Page 18 of His Atonement
And it's also how I'm able to smoke as frequently as I do.
Per my request, and a little manipulation since there is very little documented in the dragon chronicles about demons, I was able to convince my precious gem to grow me hemlock and nightshade.
I feel a touch guilty for it, but I was able to lead her to believe they bear beneficial properties only to demons, things that would be helpful to my overall health while I was bound to her.
And while that is not entirely a lie since they do not affect me the way they do everyone else—are not fatal when ingested—they have no real beneficial purpose save for a ridiculous high when I smoke them, something my sister would frown upon since she is trying to break me of all mybad habits.
The dangerous qualities in the plants have an opposite effect on me, one that turns their debilitating nature into something comparable to how smoking weed would affect anyone else, which is why I also have that growing in my dungeon home.
Cora thinks I'm using it in almost a medicinal way, chalks my occasionally altered state up to my excessive pot smoking when in reality, I roll it with the hemlock and nightshade to mask the smell and everyone believes that is what I'm smoking instead.
Which I am, but it does nothing for me.
Marijuana is like smoking tobacco and the poisonous plants are the addictive additives in a cigarette.
But they are the only things that help with the withdrawal, help combat the violent shakes, the whole body chills and headache, the sweats and aches that come from not collecting souls or draining vitality.
Before I was bound to this place, I had other ways of coping with a lull in my duties.
When there were no souls to be collected, no one willing to wheel and deal for their darkest desires, I would drain the vitality of one or two random humans, useless or vile creatures deserving of such actions, buthe who shall not be nameddid not take kindly to it and restricted my ability to do so until recently.
So instead, I began possessing humans temporarily. Merely visiting their bodies to absorb some of the soul I coveted, but even that was not enough and I found that I needed more. I found that while inside my host, if they engaged in sexual acts, the release of endorphins and adrenaline sent similar signals to my brain and I became addicted to the feeling.
Once again, however, that was not enough, so I would possess my host through the first part of their sexual encounter then leave their body and engage with both parties, achieve my own release during athreesomeas I've learned it is called, then leave the couple while still riding high on the euphoria it created.
But, you guessed it, that eventually did not satiate me and while I shifted focus to hunting my sister for centuries, my numbers grew tenfold and I found myself with multiple partners every day in order to quell my need and combat the withdrawal.
And since it has been almost a year since I've done any of the things I need to do in order to keep balance, I'm slowly going mad.
Hell, I've been so close to propositioning Karel at times just to bust a nut it's ridiculous, and if I did not believe he would immediately shift so his dragon could eat me whole, I probably would have by now. Unfortunately, that crab ass shifter is my only option. Well, him and the wolf, Colt, but he has been away on some secretive mission for months now and I am inclined to believe neither male would consider batting for the other team, even temporarily.
A body is a body in my eyes, anatomy set aside, and since I do not form emotional attachments to anyone, sex is merely a means to an end, an act of great pleasure that benefits all involved.
I have no predispositions on whether or not my partners are male or female, no preference as long as the end game is the same, especially knowing that if I were to ever find my mate she would in fact be female solely based on the designated purpose of possible procreation. It is not unheard of to have same sex mates, I just know that the only reason demons were given fated ones at all was, in fact, to try to conceive more of our dying kind.
It does not mean I can't explore the many ways to achieve that euphoria though, having multiple partners in the many, many ways one can perform the act of coitus.
I've found the BDSM world to be my favorite, and there have been many willing submissives to meet my every need, both male and female alike.
If I were to find my mate, I'd imagine sex with her would be the ultimate form of ecstasy, better than any drug, more intense than collecting souls even. At least, that’s what I assume because all of the mated pairs on this property can’t seem to keep their hands to themselves the majority of the time, therefore the feelings and sensations created from banging your fated one must be rather addictive. But until something changes and I’m able to find a willing partner—given my sister stops cock-blocking me—I will continue to meet my needs in any way possible.
I shall smoke myself stupid.
Play violent video games until my eyes bleed.
Soak up as much time with my sister as possible since I find genuine joy and satisfaction in her presence.
And hopefully one day I'll be able to bang out my insatiable need as well. Sex and smoking should most definitely suffice, satisfy the unrelenting need to collect souls, and if my sister knew of my inner struggle, I'm sure she would allow it.
Not that she has forbidden it. No, my precious gem has not intentionally cock-blocked me, but because I am bound to her, because she has taken my name from me, I am restricted to the area she resides in or designates for me.
Which brings me back to why my currently-limited selection of sexual partners is an ornery, old as shit dragon and a very delicious though mysterious wolf that speaks even less than Andrej.
Both very likely dead ends.
I sigh as I step into my temporary bedroom, but quickly smile as I take in all of the things my sweet Cora has gifted me.
I will never not be grateful to her, grateful for her forgiveness and love, for her acceptance and warmth. Or the way she has helped the others embrace me as clan.
