Page 86 of Mask and the Magnolia
Blowing out a breath, I turn so I’m facing him even if I’m not looking at him, trying like hell to keep myself still when I’m full of nervous energy. I can feel him looking at me, I can see it outof my peripheral vision. Watching. Waiting. Plotting when the moment is right.
I will crumble if Korvin confirms he’s upset with me. I’ll fall apart and I have no idea what’ll happen after that.
“You’ve never been in love, have you?”
My head jerks up and my eyes go wide before I frown in confusion. I’m even more lost than I was before.
“Not even had a crush or anything since you’ve been in here?”
“No…”Considering everyone I’ve come into contact with before him has wanted to kick my ass or do something far worse to it, there wasn’t a lot of room for crushing on anyone.
Survival mode kind of gets in the way of that.
Korvin nods and leans against the wall next to me. “I hadn’t either, not before I came here. When it hits, you don’t really have a choice. It’s pack up or be miserable. But.” He sighs, rubbing a hand over his chest before he scratches his chin. “It’s a complicated thing, a complex emotion I’m really not programmed to handle. Being in this environment probably makes it worse.”
That kind of makes sense. Again, I’m not the smartest person in the room at any given time, might even be the stupidest all the time, but I can sort of see what he’s saying.
“It’s hard when you can’t be with the people you love the way you want to, especially when they’re right in front of you.”
Oh no.
Oh god, now I get it.
Korvin’s been mad because I failed.
The other day, when he and Des asked me to keep an eye out so they could talk to their omegas. I thought they were going to mate, that they were going to pack up like he said but they must not have. They didn’t get the chance and it’s all my fault.
Now he’s angry with me because of that but I’m so dumb he feels like he has to break it down in a way he thinks I’ll understand.
But I do.
“I understand,” I say, my voice small, almost as if it’s stuck in my throat. “I get it.”
“Do you?”
I nod. “I fucked it up for you. You’re saying that it’s my fault you can’t be with them, my fault you didn’t get to”—I chew my lip and look away—“there wasn’t any packing up and now you’re miserable. And it’s because of me.”
“Calix—“
“I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll keep to myself, I’ll stay out of your way. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin everything.”
“Calix, listen to?—“
“So stupid.” I lift my hands to my hair and dig my fingers in, pulling at the roots then I ball them into fists but before I can punish myself the way I deserve, Korvin stops me.
“Take a breath,” he says as he gently pulls my hands down to my sides. “Take a couple then listen.”
I do what he says even though I don’t want to. I don’t deserve that. His kindness in the wake of my idiocy.
“You good?” I nod as he lets go of my wrists. “That’s not even remotely close to what I was trying to say, Calix. How did you come to that conclusion?”
I just shrug.
He knows I’m dumb, I don’t need to spell it out for him.
“I just meant that someone like me, with my kind of temperament and flaws, I don’t handle my feelings well. It’s even worse when I don’t get what I want.” I open my mouth to start taking the blame again but I almost choke on the words when he cups my cheeks and forces me to look at him. “I turn into an asshole when that happens.”
“Okay…”
