He stands and makes his way toward the stairs but stops just before he heads down. Lucky turns those stormy eyes my way and nails me straight in the chest with a wave of intensity that scares the shit out of me.
But I nod and drop my stare to the floor, hugging myself into breathlessness in order to make the fear go away.
I don’t ever want to talk about anything from that night.
Especially with any of the men who could have died just because they loved me.
7
LUCKY
The five of us are back together.
I was honestly starting to doubt my confidence in this ever happening again. Something that was easy to do if I allowed it, considering we haven’t been in the same vicinity in far too long. Those doubts could have become very real and that’s exactly why I never entertained them.
Thank God for blind hope.
While I waited in Leo’s room for her to finish crying in the shower—something she is notorious for—the guys got to work on the rest of her place.
After hooking it up, Pete found a channel on TV playing nothing but black and white horror flicks, Mark threw in another one fifty on top of what he found in Leo’s dishwasher—something I’ll definitely need to ask her about—then ordered a fucking feast from one of our favorite places. Norm got her furniture up to snuff, set things up the way they used to be and by the time Leo came downstairs, we were all waiting with plates at the ready.
Each of us made sure to watch our girl eat at least a few bites every now and then because seeing her like this, it’s scary. Leois still just as beautiful as the day we met her, but she’s wearing her trauma in an unhealthy way, and that isn’t like her. Which is something else we need to discuss.
Leo used to eat her feelings, binge on nothing but chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, double fudge brownies and soft baked peanut butter cookies. The only reason she never got to be four hundred pounds or diabetic was the fact that she also religiously ran at least five miles a day, loved to cook relatively healthy comfort foods, and drank nothing but black coffee, water and the occasional tea. Not counting the nights we’d convince her to get drunk with us. So, for her to be quite a bit thinner than I’m used to is a surprise.
She’s never dealt with her feelings well; she always saw them as a weakness and said it stems back to the way she grew up. Leo never elaborated on that and never shared stories from her childhood, but we know she was in foster care, and I’ve always suspected she went through some serious shit. Despite that, she has never once hesitated to tell us how she felt, she just had a really hard time showing it.
Glancing around the now darkened living room, I have to laugh. Mark is passed out on a recliner cradling an empty takeout container against his thick build, the button of his jeans undone to give his stomach some breathing room whileThe Birdsflickers off his nearly bald dome. Pete and Norm are cuddled up on the couch, snoring and sharing a big fuzzy throw, Norm’s fading tan and lankier frame snuggled against Pete’s ebony muscles, the two of them close enough to share air.
Smiling to myself, I shift my gaze to the floor where Leo was camped out, but she isn’t there. I look around, my eyes struggling to adjust from the glow of the TV to the pitch black of her apartment until I see her on the balcony, a cloud of smoke leaving her lips, her alabaster complexion giving off an almost iridescent glow in the streetlight.
I didn’t notice her get up, didn’t even realize she snuck out there and honestly, that’s probably how she wanted it. I know she doesn’t want to have the talk we all need to, and I won’t force it, but at some point we have to in order to move forward. That is, if Leo evenwantsto move forward at all, let alone with us.
Snatching my cigarettes from the coffee table, I silently pad my way to the balcony and push open the French doors. I not-so-quietly settle onto one of the iron benches against the brick, light up then watch as a small smile curves Leo’s full lips.
“Still smoking that potpourri, I see.”
“Some things never change, cakes.” I inhale deep and follow her line of sight, Leo staring down into the street at a car parked across the way. I hit my cigarette hard and let the cool brick soothe my skin, giving it a little relief from the stagnant summer heat. “We were really something, weren’t we, Leo.”
Not a question, and I can see that her whole body relaxes slightly, which means she was definitely waiting for me to push the heavy shit right now. Instead, I’m going to make her remember the good.
“We were more than something. We wereeverything.”
I laugh, and she smiles at the sound.
Leo always said I had a great laugh, said it was one of her favorite sounds, and she loved it when usboyswould get going because it was so contagious.
I hope she remembers that, too.
She flicks her cigarette over the railing then joins me on the bench, my six-foot-six dwarfing her even while we sit.She always liked that too.
“We really were. We were fucking everything. No one could do what we could. What wecan do.”I glance at her but only for a second, I don’t want her to see the pain I know is in my eyes. I can’t help that though, not when everything about our time apart gutted me. “It wouldn’t take much to get it back. It’s not likeyour talent,ourtalent, fizzled out and disappeared. All you have to do is let us back in, all the way. You know how it works. You know?—"
“I’m just not ready yet,” Leo says as she looks away even though I’m not really looking at her.
I want to ask if she’s ever going to be ready, if she’ll ever fully let us back in, but I know that would only start shit so I sigh and lean my head against the brick.
“Do you remember our first gig? We practically had to talk you off a ledge, you were so fucking nervous.” We both chuckle a little at the not-so-far-fetched comparison. “Mark had to block the back door and every time we thought you were good, you tried to bolt.” I nudge her elbow, trying to pick a fight like I used to. “I never understood how someone who was made for music, who had it practically embedded in their DNA, could be such a chicken shit.”
