Page 19 of Acceptance
The words just tumbled out, but he means them. He’ll give it all up for her. Lex means more to him than that seat at the head of the table.
“You did that, baby. You earned it, but more than that, you deserve it. The last person who will ever ask you to give that up for them is me,” she says.
“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”
“I don’t feel like it much these days,” she says., and the raw emotion cuts him deep.
As much as he’d love to blame everything on her father and brother, he needs to know if he plays a part in this. “Is any part ofwhat you need to heal from because of me? Because of the things I’ve done?”
He’d cheated to push her away. Then he held what he did to her and what his mother did to his father against her until she had no choice but to leave him. And then he put himself in a position to make her believe he didn’t love her anymore, which is the worst thing he’s ever done in his entire life.
“I’ll never admit this to anyone else, but I have more insecurities than I let on. The scars from the past have taken their toll, but honestly, it’s nothing compared to the rest of it. I mean, you know what it was like for me growing up.”
That he did. He and Ky nearly killed her brother, Zane, when he destroyed her fifteenth birthday party. Just like he ruined her parents’ wedding a few weeks ago.
All her life, Zane told Lex she was a mistake. That she never should’ve been born. Worse than that, her father never did anything to stop him. VP felt too guilty for knocking up Emma after Zane’s mom died of cancer to hold Zane accountable. That guilt caused him to fail as a father to both of his children.
“After Zane ruined the wedding, I knew it was time to talk to someone. I held it together for the most part, but when VP acted shocked that Zane would do that, I could have killed him. He chooses to live in an alternate reality, and Zane’s one step below a saint in it.”
Colt tangles his fingers in Lex’s hair and nods. “If it helps, not a single person would have stopped you.”
It was meant to make her smile, but she doesn’t. She locks her gaze on that tattoo again and says, “When he downplayed how Zane destroyed any party Mom threw for me, it shattered something deep inside of me that was already broken. It was taped together haphazardly, but that’s the moment I knew he didn’t love me. Not like he does Zane, if at all.”
“Lex—”
“He makes me feel like I don’t matter, Colt. I’ve spent my entire life trying to make my brother and father love me, and I can’t do it anymore. Not without sacrificing myself. I have you and the kids to think about and take care of.”
The words stun him. Hearing her say she feels like she doesn’t matter steals his breath away. He can’t understand how she could ever feel like that because she’s so important to so many people. The most important to some of them, especially him.
Sniffling, she puffs out her cheeks and lets out a slow breath like a leaking balloon. “I talked to Dani that night, and she told me she and Dax finally had sex. That’s when I realized that there might be some merit to talking to a professional. It can help even the worst trauma.”
After the Summerville President thought his wife died over two years before they found her, Dax Hartman was ready to die. But when he saved her after learning she was alive, he realized she’d been through more than he’ll ever know. The best way Colt can describe it is that she was damaged.
Finding in her in that basement was one of the most heartbreaking things Colt’s ever seen. Dani asked if they were there to kill her, and there were scars on her wrists to show where she’d tried to take matters into her own hands to end the torture. To say it was rough for Dax getting his wife back and having her so different is an understatement.
“Can I ask what you talk about with your doctor?” Colt asks.
“Everything I can. Obviously, I don’t share club related things other than the overall dynamic. It makes more sense when I talk about my dad and Zane so she understands how the club used to be.”
He licks his lips. “Do you talk about… me? Us?”
“I have. I shared our whole story, minus the whole dismembering the Devils member in the bathtub thing. She made me realize how much everything from my past and presentties together. How my childhood affected our marriage without me knowing it.”
“How so?”
“I have this deep-rooted fear of always being second best. That my feelings aren’t okay and valid. There’s a lot of doubt I have about myself that I didn’t realize but makes sense in the way I’d react to things.”
Taking a deep breath, he whispers, “So, you feel that way with me? Scared of being second best?”
She swallows and looks into his eyes. “Sometimes, yeah.”
“I make you feel that way?”
“It all circles back to the past. Sleeping with Eva. And then the whole Diane thing. Not really dealing with everything makes it come up when I least expect it to.”
Now he feels like total dog shit. When he spiraled after losing Casey in Black Valley because he was younger than his little brother should have been if he was still alive, he didn’t want to bring it home. He knows it was wrong to let a club bunny flirt with him, but he kind of liked the attention. They had a baby at home, and Calla came before he did, as she should.
Worse, though, Colt drunkenly shared things he never should have with Diane. He didn’t mean to, and he certainly had no idea she was planning to use it to taunt Lex behind his back.
