I angrily swipe at my tears. “And I know they say a victim of assault can’t control their body’s response, and definitely shouldn’t be blamed for it, so you don’t have to tell me that. I know it, I believe it, and I will stand by it for anyone who’s ever been in that situation.” My chest starts to heave as I realize I’m struggling to catch my breath. “My therapist has said it countless times, told me that it’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of, that I shouldn’t bury either part of who I am—a survivor, and someone who enjoys that—but it doesn’t matter because in my head, it’s wrong. I haven’t even had sex since I got out because I want that, but I feel like I shouldn’t be turned on by something like that, not after it was forced on me more times than… than…”
Pete immediately reaches forward and pulls me back down on the couch next to him, rubbing my back in soothing circles as he leans me forward so I don’t hyperventilate. “Breathe, sweetheart. In through your nose, out through your mouth, nice and slow.”
I do what he says, regulating myself to the best of my ability as I whisper, “It feels dirty to like something when I never had a say, and never had a chance to figure it out with someone I care about.”
“Norm…” Pete sighs, wrapping me in his arms and pulling me against him as I finally calm down. “I’m sorry, sweet boy.”
I shake my head as I hug him back. “You don’t have to apologize. It wasn’t your fault, just like it wasn’t mine. I know these things, I just… I can’t help but wish they’d happened differently, that’s all. If they had, then maybe I’d feel differently. ”
We sit like that for a while, cuddled up on the hideous couch, Pete gently playing with my hair as he softly hums. I close my eyes while I listen to it, calming down completely, relaxing into him and realizing I feel a little lighter after that.
I don’t think it’s something I’m going to run around telling everyone, but it did feel ok saying the words out loud.
“Norman?” Pete asks after a while.
“Yeah?”
“I have another question for you, and I need to make sure you know I’m genuinely asking because it’s important to me to know, and no other reason.”
“Okay…” I open my eyes and sit up, pulling back a little to look at Pete.
He gives me a small smile as he lifts a hand and pushes my long unruly hair out of my eyes. “If you had control, if you were able to go back and do things differently, how would you have done them?”
My eyes widen and my cheeks get hot but I don’t look away, not when I can see the sincerity in those honey colored eyes. “Uhm… I don’t know.”
“You know, you just don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
I chuckle and shrug one shoulder. “Maybe.”
“I really want to know, Norm. It’s important.”
“Well…” I take a deep breath and decide what the hell, I have nothing to lose by telling him this. “I would have wanted to be with someone I care about, someone I know cares about me and makes me feel safe.” Pete nods as he listens, pushing my hair behind my ear slowly. “I’d want it to have been, I guess I’d want some intimacy. Not necessarily romantic or anything, I’m not super into that, but I don’t think I’d want it to be a one night stand or anything.”
Pete smiles. “Someone you’d actually kiss.”
My face flames but I nod because I don’t kiss anyone unless I’m in a relationship with them. And groupies were a huge no when it came to that, it felt too intimate to share with someone I’d never see again.
“Have you thought about who that person is?”
Oh boy.
I’m not one hundred percent positive, but I think Peter is flirting with me? In his way, kind of? Or maybe he’s just really curious all of the sudden. I don’t fucking know but it’snothelping my very confusing feelings about him or the other guys to have him ask that while he’s being tender with me. This is not normal Pete, and it’s making me think he’s thewhohe wants me to admit to fantasizing about.
Him, Lucky. Mark. Hell, I woke up the other night coming all over myself because I dreamt about Leonor pegging me. And it’s because I love all of them, they make me feel safe and cared for, and as shit has gotten more confusing, it’s spiraled from there.
“Norman?” I blink a few times when I realize Pete was still talking to me, my breathing picking up again for a very different reason.
“Yeah?”
“I said, as long as you give me consent, I’d like to be the one who changes things for you.”
“What?”What the hell did he just say?“I missed something.”
Pete chuckles as his hand slides down my neck. “You didn’t, not really since I said it again, but I’ll recap. If you want to and give me full consent, I would like to erase those negative feelings and thoughts about what you find pleasurable. I want to help you take back your sexual identity and control because I love you, you’re safe with me, and I want you to be able to explore what you like and don’t like on your terms.”
My eyes instantly well with tears as I search his face, my heart breaking but in the best possible way. I had no idea how badly I needed that, not just from anyone either, I needed it from the people I care for most. The people I really do love.
“Ok,” I whisper as a few tears roll down my face even though I’m smiling.
