I hated that I ever put us in this position, and I never blamed Odette in her struggle—I wouldneverblame her for that. I listened as she cried over it again, as she screamed at me for the first time in seven years, her hands clenched into fists at our last session.
“Please don’t ask me how I feel right now,” she spat at me
“It might help if you…”
“Fine, fuck you, Murphy. Fuck you for putting us in this position in the first place. It’s the hardest part of my life, being so helplessly in love with someone who tossed me away, who tossed our family away. And now I have to sit here and explain to my daughter that she should forgive you because I did, but it’s a choice I make every day. I choose to forgive you and look past what happened. Every day, I make that choice and it’s not always the easiest; in fact, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. How can I ask my daughter to do that? What if she doesn’t want to? That’s her choice, and I refuse to take her choices away.”
I broke that day. I knew I’d pay for my mistakes for the rest of my life; I just never thought Odette would wake up every day bearing the weight of her choice like I did. We started to heal again after she let me have it. I realized there wasn’t anything I could do but be here, just like I always have been. Eventually, Lux saw through the hurt; she saw the love and devotion her mom and I raised her with, and she saw how much we loved each other. She saw how much we would always love each other, and she began to understand and forgive. Which led me to where Iwas right now, sitting with Lux during our weeklysilentdinner date that our therapist recommended and Odette adamantly agreed that maybe we would get further if we had one on one time, which led us to now, a year and a month since Lux had found out.
“I’m tired of hating you,” Lux finally whispered to me over her plate of spaghetti. It had been so long since I heard her string a full sentence my way.
“Baby girl…” I couldn’t help but choke on my words. Hearing her admit that she hated me felt like she was stabbing my already bleeding heart.
“I thought I’d ask you why, but the why doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“If it matters to you, then it matters, Lux.”
“I don’t think I want to know,” she whispered as tears streamed down her face. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and squeeze all my sorrys into her so she could carry them for the rest of her life. If there was anything she could take away from this, I wanted her to know howdamn sorryI was, even knowing it wouldn’t fix anything.
“Do you regret it?” she barely got the words out.
“Every day, with every breath I take.”
“I’m tired of hating you. It’s exhausting,” she said again, then went back to eating her spaghetti. And for the first time in a year, it felt like there might be light at the end of this tunnel.
“I’ll always be here for you kid, even if you don’t want me to be.”
Always.
Chapter 11
November 2030
Odette
Our house looked like the holidays had thrown up in it, with garland hanging from every available empty space. The outside of the house could win some sort of Hallmark movie award. Murphy had bribed Lennon to decorate the backyard and woodshop like Santa's Village and, in turn, Lennon begged Lux to help, because ‘Mom and Dad had apparently lost their minds.’
Last Christmas we were still in the thick of Lux forgiving her dad and doing our best to shield Lennon from the fall out, and this year we were spending our last Christmas with Lux still under our roof before she left for college. Imighthave gone a bit off the deep end to make up for last year and to give her a proper holiday break she could remember.
Murphy had spent this entire last year reaffirming the family unit to the point where Lennon had joked that he was going to run away to Wynn and Benji’s house or his grandparents because at least they weren’t suffocating his adolescence or whatever that meant.
“Mom, I think Dad has lost his mind. I mean really,reallylost it.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at Lennon’s complaining, only for it to be followed by Lux scolding him, “Let Dad be. Maybe he’s going senile in his old age; we all know he isn’t the best at decision making…”
“Lux.” I gave off a warning tone, even though she had admitted to me months ago she had forgiven him, she sometimes made these rude, off-handed comments because she was still just a teenager and wanted to push her luck.
“Just sayin…”
“Lennon, go find something else that needs tinsel, and leave me and Lux for a minute please.”
He groaned, “More tinsel? Mom, you can probably see our house from outer space.”
“Sounds perfect to me. Gotinselsomething. Now.”
Lux snickered at her brother’s retreating form.
“Sit, kid. Now.”