Page 109 of Insidious Heart
“First, I feel like I need to clarify that the cuts on my arm aren’t from anyone but me.” She nods as I hold my breath, waiting for a scolding that never comes. Not that Ember has any reason to give me shit over it, but I’m sure most people frown on self-harm as a way to cope. But she says nothing so I continue. “The bruises on my throat aren’t all from the same incident, either. I was attacked at work a few nights ago, I guess. I called a rather angry coworker out on his negligence after a resident died and he didn’t like it very much. Thankfully Linnie and her boss stopped him before he could do anymore damage.”
“Does thisangry coworkerhave a name?” Ember scowls. “I know some people that might want to meet him.”
I shake my head with a small smile. “Victor already tried getting a name and I wound up lying to him about what really happened because he also wanted tomeethim. The guy is a dickhead but he doesn’t deserve to die for it.” I don’t think so, anyway. It’s hard to say for sure when it comes to Chris but I doubt he needs to be punished in the form of The Harvester of Bones or motorcycle club justice.Probably. “Everything else though…” I take a deep breath and close my eyes, terrified and slightly unsure about saying the words out loud for the first time in my entire life. “Everything else is from my father.”
Ember is silent for what feels like hours, nothing but the sound of the monitor beeping louder with each second that passes, and when I take a peek, cracking one eye open to make sure she’s still there, I’m surprised at what I see.
This woman, this kindstranger, is pacing the floor with her fist clenched at her side, her cellphone in her other hand and up to her ear. And Ember is evidentlypissed.
“He was right,” she hisses into the iPhone. “No, not really, he kills people for fun but I didn’t think Victor was lying. It just makesmewant to kill something… No, E, I’m not going to go on a spree or anything, but after what he said, the way Stevie looks… I know, I know that, but… Exactly! It’s total bullshit.” Ember nods her head repeatedly while she continues to pace. “Yeah, yeah exactly. So make sure you tell Spider. Tell him everything Vic said is true and… No, Stevie doesn’t want that. I don’t know why but she doesn’t so make sure they don’t go off half-cocked… Right. Just give them the info and go from there.”
She turns to me as she hangs up, looking through me for a few beats before she sighs and shakes out her shoulders. “Sorry. I had explicit orders to confirm what happened.”
“I don’t want anyone doing anything, though.” I push myself up in the bed with a wince. “He may be a bastard who beats me, but Beau is still my father and—”
“Think about what you just said, Stevie.”
I frown. “Beau is still my father.”
Ember shakes her head. “Honey, any time you have to saybastard who beats me but, is a problem. And you called himBeau.Do you even love him?”
My brow furrows further as I look down at my IV again.
Funny enough, I’ve neverreallythought about that.
I’ve always felt this weird sense of loyalty toward my father, what I thought was love from a child to parent, but… but it’s not really true, is it? The loyalty I have is purely based out of fear, because given the chance, I’d run out of Beau’s house like my ass was on fire and never look back. Which means I can’t really love him then, can I? He’s never shown me anything but hate or anger, and if he isn’t yelling at me or beating me, my father ignores me and that’s how it’s been for as far back as I can remember.
Now that I’m really thinking about it, I don’t think there has been one second of one day since I was born where Beau acted like a father to me, and I’ve always been very aware of how much he can’t stand the sight of me.
“I never fucking wanted you, Stevie, but I didn’t drown your ass in order to keep your bitch mother happy. Be grateful I didn’t, and pray to god I don’t change my mind now that she’s fucking gone.”
He’s said those words to me more times than I can count and that should be more than enough reason for me to ask Ember to sic the Kings on him.
But for some fucked up reason, I can’t. “No, I guess I don’t,” I whisper, shaking my head as my eyes well with tears. “I think I did at one point, when I was too little to know better, when it’s ingrained in you to love and respect your parents just because they’re your parents. But anything I’ve ever felt toward Beau was rooted in fear and I’m ashamed to admit that, to be honest. I’m almost embarrassed, really, staying devoted to a man I’m not sure I could ever love the way a child loves their parents when I know how much he hates me. I’ve covered for him my entire life, done everything he said and never questioned any of it.”
Then I lift my gaze as a tear slips down my cheek. “I didn’t have anyone else, I didn’t know any better, and by the time I did I was just so used to the way things were that I figured that’s how they’d stay. And what’s really sad is, I know I have to go back.”
“Hell no. Stevie, honey, you can’t—”
“I have to. I don’t have anywhere else to go, and if I were to stay here or with anyone that has ties to the Wulven Kings, I’d only be putting them in danger. Beau won’t stop looking for me until I’m back under his roof, and he won’t care what happens to anyone that gets in his way. I have to go back.”
Ember shakes her head so hard it might fall off as she comes back over to the bed. “No. Stevie, you can’t go back there, babe. You can’t. We can figure something else out. Snipe can have him taken care of or… He almost killed you.”
I shrug. “And he might try harder next time, but I’d rather that than put anyone else at risk. You said some of the guys have wives, babies, families. Beau won’t care about any of that. He won’t give a shit about anything except getting me back, and if avoiding a shitshow means going back to that house of horrors in hopes of living to see another day, so be it.” Then I chuckle a little, a morbid chuckle that makes me think of my ghost. “My mother is dead, my father hates me. The woman I thought of as a grandmother passed away a few days ago. I’m dropping out of school, probably quitting my job, and I don’t have any friends because it’s not allowed. There’s not much for me to stick around for anyway.”
Ember sinks to the edge of the bed, her green eyes swimming with tears. “I’m your friend, Stevie. And Linnie. She cares a lot about you.”
“I know, and I appreciate it, but I haven’t been a very good friend in return. She’ll get over it.”
“What about Victor?”
“He won’t miss me, not really. Is he capable of it? Absolutely. Tor isn’t as fucked up as he thinks he is.” Ember rolls her now crying eyes and I chuckle. “Well, I mean, ok yeah. He’s messed up, but he’s not incapable of feeling things. I don’t think he understands everything he feels, and I know Victor doesn’t know what to do about it, but he’s not a sociopath or something. Which is why, even if he does miss me when I’m gone, it won’t stick.”
She looks at me skeptically. “You do realize you’re completely contradicting yourself by saying that, don’t you?”
“Maybe.” Another shrug as I pick at the blanket. “But Victor will be fine without me.” Then I give her a sad smile. “Roles reversed, though? I wouldn’t last very long if something happened to Tor. Which is why I have to go home. I can’t risk any of you, and I won’t risk the man I love.”
And just like that, all the air is sucked from my lungs over one little epiphany.
