Page 49 of Broken Warrior
“You won’t.” I sniffle and hold him harder. “You won’t because I will wait for however long it takes for you to find your way back, back to who you are and loving yourself for it. I will wait for you to find your way back to me, Fin, because you own my heart and I can’t live without it.”
We lay like that for a while. How long I don’t really know, but we cling to each other, exchange meaningful sweet words while we silently cry and accept this as what it is for now.
I will wait for Fin; I’d wait for him forever because I know that’s what he is. Fin MacAllister is my forever andheis worth waiting for.
I just pray he uses our time apart to realize he is too.
CHAPTERNINE
FIN
“My name isFin and I’m a heroin addict.” I clear my throat as I look around the small circle, making eye contact with each person sitting in a folding chair. “It’s been three months since I overdosed and almost died in my bedroom at my childhood home, and today I’m grateful for every breath I’m blessed to take.”
I sit back down in my seat next to Pope, my brother clapping a hand on my shoulder and giving it a hard squeeze.
“That’s wonderful, Fin.” Pastor Reynolds gives me a warm smile. “Earning your three month coin is a milestone to be proud of.”
It’s about the only thing I can be proud of at this point, but I’m working on it.
The rest of the group share, each of them saying their name, their drug of choice, and how long they have been sober. We say the serenity prayer and review the twelve steps, then check in to see where everyone is at in the process.
I’m on a combination of steps nine, ten, and eleven.
I practice steps seven and ten daily, constantly ask god to forgive me and remove my shortcomings while I continue to take personal inventory and admit my wrongs.
Step eleven is new to me but I’ve been meditating a lot, talking to god and the universe candidly and often. I find it calms me down when I get anxious since that’s still something I struggle with since getting sober.
Facing my past and present, the uncertainty of my future, it all gets to be a little intense at times but I think I’m managing quite well.
I started attending NARCONON meetings as soon as I felt well enough to leave the house; daily at first but now I go three or four times a week. I started seeing a counselor too, twice a week and on call, both of which were referred to me by Pope, my brother all too familiar with this shit and more than willing to be my sponsor.
For the most part, I feel like my recovery is going well but I still have some hard days. Funny enough, it isn’t heroin I crave when the hard days come, it’s just an escape, anything to push down the monsters from my past and bury the feelings that come with them.
I don’t, though.
When a bad day hits, I call Pope and we go to the gym. He works out with me every day, me and Jackal and Zak, but if I’m having a hard time, Pope will meet me day or night and spar with me, spot me, or run on the treadmill next to mine until we’re both ready to throw up.
My counselor thinks I’m making a lot of headway, thinks I’m really tackling my demons and dealing with them in healthy, constructive ways, and because of that she says now would be a good time to open a dialogue with Tate.
We haven’t really talked since her and James moved out of my house.Again.
We text daily but it’s literally the same thing save for the occasional picture of James she sends me. I sendgrateful for you todayand Tate sends it back.
I was the one who decided it would be best for us to not really talk while I was getting my head right. Not because I didn’t want to, because fuck, I not only want to, I need to, but what she said to me three months ago really struck a chord with me and I’ve been working really hard toward that goal.
I need to conquer my darkness and learn to love myself, but not just for her and James; first and foremost, I need to do it for me.
Which is why my day is booked solid with the last few things I want to do before I call my dark angel and ask her to get a coffee with me.
My stomach pitches at the thought.
It’s stupid really, getting so fucking nervous over asking the woman I’m madly in love with out for a coffeeday dateas my counselor called it, but I am and I can’t help it.
She explained that Tate and I did things a little backwards. We fell in love without getting to know the darkest parts of each other because we haven’t dealt with them ourselves. I was worried when she said that because if we didn’t really know each other, how could we fall in love? Was it the forced proximity? Was it the fact that we saved each other? Me by moving Tate and James into my house for protection, and her by very literally saving my life? Were the emotions and feelings we felt born of circumstance, of forced proximity? And when we stopped talking so I could get better, would those feelings fade and disappear into nothing but regret or indifference?
Which is the exact moment a lightbulb clicked on in my brain.
That’s exactly what Tate was worried about too. She had those exact same thoughts before they even occurred to me, and somehow that just solidified that it wasn’t true.
