as weak as their chins. In Aurelius, being agentlemanhad nothing to do with gentility. I’d found that the crudest men were often the richest ones, born with so much privilege that they became aimless and cruel; as if acquiring wealth through lineage instead of labor had stunted their growth.
I was pulled out of my head when I realized Thea was talking to me. “M’lady, today is an important day for you. Society will be waiting for you to slip up. I know that parties have been difficult since your mother passed, but I have no doubt you’ll shine tonight…as long as you behave yourself.Don’t youdaredirty your gown before the Debut. Don’t go to the stables,don’t walk on any muddy trails, stay away from the lake—better yet, don’t even go outside.”
I held back a grin. We were a perfect pair; she enjoyed treating me like an unruly wildling, while I found endless joy in tormenting her.
She fastened my petticoat before I rushed over to my four-poster bed, where my debutante gown sat—sprawled out and freshly pressed. In a fit of impulsivity, I grabbed the dress and tossed it over my head, mussing my up-do and nearly getting tangled in the layers. I wasn’t in a hurry to get to the Ball, but rather was grasping for control, wherever I could find it.
Thea waved her arms frantically, clucking at me like a puffed-up hen. Silver curls frizzed out from under her frilly mobcap, as she put her hands on her hips and glared at me. “You! You have no appreciation for my time and effort!”
I stopped moving so she could get the rest of my ensemble on. A white satin dress hugged my hourglass figure before fanning out into a bell shape around my lower half. Between the ruffles, pearls, lace trim, and tulle, I looked like an overly frosted wedding cake.
“You look lovely, dear,” Thea insisted, eyes glistening. Deric would’ve laughed his ass off had he seen me.
I glanced in the mirror as she fixed my flattened curls. My hair was the shade of antique gold. If King Midas himself had touched my head as an infant, I would’ve believed it. I’d never seen the hair color on anyone else except my mother. It was my favorite feature, especially when it was free and wild with loose waves running down my back. Unfortunately, my tresses were currently being held captive in an elaborate, pinned-up coiffure that was so tight, my temples were throbbing.
Dark brown doe-eyes, thick black lashes, and a nose that gently curved down towards heart-shaped lips stared back at me as I took in my reflection. I frowned at the dusting of seasonal freckles that showed up in the warmer months, making me look younger than I was.
