A small smile lifts her lips, as if she’s reading my mind. “Sure, call me later.” She presses a kiss to my cheek and snatches the bill before I can. Then she heads for the counter to pay, leaving me alone with Gus.
Standing on somewhat shaky legs, anxiety curling in my gut, becausehe’snervous, I say, “We can head over to the shop.”
I don’t know what this is about, but suddenly, I remember Grey saying Gus seemed jealous, and I’m worried he was right. I’m worried about what that could mean.
We’re silent as we make our way across the street, and my hands shake as I unlock the door to my shop, breathing in the familiar earthy, floral scent that immediately calms my nerves.
“What’s up?” I ask the moment the door closes behind Gus. I move through the store, turning on lights and the computer, setting up for the day. The sugary iced latte I had with breakfast makes my heart beat quicker, my fingers tremble as I go through the motions.
Gus watches me silently for a long moment. I can feel his eyes trailing me through the store. Finally, he says, “I want to talk about Grey.”
Slowly, I turn, placing my hands on the counter behind me, leaning back until my back settles against the butcher block. My heart pounds in my chest so loudly I can hear it, feel it.
Breathing in and out once deeply, I ask, “What about him?”
“Or, I guess, I don’t really want to talk about him,” Gus says. “I want to talk about us. Why we ended.”
“Okay,” I breathe, unsure which topic I would rather discuss less with my ex-boyfriend.
“Things weren’t right with us, Fin,” he says. A few months ago, even a few weeks ago, that would have hurt a lot more. Even though I know he’s right. Things were easy between us, easy enough that I could have seen a life with him. But for him, things were so easy that he didn’t feel theneedto be with me,that absolute necessity to spend every waking moment together, to ache for me when we were apart, to commit when it wasn’t something he’d wanted before.
I didn’t feel that either, but until Grey, I didn’t know I needed it.
“I know that,” I respond. “And I’m glad you called it off, because I doubt I ever would have.”
His chin dips in a nod, and I see relief cross his features. Something that will never not be weird about breakups is that although you aren’t with that person anymore, you never stop knowing their tells. You never stop knowing how to read them. You can never unlearn them, even though they’re not yours anymore.
“I meant it when I said I wasn’t looking for marriage, but when I met Eloise…” He trails off, eyes catching on mine, like he’s begging me to understand. “I just don’t want you to think I was lying, that I was looking for excuses to break up with you. I want you to know that I meant what I said when I said it.”
Something sharp wedges between my ribs. I know he meant this to comfort me, but it just shoves that insecurity of never being enough farther into my softest places.
“I understand,” I say, because I do. Once again, relief crests over him. Maybe I was wrong about being able to unlearn someone, because he doesn’t recognize the blow he just dealt me. He can’t see that I’m injured and hurting.
“I don’t want you to get hurt with Grey,” Gus says in a rush, and I can tell this is really why he came. There’s concern in his eyes that’s been there since the restaurant, and I finally understand why. “He’s…”
He trails off, but I know he’s referring to Grey’s reputation, to his inability to go on more than a few dates with a woman before he seemingly tires of them.
I don’t owe Gus an explanation, but he didn’t owe me one either and offered it anyway, so I say, “Grey has been waiting on me for a long time. He saw what we could be long before I did. I’m just now catching up.”
I don’t know how I expect Gus to respond, but I’m relieved when it’s with a smile, a genuine one. “Oh, good. I’m really, really happy for you, Fin.” I realize that whatever jealously Grey thought he saw yesterday, that whatever weirdness I’ve noticed since the day he told me he was engaged, was actually concern for me.
Then he leans forward, almost conspiratorially, and asks, eyes twinkling, “So do you think he’s the one?”
Seven months ago, hell, sevenweeksago, I wouldn’t have believed myself capable of having this conversation with him, but I’m grateful I’m here. I’ve always liked Gus, even when things between us soured, and I’m happy we’re here now.
But I’m not sure I’m ready to admit my feelings to him, not when they’re so new and I haven’t even told Grey the extent of them. So I shrug, and say, “He could be. Time will tell.”
Gus nods, understanding. Then he checks his watch. “I better get going.”
“Thanks for checking on me,” I say, still leaning against the counter, arms crossed over my chest to block out the chill of the AC. “See you Saturday.” At his wedding. It doesn’t hurt like it used to.
Gus smiles, something soft. “Of course. Bye, Finley.”
Somehow,thisgoodbye feels like closure. I’ll see him again, obviously, at his wedding and around town, but this feels like the goodbye we needed months ago. I’ve known things were over, and I’ve been genuinely okay with it, but this goodbye feels like flipping the page on a chapter that went on for too long, finally moving forward to the next part of the story.
Maybe it’s because of it that I find myself walking out the front door of the shop, keys in hand, and letting myself into the empty shop next door, not bothering to see if anyone is watching.
I flip the lights on and watch as dust motes catch in it. It smells stale in here, dusty but not quite dirty. I can imagine it smelling of books, imagine the walls lined in shelves and fresh flowers sitting beside the register. Because even if I have a new dream, I’ll never give up my flowers.
