I’ve been waiting for the day when it’ll be ok to go see him, just so I can lay eyes on him and know he’s still breathing, so I can beg him to be in my son’s life even if he doesn’t want to be in mine.
All of James’s nightmares are about watching Finlay die and even though I reassure him thathis Spideris ok, he won’t accept it until he can see it with his own two eyes.
I genuinely thought that things wouldn’t stay this way.
I thought that after Fin came out of surgery, after he had time to heal and get stable that he’d rethink what he said to me that night. I believed in my heart that he was acting out of fear and continued to do that until it was too late, until he couldn’t take the words back and change his mind. But one week turned into two and then three, and now… now Fin isleavingas soon as he’s cleared to do so, in just a few short weeks, and that means he meant what he said.
Finlay MacAllister is going to walk out of my life, out of my son’s life, and he’s never going to look back.
“No,” I whisper as the tears keep falling. “No.” I say it a little louder as I lift my head and look at Dori and Zak. “No! No, that overgrown idiot is not going anywhere!”
I jump to my feet and race up the stairs into my room, step into my slippers, grab my keys, then run back down toward the kitchen.
“Tater?” Dori asks as she rushes after me. “Tate, sweetie, what are you—”
“Tell James Mommy had to run out and catch her a spider.”
I hear my sister hoot and holler, clapping loudly as she probably does an awkward little happy dance, her husband cursing under his breath as he laughs, but the sounds fade into the background quickly as I bust into the garage, open it, then jump into my sister’s Jeep.
A few minutes later, I park it on Marbles’s front lawn, not giving a shit at all about tearing up their yard or running over the creepy little gnomes they insist on having. I definitely don’t care as I run up their front steps, not bothering to knock on the door before throwing it open, rushing past Marbles and Harlow sitting on the couch, and marching down the hall to the spare bedroom I’m sure Fin is staying in. And I don’t give one good goddamn when I toss that door open either, because as soon as I look at the bed where my sweet man is laying, I fall apart.
“Bastard,” I sob as I lean against the doorframe. “You… s-stubborn b-b-bastard.”
“Tate?” Fin turns to me and when I see that scar on his face, I cry that much harder. “Tate…”
I start shaking my head as I straighten my spine, steeling it against all the machines and wires hooked up to the love of my life. “No. No, you don’t get to talk right now. The last time we were together you did all the talking and I’m not going to let that happen now.”
“Tate, I don’t want—”
“Hush, you! I mean it, I’m going to do all the talking right now. Especially since you plan to leave town as soon as you’re healthy enough to do it.” Fin’s face pales a bit and I can practically see his anxiety manifest, but oh fucking well. If this is the last time I see him then I want him to remember it. “I love you, you stubborn jackass. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and I was ready to fight. Fight Gino, fight the entire Valetti family. I was ready to fightyouif I had to because you made it clear that you weren’t going to stay with me without one. And still, I was willing to fight and fight hard because I love you, because James loves you, and both of us don’t see our future without you in it.”
Fin takes a deep breath and the way it makes him cringe, the way he winces has me walking toward him.
Jackass or not, he’s mine and I hate seeing him this way.
“You, Finlay MacAllister, are the future we want and I was ready to do whatever it took to make that happen. Then I fucked it all up in the blink of an eye.”
He frowns, opens his mouth a little, but doesn’t speak.
So, I keep going. “What I did, back at the church, I thought I was helping. I thought I could distract Gino and you could get James out. I just couldn’t sit by and wait for you to show up at Dori’s door, give me my son, and then walk out of my life. I couldn’t. And I thought I was helping. I never meant to have it go the way it did. I never meant for you to—”
“I know, Tate. I know.”
I nod as a lone tear slips down my cheek. “And I know that in your head you have it twisted in some way, somehow still blaming yourself for James, blaming yourself for getting shot and…” Another tear follows. “Youdied, Fin. You died and all I could think about were the millions of things I should have said and done differently; how I never should have let you leave when we needed each other the most. Nothing that happened is your fault. And I’m not just talking about James or me, I’m talking about everything with your parents, with… with Conner.Nothingis your fault, and I am so grateful for the way you have protected and cared for me and my son, whether you see it that way or not.”
He starts shaking his head and while his obvious pain tugs at my heart, I don’t want to hear it right now.
I can’t.
“You are the best man I know, Finlay MacAllister, the best man I have ever met.” I take a few steps toward him, reaching out to touch the edge of his bed. “I love you more than I thought I was capable of, and I will always love you with that same fierceness that took root the day we met. But…” I look down at our hands, so close but somehow so far away. “But I can’t fight anymore.” I watch as his fingers ball into a fist. “I’m tired of fighting. You’re worth it, worth every ounce of energy I have and more, but I can’t keep fighting for what I feel is worth the battle if you don’t think I’m worth it in return. Nobody wins if it’s one-sided, and before you get in your head over thinking I don’t believe you ever loved me or some shit, I know you do. Youdolove me, Fin. Me and James both and we know that, have never doubted it, and never will. It’s not a matter of love, just a matter of picking the fight you want to have. If it’s me, if it’s the possibility of a future we both want, then you win because I can’t keep fighting you on that. But if you decide to take on a different battle, decide to fight your demons that keep making you run, that keep telling you everyone's better off without you, then I’m all in. I will be by your side every step of the way and I will bring every weapon in my arsenal to help kick their asses.”
I take a deep breath and look up, only to see Fin staring at our hands too.
My gaze moves over his face, takes in every single beautiful feature, lingering over the scar along his jaw for a beat before I brush my fingers over his knuckles then back away. “It’s up to you, Fin. The choice is yours. My love isn’t conditional and it’s not on a deadline. I’ll be here because I love you, but I’m too tired to fight and I’m sick of blaming myself for the way things went. As hard as this is, it’s good bye for now, it’s just up to you if it turns into forever and I needed to tell you all of that in case it does.”
With a shuddering breath, I turn my back on the man of my dreams, my heart heavy but light at the same time, and when I’m about to walk out and avoid explaining to Harlow what the hell just happened, I hear, “I’m not moving.”
I pause and wait on bated breath as my heart starts hammering in my chest.
