Oh god - had he ruined their friendship?
He needed to speak first, to apologise. To assure her that he didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable - to never be the source of any discomfort ever again - when she opened her mouth.
“Seth, I - what happened yesterday. That threw me off guard. I didn’t realise that you….Maybe a part of me had hoped, but never thought…”
She’d hoped?
The cold wave left, replaced with a steady warmth.
“But…”
Her tone was uncertain. Hesitant. That’s when she finally looked at him.
In her gaze held an innate heaviness, a sadness.
“Do you know what happened, the first time I saw you again on that train platform? It was like - it was likeallthe years had stripped away. And suddenly I was 12-years-old again, falling in love with you for the first time. With that smile of yours that hadn’t changed a bit. With your snarkiness. And I hated it, I hate how no matter how many years have passed between us, how much I’ve changed, even with all the boys I fell for in between, the 12 year old girl in me hadn’t left. I’m afraid she never will.”
His heart beat with every word, increasing its rhythm. Nina had returned his feelings. So what was wrong?
“Nina,” he began, but she shook her head. That’s when he noticed the tears. “Nina, you have to know. I amcrazyabout you. If you feel evenhalfof what I feel for you…be it a quarter..”
“Half?” she laughed, a heartless one brimming with disbelief, “Seth, loving you has been myconstant.”
Constant.
She shook her head, “And that’swhyI’m scared. You still have that effect on me. You willalwayshave this effect on me. Being around you feels like I’m holding the sun in my chest and it’s been like that since I was twelve, and it’s still the same waynow. Kissing you felt like everything I’ve ever held inside, just spilled out. Like every dream I’ve ever had just came true and I can’t -”
“Why?” he whispered. He reached forward, brushing his fingers against her hand. She kept it rigid, at her side.
“Because I’mscaredof you. I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone else. It’s always beenyou,Seth. You have the power to tear me apart. You have the power to turn me into ashellof myself. Just like…when we were in high school.”
One by one, her words struck him, embedding themselves like ice. She shifted her hand away from his own and stepped backward, tearing her gaze away. For a moment, only their breaths filled the silence.
Then, “Nina, back then I - I was anidiot.The biggest there was. I was a fake, I didn’t know how to think for myself - to feel for myself. Because back then I - you have to know that I -”
She met his eyes again, and this time, they were glistening.
“Please, don’t, I can’t hear -”
“I liked you then, as well Nina.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, as if to ward off his confession.
“But what if you suddenly just decide you don’t want me anymore? What if you just decide I’m not worth it, and leave? What if I’m too much for you, what if I drive you away? What if -”
It was there again. All thesewhat ifs.
“Don’t you trust me enough? What about all the time we’ve been spending these past few months? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“They’ve meant the world to me, but I was able to shield myself from the thought of us ever being more than friends. But now I know that we both want something more. And now the risk is higher and I - I -” She shook her head, turning away and buried her face against her palms. As if trying to shield herself from everything, just as she’d tried to do.
Seth stood there, motionless, watching her. Every cell in him itched to reach forward, but he didn’t. He didn’t know what to do anymore.
Even now, he was hurting her.
How tragic, that the girl who loved love was scared of lovinghim.
Was that who he was destined to be? Someone who hurt, when he loved?
