I was so guilty, I felt sick. Physically ill. Finally, I put my foot down with Shawn. I was going to her party. With or without him.
Begrudgingly, he agreed to go. Maybe he was feeling generous, or he could tell I was at the end of my rope. I put on a cute, baby doll outfit. I pulled my old collar from the back of the drawer—the black band with a little cute heart in the center. We met Ophelia and her crew at a bar in Brooklyn. The second I saw everyone, a warmth flooded my body. I felt likemyselfagain.
Shawn, to his credit, played his old role as my dominant. For a night, it felt like, maybe, we could be this again. I sat on his lap. When we took a group picture, he put his hand on my throat. I felt safe and kept andhis.
“It’s so fucking good to see you two,” Ophelia said. We ended the night at the Seekers’ Club. The night was winding down, and a half-devoured cake sat on the once-spanking-bench, now-makeshift-table between us.
“We miss you at the club,” Carver added.
Shawn snorted. “That freak show? No thank you.”
Immediately, my heart sank.No, I wanted to beg, please. Keep your mouth shut. Just a little longer.
Like Cinderella, begging her fairy godmother for another minute in those glass slippers.
“The fuck does that mean?” Ophelia asked. Her voice had knives in it.
Shawn shrugged. “C’mon. This place is like…adult fairytale land. We’ve got guys in baby diapers. Girls with dog leashes. Doesn’t anyone else think it’s kinda fucking weird that you’re so afraid of real life, that you spend every Friday playing sexy freak show?”
The group suddenly went quiet. I felt like I was standing on a sheet of ice over a pond and I could feel the first, sickening crack under my feet.
“Get out,” Ophelia said.
Shawn rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”
“Whatever?Fuck you! You’re not going to come here and insult my community on my fucking birthday! Get the fuck out of here!”
“Fine by me. I’ve been ready to go since we got here.” He grabbed his jacket and then motioned for me. “Dove. C’mon.”
But I froze.
Sitting next to me: Ophelia. My friends. My community.
On the other hand: Shawn. His arm outstretched. Watching me expectantly.
His eyes grew wide when I didn’t move. “Oh, shit,” he said. “Are we really doing this? Okay. Fuck it. Your call. The freaks or me.”
My heart hammered in my throat. My vision blurred and I couldn’t see anything. I sucked in a breath, and my body moved as if pulled by puppet strings, rising towardshim?—
Eh. You know what? Let’s talk about that later.
The whole thing is embarrassing. It was a fucked-up night, is my point.
That night, I turned my back on my friends and my community. For aman, of all things.
I laid awake all that night and the next morning, staring at the ceiling, hollowed out.
Shawn slept well through noon the next day. Eventually, I rose from our bed. I shuffled into the kitchen, poured myself a bowl of cereal, and sat at the table, watching the pieces get wet and soggy in the milk.
I put my phone on the table and started scrolling. I had a notification from the Seekers Club app.
The Seekers Club:
Membership Revoked: Shawn H.
A surge of adrenaline shot through my veins.
Shawn had been banned from the club. And now, I was certain, I was next.
