“You do.Hang on, I’ll go get it,” she replies with certainty and Ellen shrugs, standing up to follow Olivia.But before Ellen can reach her, she proudly struts out of my bathroom holding my stupid fucking suction dildo.
Both Ellen and I freeze, and it feels like hours tick by as Olivia stands there holding my dildo, it jiggling around in her hand like a Jell-O cube on a plate, and I’m certain my face is bright red.
“Oh my god,” Ellen finally spits out, her voice a high pitch wail as she reaches for the dildo, but pulls back, realizing it’s in her best judgment not to touch it.
This is not fucking happening to me!
This right here is why I’m never having kids!
In all the commotion and me standing here like a complete moron doing nothing, Oscar walks up, assessing the situation.His eyes float over to his sister and the oversized dong she’s holding and as if to make my mortification even worse, he yells out, “Ewww, Olivia, that’s a penis!”
This causes her to literally toss it in the air and all four of us watch as my dildo flies across my kitchen, hitting the floor with a thud and coming to rest at my feet.
I quickly grab it, not knowing what the hell to even do with it at this point.I put it behind my back, my face feeling like it’s on fire, I have no idea how to respond.
“I’m so sorry,” I stutter out, closing my eyes tightly, far more embarrassed than I have ever been in my life and that’s saying a lot, because one time I actually peed my pants in the Taco Bell drive-thru when I was drunk.
“Nope,” Ellen instantly replies, shaking her head.“This is one hundred percent not your fault.Iam so sorry.”
“Why is everyone apologizing?”Olivia asks, a confused look on her face.“Was it a baguette or a penis?Why do you have it in your bathroom?”
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.Not that I have an explanation that would be plausible or acceptable to say in front of two ten-year-olds and my boss.
“We are going to go now,” Ellen juts in, saving me from having to explain what the fuck is happening right now.I don’t even know what’s happening right now.“Awesome job on the menu.And fudge me and my life, I’m so sorry.”
It’s hard not to smile at Ellen’s use of the word “fudge” in place of the word “fuck” and I nod, assuring her that everything is fine, even though we both know everything is not fine.
“We’ll talk more tomorrow,” Ellen adds and again I nod, at a loss for all words, even the word “goodbye” seems to be gone from my vocabulary.
She grabs both the kids, ushering them out the door and into the car.I watch from where I’m standing, my eyes on the window in my living room that looks out over the front of my house.And when I watch them pull away and drive off down the gravel road, I collapse on the floor, the fucking dildo still in my hands.I feel like I’m either going to puke or die of embarrassment.
I’m now sitting in the darkness of my house, the dildo on the coffee table in front of me, my legs folded up underneath me as I try to process what the fuck happened.My boss, her kids and I all had what I can only describe as a traumatic experience and something I will one day talk about with my therapist.I’m forever going to have dildo PTSD, and I can only imagine what is going to happen when Olivia and Oscar realize that I had a masturbation toy in my bathroom.Someday it is going to hit them, and I’ll be forever embedded in their memory as the lady with the dildo.
This is my life.
“Hey, babe,” Leo says, walking into the dark cottage and flipping on the light switch by the front door, sending the room into a blinding light, almost like a spotlight on the offending item that sits in front of me.“You okay?”he now asks when I don’t respond, and then adds, “Why is your dildo on the coffee table?”
“Leo,” I wail, burying my face in my hands as he sits down next to me.He wraps a comforting arm around me, not even knowing what is going on, he’s already soothing me.“Olivia found my dildo in the bathroom and oh my fucking god!”
I now throw my head back, looking up at the ceiling.I don’t know whether to start crying or start laughing.
“And Ellen was here going over menu items,” I continue to whine dramatically.“Leo, oh my fucking god, it was so fucking embarrassing!”I flop over to the side, my head falling into his lap.
And just when I think he’s going to say something to help appease my embarrassment, he bursts into an uncontrollable laughter.
“What are you laughing at?”I shriek, sitting up so I can look at him.“Did you not hear what I said?Ellen and the kids saw my dildo!The one you and I use in the shower!You realize I’m going to have to burn it now and there will be no more of you watching me get myself off and we are never having kids!”
I shove him as he continues laughing, reaching for the dildo, he’s now shaking it around just like Olivia did.
“This dildo has been a great source of entertainment,” he teases, poking me in the side with it.“We are never getting rid of it.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Leo
“Yes we fucking are!”Hannah shouts as she grabs the offending item from my hand and throws it dramatically across the room.
I watch as it sails through the air before hitting the wall with a thud and dropping to the floor.“Was that really necessary?”I ask, trying not to laugh, but failing.I have never seen Hannah like this, and it is hilarious.
