Page 12 of Broken Warrior
There are times when I swear I feel the heat of his gaze on my face, on my back, but it doesn’t last and I can’t confirm it. I can barely look at Spider because he is so beautiful, so intimidating, and honestly, I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to make eye contact, especially now that he acts like I don’t exist. Spider can do so much better than a broken girl like me and even my halfway decent looks aren’t enough to get his attention. Something I want so badly I can’t understand it, but it scares me at the same time.
I can’t help it though, can’t stop myself from wanting him to notice me, to see me. I’m so drawn to Spider, crave something as simple as a kind word or soft smile and not just from anyone,just from him.
I’ve only ever been with Gino, so I don’t know the first thing about flirting or being attracted to someone naturally, about having my body come alive and start to tingle from them merely walking into the room. I have no idea how to navigate the jumbled thoughts or the racing pulse, the swarm of butterflies in my stomach and the way I actually want to look at him, be near him, touch him, and have him want the same from me.
It’s silly though. Naive. Stupid. Fantasies I will never make a reality; ones I shouldn’t even entertain and it’s why I need to leave his house.
Hence, step two.
Find someone to take care of Nadine.
Since I’ve essentially become her in-home, round the clock aide, I feel like it’s my responsibility to make sure someone can take my place when I go. I can still take care of her during the day when I move out as long as Spider allows it, but he’s been so strange lately that it’s important to find someone who will be here when I’m not. Which is why I’m looking at assisted living facilities in hopes that maybe Spider will listen and choose one when I tell him we’re leaving.
Fat chance.
He’s pretty hellbent on taking care of Nadine himself, but I get the sense it’s a form of punishment in some way and not purely from the loyalty of a son to his mother.
Another mystery I’ll never solve.
Once I have something lined up I’ll talk to him, but until then I’ll keep looking, maybe even see if there is someone who would move into the house and become a permanent addition in order to provide care.
Someone older than Shelley with no figure, a face only a mother could love, and maybe a sworn vow of celibacy that comes with a chastity belt.
There’s that jealousy again.
Whatever.
Step three and four kind of go hand in hand.
Dori and Zak are newly pregnant and not far off from moving into their new house, a beautiful two-story colonial that’s being built on land that Prez bought for all of them, and my sister agreed to let me take over her lease. She didn’t even bat an eye, but I could tell it surprised her.
For some reason my big sister was under the impression that I was staying at Spider’s for an indefinite amount of time, and she wasn’t expecting me to ask about her apartment. Dori agreed though, said as soon as I can show proof of income we’ll make it happen. She’s even willing to put the apartment in Zak’s name only and let me sublet so it’s not on paper anywhere that I have a place of my own.
That was Zak’s idea and I really appreciate it.
Just like I appreciate the fact that they’re letting me use Dori’s Jeep whenever I need to because he just bought a truck like Spider’s for their growing family, and since I have nothing but a really small wardrobe to my name, zero dollars or a source of income, I need the Jeep to get to work.
My sister’s husband is awesome.
He doesn’t know where I’m applying for a job though. Dori tells him everything and I wouldn’t expect anything less, but the one thing I did ask her to keep between us iswhereI’m having my interview.
My interview I’m running late to because James had a nightmare, which led to an accident, which led to both of us showering twenty minutes before I had to drop him off at Dori’s.
James only has nightmares now when Spider is gone, and he’s been gone almost twenty-four hours.
Bad for my baby, a little less bad for me.
Kind of.
Spider being gone this morning at least meant I was able to have Summer come sit with Nadine then get us out the door without feeling obligated to tell him where I was going. And since I have a panic attack when I even try to lie, I would have told him and I didn’t want to deal with another disapproving glare.
If he acknowledged me at all.
My fingers twitch against my thighs, drumming out a nervous beat as I stop at the back door.
It’s ten o’clock in the morning so I know there aren’t any customers, probably not any dancers either, but I can’t help but be nervous. I’ve never had a job before, not a real one anyway. Definitely not one I had to interview for or where running late could get me fired instead of beaten, where the money I make is actually mine. And I highly doubt I’m going to have to make sure the girls that work here are high on enough drugs to make them agreeable without causing an overdose.
Somehow I don’t think that’s normal business practice.
