If I’ve learned anything after thirty four years of bullshit it’s that the bullshit is going to happen no matter what else is going on. Everything that took place almost four years ago, what went down nearly six months ago, hell, the way I wandered through life before I met my soulmates, all of it was going to happen no matter what I did and it was never within anyone’s control.
All I can do is love my boys with everything I am, be the best daughter to Justine I can be, play fucking beautiful music, andrefuse to let the bullshit and trauma keep me from doing any of that ever again.
And I need my beautiful friend, my gentle giant on the same page or this isn’t going to work.
Because the trauma isn’t going away.
My experiences, the shit I waded through every goddamn day, the various ways it fucked me up? None of that is going away but it’s up to me to decide how I allow it to affect my life moving forward. It doesn’t change the way it hurts or the impact it’s made on me, but I can change the end result.
And I’m fucking determined to do that.
Getting Lucky on board with it has been the challenging part but he’s coming around.
It helps to have the other guys in my corner on this, too. Not that we’re ganging up on Lucius or blowing off his feelings. Far from it actually because the things I’m doing to try to take my life back, he’s been an active participant in every step of the way.
Hence this impromptu trip into town he unknowingly coordinated.
I mentioned that we were getting low on mouthwash and bleach, Pete mumbled about how he was starving—he’s not—because we don’t have any food—we do—and all of the sudden Lucius was pushing all of us into the elevator.
Going everywhere as a unit wasn’t exactly my plan but it happened today and while Mark is a few doors down putting in another grocery order, and Pete and Norm are across the street getting more bedding and stuff to make my gentle giant feel more at home in the hotel, Lucky and I have been waiting patiently at the hardware store to order another pallet of the bleach he likes. All totally normal things we used to do that I absolutely took for granted before and appreciate so much more now.
Even if I’m practically crawling out of my skin just to get out of this super crowded store.
They’re slammed today for whatever reason, and I’ve been struggling to stay inside because of it. I’m trying but I’m about one more elbow to the ribs away from going ape shit. Which might be amplified right now all considering, but is also normal because I’ve never enjoyed shopping or crowds.
“I need some air, Lucky.” I softly toy with the short hair at the nape of his neck. “If someone else bumps into me I’m going to snap.”
He lifts his head and looks around, those stormy eyes scanning the throngs of people looking at tools and industrial cleaning supplies before they connect with mine. “Leonor, I don’t?—”
“There’s an AirTag in my boot.”
His full lips immediately tip up into a small smile, his beautiful scar tugging ever so slightly. “That was a great idea.”
I nod and smile back.
It really was, it was Mark’s way of pacifying Lucky’s justified need to mother and smother me while allowing me to move a little more freely if I was inclined to do so.
Which I am right now and having a way for Lucky to not only track me but essentially set off an alarm in order to find me has helped immensely. It’s how we got this far today and I know as soon as the package from Apple arrives, Lucius will have an AirTag in every single pair of shoes I own as well as attached to my backpack, wallet and keys, and anything else I might walk away from him with.
It’s been a nice addition to the increase in his therapy so we’ve seen some real progress with this man, just not enough for me to stop worrying so much about him.
Or for him to stop worrying so much about me.
All valid but we drive each other nuts on a good day so you throw that in and who knows what could happen.
“I need to go outside for a minute, maybe pace the sidewalk out front, breathe some air andnotbe touched by anyone I’m not head over heels for.”
With a sigh, Lucky holds me tighter and presses his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry I’ve been so unbearable, cakes.”
“You haven’t.” I move my hands to his cheeks and make sure he’s looking me in the eye. “You haven’t been. Your feelings are valid, all except the guilt, and I understand why you’ve been extra cautious. I’m not going anywhere crazy, my love, just outside for a few minutes so I don’t go postal in one of your favorite places.”
“I get it.” Lucky cracks another smile before leaning down to kiss me. “Postal Leo is scary as fuck.”
“Damn straight.”
“I really am sorry, baby cakes.”
I hug my sweet giant again, squeezing him as hard as I can. “You don’t have to be, not for loving me the way you do. Because that’s what this is.”
