“I have a pretty good idea, which is why I’m apologizing. So, unless I started having audio and visual hallucinations again and none of that actually happened, I’m in an incredible amount of shit.”
She smiles through her tears. “Oh, Leonor, my sweet child. I don’t care about that. Don’t you see what just happened? Youfelt something. Don’t you see? You got mad! You got downright furious! And you were sarcastic and snotty. You were even disrespectful.”
Is she seriously smiling right now?
“I don’t understand. I could have completely destroyed everything that you have worked your whole life for… and you’rehappy?”
Then her words start to sink in.
Justine is right. I felt things.
I felt something other than empty or broken, something other than panic or fear. I felt defensive in a way other thanfight or flight.
I had more rage toward Alexander Collinsworth than I’ve spent on the full emotional spectrum in the last three years. I was even protective of Justine and Pierre. And she may not know it, but I also felt some weird feeling of doom surge through me, a warning, a sense of Deja vu while I was ripping into that charismatic douche bag.
I’m fuckingdumbfounded.
Justine lights my cigarette for me and hands it over. “You really should give that up.”
I shrug and take a long drag, still not entirely sure what I should be saying right now.
“Pierre will handle Mr. Collinsworth, everything will be fine. And I’m sure he’ll get your job back; I mean you weren’t even technically fired but I know Pierre will smooth things out.”
“I don’t want my job back,” I spit out so quickly I don’t have time to think. I’m still pissed and the last thing I want is anyone begging on my behalf, or to let that dickhead think he won.
Justine smiles but it’s a little more fearful this time.
“I don’t mean it like that, I need to work, need to dosomething, I just don’t thinkthisis what I should be doing.”
Her smile becomes genuine as she sighs in relief. “Well, we can agree on that. You know exactly what you should be doing but until you’re ready to do that, you need to do this.” Justine hugs me tightly, allowing me to really breathe in her sweet smellof jasmine and lavender for the first time in a long time. “I love you, my sweet Leonor.”
“Moi aussi.”Me too.And I mean that.
Justine watches me get in my car and drive away, waving from the carriage house until I’m no longer able to see her in my rear view while knowing in my gut she’s still there.
I appreciate her, so much more than she’ll ever know, but goddamn, I am mad.
All I want to do is go home and break things.
And I’m only pissing myself off more as I keep replaying what that bastard said. The way he made me feel so small, so insignificant.
The way my stomach twisted when my predator radar went off like a fucking fire alarm.
That guy really fucking sucks.
Bastard.
4
LEONOR
God, why can’t I just shut the fuck up?
I’ve been arguing with myself the whole drive home, debating on whether or not I should turn around and go at it with Collinsworth again, or keep trying to quiet the violence that’s building inside my head.
Instead, I pull into my parking spot all the way at the top of the parking structure, my car still hidden from the outside world despite the way my own walls are cracking.
Or maybeI’mfinally cracking in general.
