"It is. It's not a prescribed form of treatment, but I've read up on it a lot and it's made a big difference for me over the last eight or nine years."
"Are there other medications that can help?" God, the way he asks all of this with genuine interest but also extremely nonchalant has me freaking out and it doesn't help one bit that I can tell it's a front because his emotions are all over the map.
"There are, but I haven't taken anything in a long time. I've tried most drugs they offered, I was even a part of a trial early on, but some of them made my mood swings worse despite helping with the physical shit and vice versa. A lot of them made me feel like a zombie, were too heavy to continue functioning the way I wanted so I talked to my doctor and said I didn't want anything else because I was just going to smoke pot." I smile at that. "She thought I wasn't making a very good decision, but honestly it's done the most for me."
We sit quietly for a few minutes, Zan still rubbing my legs, me on the verge of a panic attack over the thought of losing him because of this, but then my beautiful man lifts his head and meets my eyes, pins me with more emotions swirling in them than I can handle.
"And you've told no one? No one knows of this diagnosis, of your struggles?"
I shake my head. "Until now, the only people that knew were my doctors. Not even Granny, and I lived with her for five years."
"Why?" His anger flares briefly and I wince. "Why have you dealt with this alone for so long?"
"Because I had to. Gramps got sick then Granny did, they didn't need to deal with my shit. Allie had her life she was trying to start and after everything that happened to us as teens I wanted her to do that without worrying about me. Especially after all the shit with Jeff, then Daisy came along. She didn't need my shit either. Still doesn't."
Zan frowns. "And you had no friends to confide in? Not even aboyfriendthat would support you through this?"
"When people find out there's something wrong with you, they generally do one of two things. They either mother you to death and you become your disease, become what's wrong with you and nothing more, or they bail because they can't handle the issues sticking around can present." That's something I learned at the first and only HD support group meeting I ever attended, and I absolutely did not fucking want any of that. "It was easier to keep it a secret so I didn't disrupt anyone else's life and to be honest, it made it easier on me too. I don't want to constantly have my diagnosis hanging over everything I do, whether it's something simple like conversations, or something big like traveling to Egypt for a photo shoot. I've never wanted this to define me in any way, so I've done everything I can to prevent that, including hiding it from the people I love the most."
"Which is why you did not want to tell me.” Zan sighs. "You feel as though this will change how I see you, how I feel about you, how I move forward in our mating."
"Yes. That's exactly it. I don't want you or anyone else to treat me like there's something wrong with me even though there is. I don't want anyone thinking I can't do things or need special accommodations because I have this stupid diagnosis." More tears roll down my cheeks but I don't even bother wiping them away. "It doesn't change who I am, it just makes it a little harder for me to be me at times and I don't need other people adding to that. Which is also why you can't tell anyone what I've told you."
Zan nods and despite not looking at him, I can feel him looking at me. "I would never betray something you shared in confidence, Frankie, and I understand more than you think why you've chosen to do the things you've done regarding your…diagnosis." I can tell he had to force the word out, that Zan didn't like saying it. "I will keep your secret as if it were my own, but not just because you've asked me to."
When he doesn't follow that up with anything else, I chance a look at him to find Zan still laser focused on me.
"I will keep your secret because it does, in fact, change nothing. It does not change the way I see you as the strong, fierce, stubborn, infuriating female I met a month and a half ago. It does not change the way I will still drive you mad, get under your skin and try to annoy you to the point of murder.” He reaches out to wipe away the tears I can't fight. "It will not change how I interact with you at all, nor will it change how deeply I love you. If it changes anything, it is my level of respect and admiration for you, for the way you fight to overcome your obstacles completely on your own and end up even stronger for it. My love for you, our bond, none of that will be affected by learning this because you are right, it does not change who you are and you are not defined by your diagnosis."
My heart, oh that stupid, naive little thing leaps at his words but still makes me doubt them. "You can say that, but it doesn't mean you're actually willing to put up with my bad days, that you won't treat me like a cripple or something when stuff like this happens." I nod toward my legs. "And it doesn't mean you'll want to stick around when my OCD gets so bad I do seriously crazy shit or when my mood is so vile I say things I don't mean. You'll get tired of it, Zan, and you'll either treat me like I'm sick or you'll leave me because of it."
His eyes sharpen, his expression fierce as a muscle in his jaw ticks. "Then I shall just have to prove to you that you are wrong. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I do not baby anyone for any reason at all except my sister, and that is only because she is a million months pregnant. I'm an asshole by nature, darling, and though I have shown you a much softer side of who I am because of my love for you, do not think for one minute that I will allow adiagnosisto become the reason I spoil you with attention and gifts the way I do. I will do what you ask of me and only that, will not change the way we spend our time together, despite the urge I have to protect you even from something that lives inside your body. If you need me to assist with something then I will, if you have issues that require my intervention in even the simplest way, much like I am doing now, then I will provide it, but I will not question you, will not overstep and treat you as though you are ill. You are not this thing that causes you such issues. You are Francis Mae Masters and you aremine. Nothing about that changes in my eyes and for you to even suggest I'd be able to leave you, let alone want to, is completely absurd because I am bound to you for all of time and nothing short of severing that bond could change it."
Yep, totally bawling like a baby now.
That is so not what I was expecting from him, not even close, and not just because he's an asshole most of the time.
It's a lot to ask of anyone to take on the challenges that present in my life, to take them on willingly without interfering with them or trying to change them. It's taxing even for me and I have no choice but to deal with it, so for someone to willingly choose to deal with it—withme—is just way more than I could ever ask.
And the fact that Zan is the one who just made that choice makes me happier than I've ever been.
"I love you.” I sniffle while trying to calm down. "Like, I really fucking love you."
He shoots me a brilliant smile. "And I love you, my darling mate, more than I thought I could ever be capable of." Then he grins. "It feels as though your legs have loosened quite a bit."
I nod, finally wiggle my toes and start to slowly straighten them out. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that, but it really made a difference."
"Think nothing of it. Any excuse I can use to put my hands on your naked body is welcome. Perhaps I shall start each one of our days with a full body massage, one with an incrediblyhappy ending." Then he winks, but gives me a softer smile. "Do you have pain?"
I shake my head once my legs are completely extended. "Sometimes it hurts when they contract really badly, but once they loosen they mostly just feel tired. No pain, just like I need to stretch for an hour."
“Good." He nods and leans in to kiss me, a hard kiss that seals his words. "Then, if you are not in any pain and need to be stretched, I have just the thing for you."
"Really?" I arch a brow because I have a feeling I know exactly what he's going to suggest. "Does it involve matching butt plugs?"
That sardonic, devious grin widens and my damn pussy clenches. "It does in fact involve matching anal plugs, but first it involves your legs wrapped around my head while I devour your pussy. Then I shall throw those legs up over my shoulders, really stretch them out as I pound myself into your tight little cunt and after that I will most definitely make them limber when I flip you onto your stomach and bind your hands and feet to each post of the bed before doing unspeakable things to your gorgeous body. Andthatis when I will use the butt plugs along with a few other of my favorite toys."
"The cat-o-nines?" My smile totally does not match how incredibly turned on I am. No, it's a smile full of love for this man, thisdemonthat has completely stolen my heart. My mate that I love so goddamn much I can barely stand it. "Maybe we can try hot wax too?"
