“It’s cool. My period comes in three days. I’m way past ovulation. I can’t get pregnant right now.”
He did his usual staring into my soul thing while I stared back at him. It was that moment I realized I could become lost in someone’s gaze. With his irises piercing my existence and his dick still resting in my throbbing vagina, I did something really silly.
“It wouldn’t be fair for you to say you’d always wait for me, and I don’t do the same.” What the fuck was I waiting for?
His situation with Kiandra was a complicated one, and if I was waiting for him to fully walk away from her who knew how long that would take. My heart drummed in my chest because how could I mean something and regret that I’d said it at the same time? My words must have struck a chord with Lucci because he gripped my waist and tongued me down in a way that made my up and down movements on his manhood start again. My legs were going to lock up, but I didn’t care. Right there in a cramped space parked on the streets of Diamond Cove Lucci and I partook in round two. A slow and sensual round that had a tear escaping the corner of my eye when orgasm number two ripped through me like a tornado. The fuck was I getting myself into?
CHAPTER 11
LUCCI
It had been lessthan two hours since I was balls deep in Breezy. I went home, showered, and went to face the music. The conversation that I was dreading having with Kiandra couldn’t be put off any longer. I sat on the couch, and she sat beside me. There was an awkward silence as she stared at me. I knew everything that I felt, but I didn’t know how to say it, so I wasn’t going first. A coward was never a word that could be used to describe me but when it came to Kiandra and possibly breaking her heart, I would have rather gone up against a grizzly bear. She was one of the sweetest women that I knew and as much as I had tried, I just didn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved.
“I understand that you said we need space, but I don’t want or need space from you. I also just want to be clear on what you need space from. Do you just need a break from me, or do you want to date other people?”
I turned my face in her direction, and I saw the panic in Kiandra’s eyes. Attempting to sugar coat my feelings and protect her heart wasn’t going to get us anywhere in the long run. I didn’t love Breezy. It was way too early for that, but seeing the next man all up in her personal space made my blood boil. Looking into her eyes while I beat the pussy up sent my heartrate into overdrive. Seeing her smile, watching the sway of her hips when she walked. Everything that woman did either made my dick hard or my emotions run high. I had never felt any of those things with Kiandra. Just appreciation and admiration of her character. Some man would be lucky to have her, but that man wasn’t me.
She deserved the respect of eye contact, but I looked away. “Kiandra, you deserve more than I can give you.”
“What does that even mean? You take care of me financially, you treat me well, we barely even argue. I just don’t get what’s wrong. I love you.”
“I know you do, Kiandra, and I have love for you.” Looking back at her was a mistake. The way my words made her face crumble had me feeling like the most fucked up person walking the earth. “You’re one of the few people that I trust. I know you’re solid and loyal, and that’s why I rock with you so heavy. I never cheated on you. Always treated you the way you deserved but the way you love me, it never came for me. I fuck with you because I know you’d never do me wrong. Not because I’m head over heels in love with you.”
“Wow,” she whispered as tears spilled over her eyelids. “Wow. So, I’m like a charity case or something?”
“I never said that Ki. In my mind, being with a loyal, solid person made more sense than just being with someone based off feelings. Emotions can make you do some fucked up things. It can cloud your judgement. I felt being with you was safe and smart.”
“I wanted honesty, and you damn sure gave it to me,” Kiandra laughed through her tears. “So everything you said that night even though it was said in a hateful way you meant it. You don’t enjoy sex with me. You don’t enjoy life with me. So, you’ve just been settling and shortchanging yourself, huh?” She laughed angrily while swiping her tears away.
What was I supposed to say? That was kind of what I had been doing. “I’ll always be your friend, Ki. I’ll keep helping you out. I’ll come by and cut your grass…”
She snorted and shot up off the couch. “I don’t want anything from you. I wasted three years of my life with a man that just confessed to me that he was with me because it was smart. I’d go against anybody for you. You know how many times I stopped speaking to my parents because they hated you? I turned down guys that probably would have married me by now. I’m damn near thirty no kids and not even engaged. You really sat up here and wasted my time!”
It was the second time Kiandra had ever yelled at me. When she said we barely argued, she was right. Kiandra didn’t nag or complain about much and when she did, I would simply agree to correct it and keep it moving. We didn’t curse at one another or raise our voices. We didn’t go days or weeks without speaking. Anybody would have assumed we had the perfect relationship, but the shit was just bland and routine. We had sex three to four times a week. Most of the time we did the same three positions. She wasn’t a fan of giving head and when she did it wasn’t the best, so I stopped even asking for it.
We lived like an old married couple we just didn’t have the kids. It took three years for me to realize that I wanted more. Funny thing was, had I never met Breezy, I would probably still be with Kiandra unhappy and bored.
“This is what I was trying to avoid. Hurting you. You mean a lot to me. Please don’t ever think you don’t. You mean so much to me that I want you to get married, and I want your father to walk you down the aisle because he approves of the man you’re going to marry. I want you to have kids and be happy. I don’t want you going against the people you love for him. I want them to love him because he’s good for you.”
Kiandra burst into tears. Her entire body shook as she cried. I didn’t know whether to console her or just leave her be. Me touching her might make things worse. Aside from when her grandmother died, Kiandra had never cried in front of me. Her life was damn near perfect and drama free. The only drama that ever came to her was on account of me. When she argued with her family about me or when she got put out of her apartment or shot. I ran a hand over my waves and closed my eyes. I didn’t like seeing her cry, but it wasn’t fair to her, me, or Breezy to keep this shit going on.
“You told me how you feel, and I heard you loud and clear. You can get the rest of your things and leave.” Kiandra stood up straight and squared her shoulders. I almost smiled at how strong she was being, but I refrained.
I stood up and walked into the bedroom to get most of my things. It would take too much time to collect it all, but I was going to try to take at least half of it. I hated that I made her cry and shattered her world, but the sense of relief that I felt while gathering my things let me know that I had made the right choice. Kiandra would get over me eventually. Without me in her life, maybe she would meet her soulmate. I wanted that for her more than I wanted it for myself. As much as I liked Breezy, I wasn’t going to rush into a relationship and if she turned out to not be the one, I still wasn’t going to regret breaking things off with Kiandra. Breezy had taught me that it was possible to meet a solid person and be in love with them. A nigga didn’t have to choose between the two.
Kiandra remained in the living room while I packed my things. One suitcase, a duffel bag, and three trash bags later, I was leaving her house. I still had a lot more things to get, but I wasn’t in a rush. At my apartment, it took three trips to my car to get all my things out. As I put the clothes away, calling Breezy and telling her to come through crossed my mind. We had sextwice earlier in my car, and I still wanted her up under me. I had it bad for her ass and if Tyler was there, he’d laugh at me. Tyler. And just like that, it felt like an elephant was standing on my chest. My brother was gone but after all the dirt I’d done, I was still alive, well, and going on with my life. That shit didn’t sit well with me. Tossing the clothes in my hand aside, I sat down on the bed and grabbed my jar of weed from the nightstand.
Crazy things that Tyler used to say, his goofy smile…memories of him played in my head like a movie as I rolled the blunt. Since his death, I hated being sober. Being sober made me think too much. I wouldn’t give a damn if I fried every last one of my brain cells. I hated thinking. I had just taken the first toke of the blunt when my phone rang. Breezy’s name appeared on my screen making me pick the phone up off the bed.
“Hello?”
“Hey. I just wanted to say goodnight. I’m back at home. I probably could have just texted you, but I wanted to call. What are you doing?”
“Smoking.”
“You okay?”
“Nah. I need you.”
