My weed and alcohol detox had ended up lasting longer than I anticipated. My appetite had been fluctuating. I was pretty much past the weed withdrawals, but with the pain I was in the first few days, I wasn’t thinking about food. When the pain medication was in my system, there were times that food made me nauseous. But I knew I needed to eat. My body needed the nourishment.
My mother fixed my plate and brought it to me along with a glass of lemonade. When she sat down on the other side of the bed, I already knew a talk was coming. I was actually surprised that it hadn’t happened before then.
“Lucci, you know I never said anything to you about not having a job. I knew you had to be getting money somehow, but I didn’t want to know how. I’m confident that no matter how much I would have said I wanted you out of the streets, you would have done what you wanted regardless. But Lucci, baby, you don’t keep getting shot for no reason. What are you into, and please tell me that it’s going to stop.”
I didn’t have to look at her face to see the pain etched on it. It was all in her voice. I couldn’t imagine what she’d been going through. Tyler’s passing was still fresh, and then there was me getting almost murdered in broad daylight. I couldn’t keep acting as if I didn’t know why these things were happening to me.
“I’ve robbed a few niggas in my life,” I explained in a low tone. “The person that shot Kiandra, was someone that I robbedin the past. The person that shot me and Maino was someone that we robbed recently.”
I could feel my mother’s gaze on me, but she didn’t say anything. For a minute or two, the room was eerily quiet. Then, she got up off the bed and walked out of the room. My mother was hardly ever speechless when she was upset. She could curse with the best of them, and anybody could get it. She wasn’t mad. She was hurt and disappointed. I was willing to bet that she was crying. I hated that, but I was tired of lying. There was also no needed to lie when I didn’t plan on stealing anymore. I was done with that shit.
I was tired from the effort that it took me to take a shower and brush my teeth, but I set my plate aside and eased out of bed. I found my mother in the living room with her hands covering her face. Sitting down on the couch, I watched the woman that gave birth to me as her shoulders bounced up and down while she cried silently.
“I’m done, ma. I swear to God. I decided a minute ago that this wasn’t what I wanted anymore. That’s why I enrolled in the real estate class, but Tyler’s death had me in a space where I couldn’t concentrate on that. I was smoking and drinking way too much, and my attitude was bad. For a second, I got back on my grimy shit. And I paid the price.”
Moments later, my mother uncovered her face and wiped her cheeks. “I’ve never told you what to do,” she stared at the floor as she spoke. “Not since you’ve been grown. But if you have any kind of love for me, please stop doing this. Please.”
“I’m done, ma. I promise. Before I got shot, I was looking for a house to buy, so I could flip it. I don’t have legal income, so I need pops to get it in his name for me, but the house is going to be a new start for me. Watch. I’m going to even do some of the renovations myself and ask pops to help me. Maybe I could do that three or four times a year. And get my real estate license.”
My mother looked over at me, and I didn’t miss the flicker of hope in her eyes. “That’s a very good plan, Lucciano. I know your father would love to help you. You just made me feel so damn good,” she pushed out a shaky breath.
I had been telling myself that I had to stop being reckless. Watching my mother made me realize that I had to stop being selfish too. We all had to go one day, but constantly talking about how I didn’t care if I died was selfish as hell when I had two parents that had already lost a child.
“I noticed how Kiandra was around a lot when you were in the hospital? You back together?”
“Nah. If she had it her way we would be. But I had to stop playing. That’s not what I want, and the longer I stayed the worse I made things.”
I could tell from the way my mother’s face scrunched that she was perplexed. “What do you mean? You and Kiandra had a good relationship. She’s so calm and peaceful. I thought everything was good with the two of you.”
“It depends on what you call good, ma. Kiandra is a wonderful person, and I knew she was what I needed. But she wasn’t what Iwanted. She fell in love with me, and I knew she’d be loyal. She’s way different than a lot of females her age, and I knew I didn’t have to worry about anything. I knew she’d never try to set me up, trap me with a baby, sleep with half the city. I knew she was solid, and that she would be a great person to have on my team. I felt that as long as we had mutual respect and trust that was all we needed because that was more important than being in love.”
“And what did you learn?”
I ran a hand over my hair and sighed. “That, that was the dumbest shit I ever thought.” Chuckling, I rested my head on the couch. “The deeper in love she fell with me, I just used to watch her and think about how she deserved better. I never mistreatedher. But I never looked at her and thought about spending the rest of my life with her. There was never a time that I was away from her that I couldn’t wait to get back home to her. Never, has the thought of her leaving me made my chest tight. Lowkey, I used to hope that she’d leave me. That makes me a shit ass person, huh?”
My mother gave me a comforting smile. “It doesn’t, baby. I’m sure you know that not every relationship is based on love. There are a lot of women that are married to and in love with men not because they have an amazing love story but because the situation is beneficial. Society told them they would grow up and get married and have babies. A lot of women want a provider and a comfortable life more than they want a storybook romance. I can’t judge and say if it’s right or wrong. I just know that sometimes the person that makes our heart beat a little faster and that sends our emotions into overdrive isn’t the best person for us. So, no you’re not a shit person. What you did is more common than you think, but not everyone will admit it.”
I nodded my understanding.
“I also commend you because a lot of men would have treated her like shit to get her to leave them if they didn’t have the guts to leave her. One of the reasons that Kiandra loved you is because of how well you treated her. Thank you for that. I’m sure her heart is broken, but at least it’s not broken because you emotionally or physically abused her. You didn’t take her through hell cheating and lying on her.”
Talking to my mother had actually made me feel a little better. I still hated the fact that Kiandra was hurt. I wanted her to wake up one day and get on her best City Girl bullshit. I wanted her to get out, have fun, meet people, and come across a man that would be everything for her that I couldn’t be. Someone that she would mesh well with that her uppity ass parents would like. Shit, maybe part of my punishment shouldbe that I had to suffer alone. No Breezy. No woman that made me feel things I’d never felt before. Just keeping my head down, getting money, and staying out the way should have been the only things on my agenda.
Once thoughts of Breezy crept into my mental, however, it was hard to get them out. They would pass. They had to because me focusing on the wrong shit couldn’t be tolerated. I was putting my foot on my own neck. My mother was on her best telepathic bullshit because she read my thoughts.
“Is there someone else that made you feel the things that Kiandra didn’t?”
A light chuckle tore from my throat. She was on a roll with the questions. “There isn’t currently anyone else, but I had a few encounters with a person that made me see the light.”
My mother nodded. “I want you to have an amazing life, Lucci. You deserve that. Just take the time that you need and figure things out. It’ll all come together.”
I had no clue what the future held because most times, things only went well for so long before life turned into a shit show. Too many times in the past, I played myself being happy that life was going good only for it to blow up in my face weeks later. Life caught me off guard one too many times and knocked the grin off my face. I learned way too early that having expectations for anything was the fastest way to become disappointed.
Maybe flipping houses wouldn’t work. Maybe I wouldn’t pass the real estate class or the exam. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be shit except a person that scammed, stole, and committed crimes. Only time would tell. The one thing I was certain of was that I was more focused than I’d ever been.
CHAPTER 18
BREEZY
