Page 19 of His Curse
The fact that he knows when I have a nightmare is one thing but the fact that he can tell them apart now is something else entirely.
Sometimes I wonder if The Maker was having an off day and not only created a mate for each of us, but wound up double dipping, somehow making Zan and I a fucked up version of mates for each other, too.
Or maybe it really is just the evil that links us. Maybe it's being touched by something so horrible, so saturated in darkness that has us connected the way it does.
Whatever it is, I find it both unsettling and reassuring. Comforting, even.
How fucked up is that?
But it’s why I ask, "How do you know this one was different?"
"It felt different. Felt real.” Zan starts folding my grandmother’s blanket the same way Frankie folds everything; meticulously, precisely, and into a tiny little square. "It felt current, as though you were experiencing someone else's living nightmare."
Well, he hit the nail right on the head with that shit.
"Your other is a memory, yes? A memory of events that actually took place?"
I nod, my brows lifting even though I shouldn’t be surprised by anything this idiot says anymore. "One day I'm going to have Henrich crack open your skull and figure out how your demented mind works."
Zan just grins. "That, my dear wolf, givesmind fuckinga whole new meaning."
"Idiot."
"Start with your memory.” He ignores my insult and leans back into the wall with the blanket in his arms. "I feel that is sequential."
"It is, but I really don't want to get into it."
"Then I shall get into it for you.” Zan studies my face, looking it over carefully before he nods. "You have expressed to me that you were cursed by a demon, one I believe I knew—Alorygai the Damned who no longer breathes—and you accepted that curse on behalf of someone else. This is where theothercomes from, where he wasborn, and he is why you have been a lone wolf for so many years. Yet your wolf, the oneyouwere born with, has prevented you from straying too far and stopped you from going Rogue each time you try.”
"All things you already know.” I motion for him to continue as I push my hair back again. "But go on..."
"When I was struggling with my feelings for my darling girl, you indicated you had experienced the rejection of a mate, had done so yourself at one point in your life, and I've come to the conclusion that was because of your curse. You chose to reject your mate because of it, and tried to spare her what you viewed as a lifetime of pain."
Man, it is so fucking weird that he's putting this all together based on very little information, but I just keep listening and wait to see exactly how connected I might be to the demon.
"She did not accept your rejection though, did she?"
I shake my head.Fucking weird.
"Since she did not accept it, it was still crushing but not in the same way, not enough to kill you... it merely stunted you because your mate does in fact love you."
"Did,” I whisper. "She did love me, loved me instantly, but I can't say she still feels that way."
"Why?" Zan lowers himself to the floor, his eyes trained on me as he holds his hand out for a smoke. "Even without mating you would feel the break in your bond if she died, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you did not feel that, did you?"
I shake my head and give him a Camel. "I didn’t, but it's been a long time, and the last time I saw her, the only time I saw her, I..." I swallow hard then light up again. "I shifted to theother."
"I see.” He inhales, holding the smoke in his lungs as he speaks through his smoke rings. "You think you did not feel the break, do not feel it now, because you were theotherwhen she died? Or you think you do not feel it because you have him at all and believe he is the reason your bond lays slightly dormant?"
"Maybe both. ”With a defeated shrug, I decide I might as well open up to someone about this shit, and why not the demon who’s putting it all together on his own. "I don't actually remember what happens when theothertakes over, not then, but not ever. It always comes to me in dreams after the fact. Up until a certain point I see through his eyes, see as if I were him but I'm not him. It's like my wolf and I have front row seats to his fucked up show, but I always hit a point where it's almost like I black out. I see everything right up until..." I shake my head. This is too fucking hard to talk about.
"Right up until theotherdoes the most damage."
I nod. "When he's done, when I shift back, I have no consciousness, no memory of what happened. I generally wake up naked, covered in blood, alone in the woods somewhere. Sometimes there's...piecesleftover that he took with him, other times I wake up at the scene itself.”
"But that's rare?" Zan asks. "Typically theotherretreats, yes?"
"Yeah. That's only happened once or twice. When theotheris in control it's almost like-like I'm stuck on autopilot until I crash and I barely have any memory of driving at all once he finishes his hit and run."
