No, there is an entirely different reason watching love like theirs makes me uncomfortable, makes me a touch sad, and creates a deep loneliness I can't explain to or share with anyone.
A reason they think they know but don’t. They don't actually have a clue about the truth behind it.
"Alpha Rivers said the whole pack will be in attendance tonight.” My father's blue eyes flick to mine and he smirks as my mother starts fixing his tie. "All the unmated wolves.” Then he winks at me. "Male andfemalealike."
Andanotherfucking eye roll. I swear to gods they’re going to fall out of my head. "I'm going to finish getting ready."
I push off the doorframe and head to my room, the one I'm currently sharing with my baby sister because all we could manage to find when we got here was a tiny two bedroom cabin Alpha Rivers kindly let us move into.
With a frustrated sigh, I check myself in the mirror, irritated that I'm even bothering because it's pointless, but I have to at least make my parents believe I'm trying. Not too hard though, since I don't plan to shave or do anything with my hair except tie it back with a leather strap. I don't plan to wear my coat either, I’ll just throw my vest over my shirt and maybe put on a tie.
I should probably put on a tie.
Mama will kick my ass if I don’t, and despite the fact that this isn't our born-of pack—it’s not even one close to where we come from and is actually the sixth one we've been a part of between West Virginia and North Dakota over the last thirty years—I still want to honormyAlpha and Luna. I still want to give my parents the respect and devotion they deserve from their only son who also happens to be the proverbialheir apparent, and I’ll make sure they can make a good impression on the Lunar King pack and its Alpha. Despite how fucking useless it is.
I adjust my tie once it's on then fix my ass length hair and snort to myself,Gods, this is just a terrible fucking idea.
Everyone is going to end up disappointed. Sad. Fearful.
This can't really play out any other way.
Once it happens again, once I ruin another potential pack, another secure and much longed-for home, my parents and my sister will definitely feel those things and probably more, and maybe I'll finally be able to convince them it's best if I just go Rogue.
With a frustrated grunt I stomp out of the bedroom, duck out the back door, and make my way toward the river.
I need to breathe.
I need to shift, need to run, but not with the pack the way my parents intend to tonight. No, I don't need to commune with yet another pack and risk having my shift turn fatal again, risk not knowing which wolf I'll become or which beast the Alpha will call forth, and just hope for the fucking best.
It's too dangerous. Something my parents know but continue to live in blissful ignorance about.
Maybe not ignorance so much asblind hope.
They continue to hope that the right Alpha will call forth my wolf, the one I was born with, and continue toonlycall upon that one so we can have some sort of happily ever after.
It doesn't work that way though, which is something else they know. Something else they've seen five times before, something they think they understand but don't, not really. Marigold does though, and that fact alone is why she needs to stop pushing for me to attend this kind of shit, and stop fighting and crying over my insistence that going Rogue would be best. My sister knows better than anyone thewhyandhowof my overall anti-charming attitude—it's her fucking fault, after all.
I stop abruptly at that thought and shake it from my head.
Mary may be the cause of my issues but I don't actually blame her, not really. I made the choice, I made the sacrifice on her behalf, and I'd do it a thousand times over if it spared her all the things I have to go through because of it.
She was just a girl, still so young, barely a year or two out from her first shift and Mary didn't know, had no idea what would happen when she made that deal all those years ago. A naive young girl with too much spirit and not enough smarts at the time. I can't blame Mary for her actions when she didn't have any real knowledge of demons back then.
Or when I didn’t get to her fast enough to stop them.
I slow my pace at the water’s edge, closing my eyes and taking a deep, calming breath with the toes of my boots barely touching the gently moving waves.
Gods, I need to shift so badly; need to let my wolf out so he can run.
It's been far too long since he's been able to do that, sincewe’vebeen able to do what we were born to do because I can't risk theothergetting out.
Let me run, Agatanahi Waya.
Frowning, I shake my head at the way my wolf insists on using my given name.I cannot and you know why.
He is dormant. Buried. Let me run.
You know how quickly that can change.
