Leo and I cuddling in bed is normal, we all do it, this is different, though.
Because I’ve never cuddled Leonor or anyone else in the band while I was naked from the waist down, and she’s never been stuck to me the way she is right now without any clothes on, either.
It’s happening, though.
That’s exactly how we’re laying and it makes me a huge fucking sappy asshole for thinking like this, it’s just hard not to. Not when I genuinely believed that someone like Leonor Allan could never be attracted to a dude like me let alone fall in love with one.
She did, though.
She reassured me over and over, too, because I still thought she had sex with me out of pity or some other fucked upemotion. Leo also said that she gave up meaningless sex a long time ago so anybangingshe does now is as meaningful as it gets because it’s us.
Us.
Thatis what I’m afraid of.
Not because I think anything the four of them are doing or the five of us will be doing is wrong, I never once thought that, and I’m not really afraid of how whatever it is the five of us will be doing is a much bigger commitment than I originally thought it could be. No, I’m afraid of the same shit I was with Leonor, times three, because feelings and sexuality and all that shit comes a lot easier for Lucky and them than it does for me.
Eh, maybe not Pete.
Maybe.
But I never thought I had feelings for those guys, not really, and that’s because I ignored anything that could have been called that the same way I did with the ones I had for Leonor.
The three of them are real good looking, I’ve always known that, always thought so since we were kids but it stopped there because I wouldn’t let it go further.
Now, though?
With my girl wrapped around me, smelling like sex, her professions of love lingering just as strongly in the air?
It changes things.
It allows for things to change because she loves them, I love them, and I know they love me, it’s just a matter of exploring that love to see where it goes, I guess.
I’m not against it, not really. I’ve never been with a guy before, never even kissed one unless you count the times Leo dared us when we were hammered and since I only recall that from the photo documentation and nothing more, they don’t count.
I’m not as adventurous as Lucky or even Pete, definitely not Leo, but I’ve always been curious and open to trying new things.
There just wasn’t anyone I wanted to try shit with.
Which is more my own fault than anyone else because I’m insecure as fuck about my body. Especially with dudes like Pete and Luck around. I work out with them, we all did it together for a long time, and I can bench more than either of them can but I don’t have abs, I’ve never been able toget shreddedor whatever and that can make you think.
It made me think, anyway.
Sure, I could pull hoards of groupies just like the rest of them but that was more from my sense of humor than anything else. I was never the girl’s first choice and that was fine with me because it didn’t really matter.
I’m the fat guy and I accepted that a long fucking time ago.
Which is why I never thought Leo would want to be with someone like me.
And now it’s why I’m afraid the guys aren’t going to be as open to bringing me into their relationship as I secretly hope they are.
I guess I’m more nervous than scared, worried about rejection and disgust, concerned it’ll change the dynamics of the band. I don’t want to lose my best friends over this. I’m also not a huge fan of getting my heart broken over shit I haven’t even tried yet.
The seeds are there, tiny little roots dug deep, and I’m ready to explore whatever it is I could have with the guys that goes beyond what we have now.
I just hope they are too or else this could really turn into a fucking nightmare.
With how things have been going lately, all the shit Leonor has been dealing with, the last thing we need is for me to getbutthurt because one of my best friends since middle school won’t let me stick my dick in, well, their butt.
