Page 110 of His Atonement
I shake my head at the thought, set him in the middle of the bed, then climb onto it myself and immediately wrap my darling mate in my arms.
"Let's have it, then.” I kiss her shoulder and look down at the list.
"Francis Mae Toth's Last Twenty-Four Hours." Despite her sad tone I can still hear the slight smile. "Fuck my husband until neither of us can walk right. Check. Make final video for my vlog. Check. Have breakfast at the big house with the family. Check. Get one on one time with everyone throughout the day. Check. Lunch with the girls. Check. Walk through the forest one last time. Check. Have a normal afternoon before dinner at the big house. Check. Make the video for Allie and the others after dinner. Check. Play with Thor in the pigpen until he falls asleep in the mud. Check. Make Zan watch The Big Lebowski because he has never seen it. Check. Make love to my mate…" She swallows hard then takes a shaky breath. "Make love to my mate one last time. Check. Smoke with my mate one last time before he takes my soul, per his request, so that it isn't painful, then drift to sleep in his arms."
Up until now I have loved Frankie's lists, the way she is compelled to write them in order to keep her thoughts straight, to quell the OCD, to prevent herself from forgetting things as her disease has progressed.
It's been fascinating, entertaining even at times, but right now, right now I'd like to tear that list from her book and burn it in the fireplace.
Frankie sighs and rests the notebook on the nightstand. "Are you ready, baby?"
“No," I grunt against her shoulder. "I will never be ready."
"Me either,” she whispers, leans further into me, and strokes Thor's back. "But I think it's time."
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I don't want it to be time.
But it isn't about what I want, not even about whatwewant. It's about the inevitable outcome my darling mate wants to try to control and because I understand that better than she realizes, it has to be time.
So I kiss her shoulder, her neck, kiss every inch of flesh I can before I sit up and lean toward the nightstand, open the drawer and remove the hot dog shaped bowl I packed hours ago.
"You remember what I told you?" I ask as I light it and take a hit.
Frankie nods as she watches me. "Just a small hit, not like when I smoke my weed. A small one that I hold onto as long as I can will be enough to get the job done. It'll be kinda quick but painless and once my body starts to go numb you'll do your thing and then I'll…"
I nod. "Yes. I will wrap you in my arms, do mythingand hold you until…" Gods, I can't even say it, so I just take another hit.
"I know it's stupid to say things likeyou'll be fineor whatever, so I'm not going to even bother.” Frankie sighs as I hand her the bowl. "But what I will say is that you have made me the happiest I've ever been and I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. That's what I want you to know, that's what I want you to remember when it gets hard. That and the fact that you promised me you'd do everything I need you to before you do anything stupid like figure out a way to follow me."
I smile a little at her words. "You know me so well."
"I do.” Frankie smirks. "So get my shit done before you lose your mind, ok? Otherwise I'll figure out a way to haunt your sexy ass."
Then my beautiful wife, my darling mate, lifts the bowl to her lips, lights it and sucks in just enough of the lethal combination to gently ease her into a sleep she will never wake from.
Immediately I grab the bowl, set it on the nightstand and wrap her in my arms, pull her down in the bed and hold her close.
"I love you,” she whispers against my skin. "Thank you for loving me back."
"I love you, my darling, and I thank you for the same."
"It's already working.” Frankie exhales as her body relaxes against mine. "I can't feel my toes."
I squeeze my eyes shut tight and hold her closer, kiss her head and fight the tears that threaten to spill. "Good. That is good,” I lie because there is nothing good about this except carrying out my mate’s wishes.
"Try not to be such an asshole to everyone… and take good care of our baby.” Her words are slightly slurred now, a slurred whisper exhaled slowly. "And you're not allowed to find someone else to be with… I know that's probably selfish… but I don't want you to be with anyone else, not even for… for sex… we have enough toys… and your hands are magical…"
I smile through my quiet tears and bury my nose in her hair. "I could never even think of being with anyone but you, my darling mate. You are my first, last, and only true love, no one shall ever come close. There will only ever be you."
"I'm… I'm ready baby…" Frankie barely whispers. "I'm ready… and I love you."
So I hold her tight with one arm as I drop the other between us, flatten my hand right over her heart, and keep my eyes closed as it begins to glow purple.
Frankie sighs slowly as her soul, her perfect fucking soul, swirls from her chest to sit in the palm of my hand before it shoots up my arm and nails me right in the heart.