It took everything in me not to share with him how much I’m missing him and that I love him. I’m not ready for that, but hope one day I am. When I gave into him and agreed to give us a chance, that feeling came fast—a little too fast.
An alert on my phone shows that funds have been added to my money share app. I transfer it to my bank and shake my head at the note attached. As if I didn’t know what the money was to be used for.
Luna’s face is bright red as I grab the entire shelf of edible panties and drop them into the cart. “You’re an author, Luna, this shouldn’t embarrass you,” I say, waving at my spoils.
“I write about it, Demi,” she hisses. “I don’t buy them for the world to see!”
“I know you wrote about it, Luna, that one scene in ‘His Only Desire’ was my inspiration for buying them the first time,” I rebut. “That shit washawt,with a capital H.”
She plasters her hands to her face at the mention of that scene. I bet women around the world had to replace their panties after reading it. Many men got lucky afterward too, that I know for a fact because I scan through her emails before sharing them with her. I weed out the mean ones and only forward the good ones from her business account to her personal one.
Regulator and Roscoe joined us today on our spree, and I find it hilarious that they took a step back from us when we hit the intimate aisle. They didn’t blanch at the condoms, but when it came to lube and edibles, they became one with the shadows. I glance back to see if they’re still around and laugh my ass off when I hear the two of them in a passionate conversation discussing the differences and merits between the ribbed and lubricated condoms.
“Y’all want a woman’s perspective on which one’s best for us?” I loudly ask, my voice booming and echoing, not minding the fact that there are several women strolling through the walkway.
Luna blinks rapidly before twisting on her feet and leaving me there, not looking back as she scuttles away. She knows after various experiences with me, that I won’t hold back if they say yes, and these men, they’ll definitely say yes.
“I wouldn’t mind hearing your opinion,” Regulator replies as Roscoe crosses his arms and stares me down with a skeptical look. It’s a damn good thing these men don’t blush because I’m about to give them a straight, no holding back, answer.
“Okay, gentlemen,” I start, clapping my hands together for emphasis, “this is how it is. For a woman, the lubricated ones are good if you don’t know how to get us wet between the legs. Let's face facts, that’s a necessity if you want to slide your way to homebase without tearing us in half. But if you do it right,and know what you’re doing, there’s nothing special about them. They taste like shit if a woman is blowing you, and the after taste is disgusting and never seems to go away unless you drown it with straight laced alcohol. The ribbed ones, again, aren’t easy when it comes to bobbing on your knob, but they feel fucking fantastic sliding in and out of you. Now, if you switch them out between a woman giving you pleasure and you fucking her senseless, I’d go with the flavored ones and the ribbed ones. Any more questions?”
Roscoe mimics Luna’s earlier action by rapidly blinking his eyes. “My knob? Really, Demi, that’s what you call a man’s dick?”
“Not all the time,” I innocently say. “If I’m in the mood I call it a cock or a dick. If you aren’t my man and you’re not rocking my world, it’s a caterpillar, a knob, a steel pipe… you get my point.”
“Loud and motherfucking clear,” Regulator grumbles. “And my dick in no way resembles a caterpillar.”
“That’s good to know for your lady friends,” I sass, winking at him. “Because my pinky finger is bigger than one and that would be a sad state for you.”
“Let’s go back to referring to it as a knob,” Roscoe mutters. “I’m feeling offended on behalf of any man you’ve used the other references for.”
“Or a steel pipe, because depending on the fitting, it works,” Regulator conveys.
“I wouldn’t mind taking a peek at your steel pipe,” a woman, no younger than seventy, says as she pats him on his ass. “I bet you’re packing a big one.”
“Dead!” I snicker, holding my rib cage from the harsh laughter wracking my entire being. “That’s fucking great!” I walk up to the lady and give her a high five. “Good for you. I wanna be you when I grow up.”
She winks at me then tells Regulator, “I’ll give you my address. But if the trailer’s ‘a rockin’ don’t come ‘a knockin’. I’m a popular lady at the retirement center.”
Regulator’s jaw drops open, and he has no words. “I uh… I’m uh… I think Luna’s calling for me. I gotta go see what she wants. Nice to meet you, ma’am, and I’m glad your schedule is so… full and entertaining.” As she scampers away, he rubs his ass where the woman didn’t hold back and smacked him good.
The aisle of women wolf whistle and clap at his retreat, and Roscoe hangs his head. “He’s never going to live that down, is he?”
“Never,” I snicker. “I can’t wait to tell everyone what happened.”
“Glad it wasn’t me,” he sighs.
“It could be,” the feisty, retirement home lady interjects. “I don’t mind sharing the love.”
“Obviously,” Roscoe croaks, his skin turning pale.
Is the big bad biker scared of a little old lady? Damn, that’s some funny shit right there.
“But I couldn’t take your attention away from your men. Have a good one.” When he finishes speaking, he grabs me by the elbow, walks me back to my cart and all but shoves me through the aisle.
“That. Was. Freaking. Hilarious,” I manage to wheeze out as he guides me toward where Regulator and Luna are standing, waiting for us. Both are fidgety and ready to haul ass out of this side of the store. When I give Luna a play by play, we’re both hugging our chests as tears stream down our faces.
Best. Outing. Ever!
