Words he’d rehearsed turned over and over again in his head.
Nina, I’m sorry. Those two words alone aren’t enough to truly express how sorry I am. If I could create a word right now, that summarised everything I felt, how absolutely guilty Iam, how much of an asshole. But it doesn’t matter, because the words were still said. I want to let you know that it’s all untrue. None of it. You are the opposite of every cruel word that exists. To me, you are like sunshine. Yes, we don’t talk much. Yes, we share classes. But I watch you too. You are such a bright light, Nina. A safe place. And I don’t deserve the feelings you think you have. But I’d like to deserve it, I’d like to earn it. Truth is, you define goodness and beauty, to me. I don’t believe in love, but you are what I think love should look like. And I’m saying this now because I don’t want to be scared of what the other guys say of me. I don’t care what they think. I like yo-
Seth’s thoughts were cut off by Nina’s voicemail, her own voice flowing through.
“Hey, you’ve reached Nina. Please leave your message at the beep. Thank you!”
He breathed in, but his pre-prepared speech, his confession, his redemption failed to make it through. Instead, he was met with silence. He closed his mouth, opened it again, but the cowardice maintained its barricade. Seconds mulled on, until Seth pulled the phone from his ear and pressed end.
Closing his eyes, he pressed his forehead against the heel of his palm, a groan of frustration replacing his confession.
Coward, coward, coward.
After that, Seth deleted Nina’s phone number off his phone. He didn’t want to be reminded constantly, of the biggest loss, and his greatest what if.
28
Now
The Saturday after their movie night, Seth saw Nina’s friends for the first time in four years.
He’d been at the shops, picking up some snacks for him and Jae, who he was planning to visit that day.
He was in the nachos aisle, when he bumped into Nina, Veronica and Celine in the cold goods aisle.
They were each carrying a basket with baking ingredients. He remembered how she and the girls had a planned sleepover baking date with Veronica.
“Seth!” Nina exclaimed, with a grin. She had little braids in her hair, and her lips were a glossy red.Gorgeous.
“Hi Nina,” he breathed. His eyes turned to Veronica and Celine, who were looking at him in shock. “Veronica, Celine - it’s been so long -”
“It has,” Veronica spoke up first, nodding, “How have you been? Nina told us you’re doing a gaming major at the moment, and doing a capstone project -”
“That’s right,” Seth affirmed, smiling.How often did Nina speak about me? “How have you both been?”
“Good, good. You know, I’ve been studying digital art,” Veronica informed, and Seth already knew that from when Nina would gush over her works.
“I’ve just been trying to get through the nursing course,” Celine said. That, too, Seth remembered.
“That’s good, that’s good. Nina tells me all about your ambitions all the time. You both sound like you’re amazing at what you’ve chosen,” Seth said, and with every word, he felt the heat climbing in his cheeks.
He was nervous, he realised, seeing them. After all, he’d shared classes with these girls, too.
Shared memories of angry teachers, of passing around homework answers, and whispered gossip. They’d scorched him with their eyes, four years ago, when he broke Nina’s heart. He’d never forget the way they’d glare at him in the hallways after that, as if hoping he’d catch on fire at any second.
He wondered if that kind of resentment even left. They had 5 years of distance between them, but still. Their last memory of him was what he said. At least, with Nina, he was able to redeem himself, much better than he’d ever hoped.
The reunion was short-lived as Veronica nodded in the direction of the cashier.
“Anyways, we’d better get going. See you, Seth.”
“See you guys,” he said, channelling as much kindness as he could muster into his smile. He wanted to show them he was different, that he wasn’t the dickhead he used to be.
That he was worthy of Nina’s time, to be her friend. Perhaps, even more.
He watched as they left, lingering on Nina.
Turn back,he thought.Just once.
