“I never meant to hurt you, Sam.”
Another nod as he turns to face me again. “I know. And I’m sorry for not seeing it, for trying to hurt you the same way you hurt me despite knowing that.”
With a shaky hand, I reach out and take his, relief flooding me as he turns his palm up and laces our fingers. “We both made shitty choices in how we handled this, and I think that’s ok considering how heavy it is, but I don’t want to harbor this kind of guilt or pain anymore.”
“Neither do I, Sofie.”
I never thought this would happen, that Sam and I would civilly talk about what I did, what he did and the club, how we both felt and everything that went down between us then and now. I never thought we’d apologize and come to some sort of understanding of each of the roles we played in this, and I had no idea how much I needed his forgiveness for what I did, or how badly I needed to forgive him for the things he said and did out of anger.
He squeezes my hand and we sit quietly for a few more minutes before Sam speaks again. “Did you… how far along…”
I scoot a little closer and tighten my hold on his hands. “Eight weeks. I found out less than two weeks before, and by the time I moved I started cramping. I thought it was stress related, so I went to the doctor and when they did the ultrasound, they saw what the real problem was.” He lifts his gaze to mine and my heart breaks at the tears swimming in those brown and gold and green eyes. “I have endometriosis. I had no idea I did until then, but— “
“It explains why your period was always so painful.”
Despiteeverythingabout this conversation, I can’t help but smile a little. Sam was the best boyfriend in the world during that time of the month, always ready with Oreos and my heating pad, Star Trek and massages. He religiously reminded me to take my birth control to help keep things regular, tracked my cycle better than I did and always jumped at the opportunity to just hang out and cuddle while I felt like I was dying. Sam tried to make me as comfortable as possible, worried endlessly over how bad things got physically, and he never ever complained about any of it.
Which is just another glaringly obvious reason that I fucked up by walking away from him.
I stand by it and always will, but it doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.
“Yeah.” I sigh. “It explained that for sure, and after I asked a million questions about what to expect during a pregnancy, I was even more terrified than before. Then a few days later, I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t even leave my bed, but I had to because I was… I lost the baby at eight weeks, almost exactly, and no one knows I was ever pregnant but you.”
Sam blinks away his tears before doing something so unexpected it makes me cry harder. He pulls me to him, wraps me in his arms and just hugs me the way only he can, and I lose my shit entirely while melting into him.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He takes a shuddering breath. “I’m sorry I fucked up, I’m sorry I made you leave, and I am so goddamn sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most.”
“Sammy.” I sob and cling to the only man I will ever truly love. “Sammy, I-I never sh-should have left. I’m s-so s-s-sorry, Sam-my.”
He shakes his head, my Red holding me tighter as he shifts us both around, knocking the first aid items to the floor and positioning himself against the headboard with me in his lap. He says nothing more, and neither do I, but Sam holds me and presses a kiss to my hair while I sob, while I let the full force of seven years lost with him and what caused it to begin with sink in and rip through me in a way I haven’t before. And this man, this beautiful, wonderful man doesn’t loosen his grip once the entire time. No, Sam hangs on tight and lets those feelings wash through him too, lets us both heal in the way we need to while showing me the things I was most afraid to face when I saw him again.
Sam North is still the anchor he always was, the rock and foundation that I have been missing since I left, the only thing in the world that comforts me and makes me believe everything is going to be ok.
And Sam still loves me just as much as I love him, but neither of us know where to go from here.
The thought resounds in my head as my eyes drift closed, as I get as close to my Red as I possibly can, and it continues to echo through my thoughts even as I feel the exhaustion of our conversation take over and lull me to sleep.
Sam still loves me as much as I love him, and we have to find a way to come back from all the pain together.
I won’t be able to survive losing him again if we don’t.
* * *
Set phasers to stun!
I grin as I slowly open my eyes. “What season are you on?”
“Two.” Sam chuckles softly.
“And is this your eight or nine hundredth time watching it?”
“I honestly have no idea. The original series is my favorite—“
“I remember.”
“So I watch it the most.”
“Me too.” I tilt my head a little and look up to find Sam already staring down at me. “But I stand by my argument that Patrick Stewart will always be the best captain.”
